I have a couple of "babies" my yorkies although they are mother and daughter, they are opposites.. "mom" is stiffer, and is a protector, while her daughter is like a ferret, she bends all over the place, and so trusting, you can hold her on her back in your hands and lift her away from you and she just chills... everyone is her friend.

But she also has her own ideas of how things work... the second I sit on the couch or reliner, there she is... sitting there...

That is what I have been doing... soul searching.

I have been making a mental list of problems and trying to find answers to them. It has been going well.

Two of my heart wrenching issues are the loss of my baby, but also the almost loss of my now adult son(19).... that sure brings out a lot of questions... some with no real answers so I had to search within.

I am going to write about my adult son today.. the reason for his issues are from being sexually...

I can feel the sadness lifting- I think the posts from people who reach out and say "I'm sorry" or "you are not alone" are very theraputic for me... those words are helping the sadness lift. They are angels on earth.

On to the daily grind of things... I have just a very short few days to get everything finished for the accountant... and I will NEVER get this far behind again.... ever.

Seriously, when will it all stop? I am close to my due date from my ectopic, except the baby would of been one.

I find myself looking at all the babies out there, and feeling so sad that I missed a year already with a baby that we wanted dearly... wondering what he would look like, would he have hair ect.

Why do I do this to myself? I have been out of sorts and finally realized that this could be why when I realized what the date was... so really my mind went there...

I don't really know what to use this space for... today I decided that I will just post my thoughts that enter my head... woohoo could be interesting.

I went and saw Gary Spivey this weekend, it was interesting... I tried several times to be able to ask him questions, like- will my son stop trying to kill himself (I couldn't ask if he would be sucessful, because I am afraid of that answer) but I could not get to him, the people that run around to get your questions said they would...