OT dealing with kids' friends who want to stay

Raquelita · #1 (**permalink**) 07-03-2008, 07:49 AM

This is OT, but I wanted to ask some moms about this.

We have a 10 year old neighbor girl who likes to play with my dd (about to turn 13). She seems so lonely that if dd isn't available, she will play with anyone available including my 3 yo dd. I think she likes the "feel" of family since her mom and dad aren't real stable and there is a live-in baby sitter who she hates. She will stay here all day long if we let her. Her mom will come and get her sometimes, but rarely. I don't really know the mom, but I was amazed that she has actually allowed her daughter to spend the night here (I'd have to know someone pretty well to allow my child to stay over night at their house). So, on one hand, I want to be there for this girl who seems so needy, but on the other hand, it is hard to have to practically kick her out when it is time to leave and she's usually back after about an hour or so. I always tell my kids that they need to be home at mealtime if they go someplace unless they were invited there for a meal or something, but she is here for every meal if I let her. I just wonder what others do in this situation. I have had a couple of kids this summer have their moms tell them to be home at a certain time that is an hour or two past lunch time and frankly, I am kind of amazed at that. Sometimes, I have to tell them to go home for lunch, but I feel cheap and bad doing that, but there are times that I just planned for just my kids, yk? I am trying to find ways to establish some boundaries with this girl in particular since she doesn't seem to understand or respect boundaries well. We have said that she can't come over while the kids are doing chores in the morning, but she stayed over night last night (her mom says that she has to stay over night with us if she goes to church with us on Wednesday nights since she works) and I know that she WILL NOT leave until I have to practically kick her out. I'm actually happy that my kids are going to another friends house today so I can get a break from this girl (she's been here for nearly 24 hours) and I find it sad that my kids pretty much have to leave for us to get a break from her. I need to set some boundaries that I feel good about so I don't feel so guilty making her go home at reasonable times.

Anyone deal with this?

Mailmanwife · #2 (**permalink**) 07-03-2008, 08:43 AM

I feel sorry for the girl but maybe something deeper is going on at home? She is the only child right? She could just be really lonely

Obviously she's not getting enough attention at home. I don't have older kids or anything but I couldn't imagine letting my kid go somewhere and not "know" the people, especially overnight!!! Granted you guys are church goers but what if she let her do the same thing with not-so-good people?

I would talk to the mom first but I might even call CPS....

Raquelita · #3 (**permalink**) 07-03-2008, 09:47 AM

I did want to say that even though I sound kind of frustrated, I do feel for her and want to be there for her. I keep my ears open to hear what she is "saying" when she talks in case there is something deeper. Her dad just moved back in and I am waiting to see if that makes a difference. Mom and dad are not married and he's been in and out. She has some older half siblings, but they aren't around much and/or not real interested in her. I know that her mom tries at least here and there and I really don't like to involve CPS unless there is a real need (I really have seen some bad things and have little trust for CPS honestly, but I would do it if there was no other option).

Sarahsweetpea31802 · #4 (**permalink**) 07-03-2008, 02:18 PM

Wow, well thats a sticky situation you are in and it sounds hazy to me.

She could honestly just be very lonley and loves to be in a family like you have. Maybe she really craves and desires the attention and type of home life you all have and wants to try and be there as much as possible because she feels safe and like she is at a real home which she wishes she had.

But I would definatley talk with her mom and tell her your concerns and that in some way tell her she is just over your house a little too much and you need to spend more alone time with your kids.

I know its a sticky situation but if you wants your kiddos back, you have to say something.

How do you kids feel about her? Do they really like playing with her and like her company?

Bulldog78 · #5 (**permalink**) 07-03-2008, 02:44 PM

Wow, what a difficult situation. I would do what you are doing, keep your eyes and ears open in case CPS is in fact needed. That might not be great, but it might be the lesser of two evils. Personally I dont understand a parent letting their child be gone that long. 1. It's rude 2. Doesn't the mom want to see her child once in awhile? And your kids shouldn't have to leave to avoid her. This might sound mean, but can you sometimes "not be home" and just not answer the door? That sounds horrible but it sounds like you should be able to claim that kid on your taxes! Poor thing. Hope you get something figured out, that would be really hard.