Andy and I have an appointment tomorrow with the Donor-Linking Counsellor at the Infertility Treatment Authority (ITA). The ITA is a Govt body that keeps the Registers of donors and donor offspring. Automatically Mason is on there. Not that his information will be given out to anybody - not unless he, at aged 18 requests so, or makes a request to recieve identifying info on his bio father. I've added myself onto the Voluntary Register to see if there are any other families with children conceived using the same sperm donor. We've been notified that there are 2 family matches. The next step is for us to meet with the Counsellor and see where we go from here - make contact or not, and what that means for us, for Mason....

Coincidently, this Counsellor also works at the clinic where I had my IVF treatment, and was the Social Worker I met with prior to starting treatment. Because of this, our appointment tomorrow can also be to discuss any issues that have risen from our IVF treatment, and raising a child conceived using a donor. It's all about the child, and what is in his best interests. Australia is trying hard, learning from now adult donor-conceived people, what is best for the wellbeing of those conceived using a donor (egg, sperm or embryo). There have been some very interesting, although eye-opening and somewhat concerning, documentaries on our free-to-air TV in recent months. Got me thinking, got my mind all mixed up when once I thought I had a handle on it and how to raise Mason.

We are ready for this meeting. Andy and I are kinda on different pages when it comes to what to call our donor when talking to Mason. Also we could use some direction with other discussions we've recently been having with Mason. We thought we had it all straight in our heads, we've been talking to him since even before birth (Andy through the belly-button telephone ) about how he "came to be", and how families come in different shapes and sizes - but having a child actually ask questions and question what you answer is harder than we thought it would be!

So I'm looking forward to the appointment, and hoping btwn the three of us, we can get our heads sorted, and agree on how to handle future discussions, and what to do about these half-siblings. We will see!

What a brave new world we live in!

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I know what you mean. I have found that some of what, in theory, I had decided on changes when the issues are a reality. It brings up so many questions about what is "family".

I feel very strongly that Caleb does not have a "father" he has a donor. I correct people constantly. And while I know they roll their eyes at me & think "Oh, it's only a word", it is a very important distinction to me. When they say things like "Do you know if his father has blue eyes? I say, "He doesn't have a father - he has a donor." Then I go on to answer their question. I know it will sink in & they will understand why it is so important to me.
We plan on telling Caleb that he has 2 moms & there was a really nice guy who helped us to make him.

We also have a "willing to be known" donor. Caleb can look him up when he's 18. DP was afraid of that at first but we have come to embrace the idea that if there are more people in the world for Caleb to possibly love & who will love him back, then that's cool. (Oh who am I kidding? It still scares me a bit, but know that's normal)

There is a sibling registry here that I keep meaning to took at now that Caleb is here. DP and I had a long & interesting discussion about it a few months back. Are these children really his siblings? I don't think genes make a family. Then again, if Caleb meets one of these children, feels a connection & considers them a sibling, then why not?

It is a brave new world - I'm glad we get to make up some of the rules!

Please - let us know how the appointment goes!



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Laura
DW Carolyn
& IVF Miracle Caleb Atticus

Interesting, Jen. Do let us know how it goes.

We are in a pretty different situation since our "baby daddy" is someone that we are very close to and will actually even be at the birth if he can get here in time. (If not, the whole family will be here about a month after Olivia arrives.) Greg, Amanda, and the two kiddos are very excited about her arrival. I think their youngest is just excited to get to be a big sister... doesn't have to be the baby anymore. haha

Dawn

Dawn

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Dawn


Together with Kathy since 12/1998. (9 years)
Legally Married in Vancouver, Canada 1/5/2007

TTC our first since 6/2004 w/known donor since 6/2004
Our first finally arrived March 14, 2008

These are really interesting issues. We already know that our twins have a few half-sibs out there from donorsiblingregistry.com. This includes another set of twins. I haven't paid the registration fee yet, so I don't know anymore details, except that they are all born within a few months of each other. I think it might be interesting to know other children from the donor. I think it would help us understand what comes from him and the twins might want to know that info some day. I haven't done anything with the sibling registry through the sperm bank yet. Like Laura, we have a willing to be known donor as well. I wanted the twins to be able to contact the donor when they are older in case they have questions for him. I feel like they deserve that much. I will make sure to bring them up with the belief that they will not have a relationship with him though, although that could be nice (but there are a lot of weird pitfalls there, too). It is a strange new world.

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Alita, Host of Gay/Lesbian Pregnancy Board







IVF w/ ICSI #1
Retrieval 4/17
23 eggs, 16 mature, 13 fertilized, 4
Transfer cancelled due to OHSS

5/25/07 FET--transferred 2 grade 2 embryos
6/4/07 HPT (13 dpo)
6/5/07 Beta #1 (14 dpo) = 346

It's really interesting to hear how other lesbians have created their family. Just goes to show that families DO come in many different shapes and sizes, and grow in many different ways! Thanks for sharing about your situations. Both Andy and I feel chatting to other lesbian parents, and/or IVF users is a great way to figure out how best for us to deal with our situation, how to explain it to Mason and to others.

Language is a big part of it. The words we chose are important - they carry much emotional weight, as well as basic description. It's interesting how we all approached these words/names differently...including Andy and I - although we seem to be more in agreement now, due to learning the first name of our donor, Daryl. Looks like we will be using that name, and avoiding 'donor' and 'father' altogether. It’s a compromise as I still prefer ‘father’ or ‘bio father’. But after hearing Andy’s thoughts, and also talking to other lesbian parents, and reading your replies, I can understand why other’s prefer ‘donor’. I just can’t use it when talking to Mason as it sounds so clinical to me. I guess now we know our donor’s name, it makes him more real – and in fact we also learned we may be able to obtain a photo of him for Mason’s life-book. Firstly it seems there are pics of him as a baby which we can have – and then perhaps we can exchange more recent pics of him and of Mason (but I’m getting a bit ahead of myself).

After meeting with the lovely counselor, both Andy and I are pretty much on the same page in regards to Mason's family. We now believe that those bonded to Mason through biology/blood/genetics (whatever the right word is!?), although we don’t really consider them part of our “family” (with all the emotional and nurturing connotations - well not yet any way), they are still part of his history, and he has a right to "know" them should he wish. Therefore we are putting him/us down on both the donor registries available here in Australia. (one for siblings known as the "Voluntary Register" and one for the donor & offspring – the “Central Register”). We’ve already been matched with 2 other families, with 3 children btwn them, and have requested the information on how many other children have been born thanks to Daryl’s donations – even though they aren’t on the register at this stage. Australia has a limit of 10 families, with a maximum of 20 children in total (then there are the children Daryl has had out of relationships! At least one I know of.) My mind begins to swell… We are about to make contact with those two families already “matched” to us, via email and I’ve set up a special private email account, just for this purpose. We are very excited and nervous. We have already been told a fair bit about these two families. The children are similar age to Mason. How fast or slow we progress to meeting them is up to all involved. Slow and steady I think best. We also are very interested to find out what they call the donor, and how they deal with it all. We believe one of those families has already made contact with Daryl.

We think we will also attempt to make contact with Daryl, via the Central Register. We’ve done an about face on this, originally we were going to wait until Mason was old enough to ask, now we’ve decided that “just in case” we will instigate a meeting sometime in the next year (if possible), and get a photo of them together – even if that is where it stops until Mason decides to take it further. It’s hard to put down here all that occurred in our 2 hour session with the counselor, but what I will say is that it really opened up our minds and made us look at much more than we did before. It’s also strengthened our confidence in the security of our family, but made us aware of the importance of others outside our family who are linked via Mason.

So there we go....life is so much more complicated using a donor, but hey, we are excited about it all and hope that we can make it all work smoothly and safely for Mason. We will continue to meet with the counselor when/if needed and make sure we discuss any we do, before we do it! It really is all about Mason. What is best for him. We want a happy, well adjusted son, one that is secure in his place in our family, and in his world. Crikey, wouldn't life be easier if we could just "make babies" with our partner, and not need a third party hey?!

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Very interesting questions!

Kelly and I try to talk openly about the donor situation with family and friends as they're not always comfortable asking. We used an anonymous donor - and are really counting on the Donor Sibling Registry to put us in contact with Porter's half siblings so that he can have some contact with the rest of his biology.

We use the word "donor" and plan on sticking with that. We're also both comfortable with "half sibling" - though wouldn't use "brother" or "sister". It'll be interesting to see what evolves.

Thanks for opening up this discussion!

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Jessica (32)
DP Kelly (33)
together 9 years.
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5 IUIs starting 12/5/06 - no meds
3 Clomid/ IUI cycles

One of my best friends & her partner used a friend as a donor. Her child used to refer to him as "the guy who helped make me". In the 10 years since he has been born he has developed a really good relationship with the donor & sometimes calls him Dad. The donor has since had 2 kids with his girlfriend & the boy calls them his brother & sister.
2 years after he was born his moms split up & his birth mom married a man. The boy calls him Dad too. Sounds so confusing, but honestly he is one of the most loved & well adjusted kid I know!

Jenette - It all sounds so scary to me. I'm just not ready to deal with any of that! Good thing I don't have to for a while. Sounds like in time I will be. It's good to hear that you are excited about it. Keep us posted!



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Laura
DW Carolyn
& IVF Miracle Caleb Atticus

WOW! Sounds like that appointment was well worth it. I am not aware of any availability of that kind of thing here in the US!

This is a good discussion.

dawn

__________________
Dawn


Together with Kathy since 12/1998. (9 years)
Legally Married in Vancouver, Canada 1/5/2007

TTC our first since 6/2004 w/known donor since 6/2004
Our first finally arrived March 14, 2008