...I haven't been around here much lately. And I don't see that getting much better any time soon. I am having a hard time doing anything at all. I spent the holiday weekend at my sister's house. I think that was almost worse than just staying home. Certain members of my family have already started to emotionally distance themselves from Lilly and that was not an easy thing to experience.

I have gotten my mind around Lilly leaving. Intellectually I "get it." Emotionally, I "get it." I have stopped crying every day. I know that I have accomplished our goal of taking a tiny, helpless, hurt little baby and helping her grow strong and healthy and thrive until she can go to live with someone in her family that is responsible and loves her and wants her. I was and am completely successful in that. And it helps to know that.

Plus, Lilly is the most difficult baby I have ever loved in my life and I have not slept more than four hours straight in over 14 months. And I feel guilty, but I am actually looking forward to being able to sleep again.

So why is it I still have this paralyzing pain in my heart? It is unlike anything I have felt before. It hurts so much it is physical pain. I feel like I must be having a heart attack. And sometimes my heart beats so fast, I feel it in my throat.

We are transitioning Lilly from Dec 8- Dec 28. I'd rather cut off my right arm.

~m

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I think we all understand. This situation just breaks my heart.
I just wish I could say something to make this better, but I can't.
I sure have been thinking lots about you and will continue to.
Many hugs,
Nicole

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Nicole (36)
DH (33)
DS Chandler (13)
DD Bailey (12)
DS Ryan (1)

5 Angel Babies watching over our family!



http://buildingbruecks.blogspot.com/

Marian, we all understand that right now you need to be with Lilly and not with us. I'm sorry the transition is so soon (and short) but I do supose that is what would be best for her. I'm extra sorry that you're extended family is pulling away from her already but people react in weird ways when they are in pain too. Maybe it's just how they are dealing, but it sucks for her and you. Children just don't understand why someone who has loved them is now pushing them away. I'm sooooo very sorry that this has happened this way but you are right, you did exactly what you set out to do. You mentioned before looking into getiing anouther placement......still think you're up for it? Good luck and we will all be here when you're ready to come back! We miss you!

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Oh Marian, I completely expected you to go missing for a little while also. I can only imagine the number of emotions you feel everyday from minute to minute.

You know sometimes the heart just has a mind of its own, I wish I had the words to take away all the pain but unfortunately this is something that will take time.

Marian- You are experienincing the loss of a family member and that is hard no matter what. I wish you all lots of strength.

I'm sorry family acted that way, i know it makes it even harder knowing they are your family and acting that way but try not to be to hurt by them, we all do things different when dealing with emotions and I'm sure in some way they thought they were protecting you by distancing themselves.

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Marian, I am so sorry for everything you & your family is going through right now. I wish I could just give you a .

I can personally tell you I know how it feels regarding the lack of sleep, I got a 4 month placement right now and she too has been difficult. She came to us with colic and we finally got that under control and now I think she's beginning to teeth so she's been fussy as heck again but in the end I know both you and I would not trade any of those moments for anything in the world.

As for the pain in your heart all I can say is that it will get better. You've probably heard this a hundred times by now but time really does heal a broken heart. Will this aunt allow you visitations, pictures or letters? Hopefully when you get to see her you'll see how happy and healthy she is that it will ease some of that pain.

~Ruby~

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M- just wanted to know that I'm thinking of you this week. Wishing that I could make it all better....enjoy every last second and (and I'm sure I speak for everybody here) we'll be here when you are ready to come back.

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Sorry, it should have read: enjoy every last second you have her at home with you. Didn't mean to say to enjoy the transition.....you know what I mean. OOPPS

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Less than a week to go until transition starts. It makes me ill to start thinking about it but Lilly's aunt and I have been in contact every day. We are working on ways to make the transition as easy as possible. They are suggesting possibly shortening the time. ACK!

But, I gotta do what I gotta do.

Foster parenting = nerves of steel.
~m

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