sad/scared & venting

LauraH · #1 (**permalink**) 07-10-2007, 08:26 PM

Hi Ladies,
I just need to share what's going on in my head. I feel like there aren't that many people who can understand what I am feeling. I know my situation is different from most of you in that my DP is pregnant, so I know we will have a baby in February. Most importantly, I don't want to seem ungrateful - I really am grateful. The thing is that I thought I was going to be the pregnant one. Since I was little I knew I wanted to give birth (like all of you, I'm sure) and adopt. My niece and nephew are adopted and there is absolutely no difference between them and the bio neices & nephews. Anyway....
So, now I find myself having all of these adoptive mom thoughts: Will the baby really see me as his/her mom? Is he/she going to feel like DP is her "real" mom because she's the bio mom? Will people see me as a pretend mom or a glorified baby sitter? I didn't expect these feelings and I'm having a really hard time with them.
I think I'm really angry at the whole situation - which is probably a necessary stage. I'm also scared. UG! This is hard!

Tkeys · #2 (**permalink**) 07-11-2007, 06:05 AM

I am not usually in this forum, but I saw your post and thought I would respond. Well, I don't know if this helps, but a good friend of mine was a foster mom to 3 wonderful (older kids), initially with a partner. She and her partner split, and then about 1 year later, she found love again. She went ahead and adopted the 3 foster children, and after the adoption was finalized, her partner also adopted the 3 children. About 1 year or so after that, the partner had a child through IUI (and she adopted her partner's child after the birth) and then she went on to have a child with the same donor (and her partner adopted that child). To make a long, convoluted story shorter, none of the kids treat the mothers any differently. They see both of them as their mother, and treat them equally. While each birth mother has been breast feeding the child they gave birth to, that also has made no difference in attachment.

So, I hope that helps . . . the bottom line is that a mom is a mom, and it is how you interact with your child that will form the bond. Think about the situation with a man - he doesn't ever carry a child, and in some cases even, the woman will use her own egg and they have to use donor sperm - that doesn't make him any less a father, either. Kids are just as attached to their father's even though they didn't give birth to them.

Good luck - i think it will become easier once you hold that baby in your arms, and feed and change and dress and wake up in the middle of the night to care for him/her.

theluvof2moms · #3 (**permalink**) 07-11-2007, 06:50 AM

Laura!

I think what you are feeling is very normal, I know I sometimes have thoughts like that but for the most part I just push them to the side.

I have to agree with Tkeys once that baby comes along and you hold them and change them and are the one getting up in the middle of the night you'll think back and say, wow those were some silly thoughts I had. Keep your chin up I know you and DP will be wonderful moms and play very important roles in your little ones life.

nicoleb · #4 (**permalink**) 07-11-2007, 09:51 AM

Hi there,
I know everything will be fine. I have the perspective of being an adoptive child. I love my mom. I doesn't matter that she didn't give birth to me. She is just my mom. I am sure your child will feel the same way.

Hugs,
Nicole

LauraH · #5 (**permalink**) 07-12-2007, 08:12 PM

Thanks everyone - I needed to hear those things. You know, logically I know that it is all true - I was just scared.
Kris & Tkeys - Thanks for taking to time to talk me down & cheer me up. You all had such wonderful things to say.
Nicole, I really appreciate your perspective as an adoptee. My neice (who is now a mom herself) is also adopted and I know in her heart she has no other mother than my sister.

mildlydelirious · #6 (**permalink**) 07-12-2007, 10:07 PM

I've been meaning to respond to you Laura. I just haven't had the time to sit down and write a decent response. Sorry!

Know that you are in my thoughts.

~m

SmittyJr · #7 (**permalink**) 07-16-2007, 04:52 PM

Late in responding too, but I think the whole process of parenthood, no matter how it happens, will be as wonderful as you make it! And, I'm sure what you are feeling is pretty darn normal!

Nicole, you brought tears to my eyes from your perspective. It's not often you hear it!