An intro, and questions

naturalmama1002 · #1 (**permalink**) 07-01-2008, 10:15 AM

Hi everyone,

I'm new here, though I've posted on SheKnows in the past when I was pg. I am mama to two boys, ages 5 and 3. I have a rare condition called peripartum cardiomyopathy, which is pregnancy-induced heart failure. Although I am in excellent health now, the risk is too high to consider another pregnancy as my heart is damaged each time I am pregnant.

So, we are beginning our adoption journey to grow our family. We are looking at international programs.

Our biggest obstacle so far has been my DH's history of depression. He is completely stable, has been on medications for years, has never been hospitalized, has always been employed... he just takes medications to stay healthy. However, every country program we have considered so far has turned us away.

Does anyone have any suggestions, or tips? As much as I hate to not be forthcoming, I am almost to the point where the only option seems to be, to just not disclose that part of his medical history.

TIA for any insight!

Becki

JBB373 · #2 (**permalink**) 07-01-2008, 12:42 PM

Just want to welcome you - I don't know a lot about the international programs but I'm sure one of those girls will be happy to give you advice and suggestions.

GL!

nicoleb · #3 (**permalink**) 07-01-2008, 02:51 PM

Welcome!

We are doing international through Russia. Your agency will require you to have a letter from your doctor and I suspect it will could/would surface there as far as what medications your husband is on.

Ask your agency about it before you sign anything/send any money. Some agencies will work around it, some won't work with you period. I am particularily fond of my agency as we had another issue come up and they were wonderful working around it. If you would like a recomendation let me know.

Good luck!

mildlydelirious · #4 (**permalink**) 07-01-2008, 03:25 PM

I've been on anti-depressents for years. We just told them up front. We needed to have a regular check up from my PCP and also a letter from my psychiatrist that does my meds prescribing. He was happy to write us a glowing reference.

It just burns my butt that people still use that against people. I mean honestly, it's the people that never get on the right meds that NEED to be on them that you should worry about. Not the guy that's been doing the right thing and taking care of his chemical imbalance.

I don't have any good advice about how to get around it. I think no matter how much you want to hide it you probably shouldn't try as you pretty much have to turn your whole life over to your worker before you are done with your homestudy.

Just approach it as you would any other med he is on. When I filled out my application I just listed it with the others... Levothyroxine, Cymbalta, Metformin, etc... All of those meds are just a fact of life for me. I take them every day and I will for life. That doesn't make me a bad candidate to adopt a child. It just means I take the time to see my doctor and take care of myself.

You go girl. Hang on and find yourself an agency with a good fit.

KUP!

And,

to the board!

~m

theluvof2moms · #5 (**permalink**) 07-02-2008, 04:06 AM

I also want to

what Marian said.
My DP also struggles with depression and we talked with our social worker about and the agency we used they were willing to work around it if we got a letter from the doctor saying they thought L was stable/ok you know.

I would say keep interviewing don't give up, and be honest. I know sometimes it is better to ask for forgiveness but in this situation it is better to just be up front.

Little side note to show I understand your anxiety here. When we first started looking into adoption, we went to a couple of seminars on international adoption, the first place we went that had rave reviews from all of our friends, I just hated, the lady was like if an antidepressant has ever touched our tongue no country will work with you, blah, blah, blah. I left there crying both L and I have been on antidepressants at different times in our lives. So I called the director and talked to her she said the speaker must have had a bad night. Also there are some programs that are not all that strict.

Stay strong and keep researching you just haven't found your perfect match yet.

leanrog · #6 (**permalink**) 07-02-2008, 02:13 PM

I'm sure you will find an agency and a country out there that will work with you. Like the other girls said, you just have to keep looking. I just wanted to wish you luck on your adoption journey and welcome you

mildlydelirious · #7 (**permalink**) 07-04-2008, 11:51 PM

Any news?

~m

LauraH · #8 (**permalink**) 07-05-2008, 08:55 PM

Hi - I'm lurking here....

OMG that gets me SO MAD! The stigma about mental illness is really disgusting! I could go on for days

Anyway, when we were looking into adoption I was worried about that too, being a loooong time antidepressant taker. But before I could even ask the agency brought it up and said it is not a problem at all. So - I agree with the other ladies here - it seems like you have to look around for the right agency.

BEST of luck to you

-

JSquare · #9 (**permalink**) 07-07-2008, 08:34 AM

We've just started researching agencies and I've spoken with 7 so far . . . one thing I've learned is that they are all different. One said no to us because DH is divorced; another puts a lot of emphasis on religion; another was all about the money; and another doesn't care about any of that, they just want to know that we're good people who can take care of a child. The best advice I can give, and again we've just started in this process, is to do a lot of research, make a lot of phone calls, and ask many, many questions. I'm sure you will find the right agency so try not to get discouraged.
Good luck!

ruby1979 · #10 (**permalink**) 07-07-2008, 08:35 AM

Becki I don't have any advice but just wanted to take the time to

you!

*Mely1015*/Melissa · #11 (**permalink**) 07-10-2008, 11:37 AM

I just want to say

and good luck!!!!

ppcmawareness · #12 (**permalink**) 07-12-2008, 07:10 PM

Becki, I would like to invite you to visit www.amothersheart.org The group is for PPCM (peripartum cardiomyopathy) survivors and you will find a lot of information and support through the site, including adoption stories and post-PPCM baby stories.

Best wishes to you!

naturalmama1002 · #13 (**permalink**) 07-26-2008, 08:18 PM

Thanks everyone for the welcome and sorry I have taken so long to reply! Life has been hectic as we just went through a cross-country relocation and new jobs etc. so I have been squeezing in my research between all that.

My latest progress (biting nails here) is that we've been looking strongly at domestic adoption through the foster system. We had never really considered it before, but after door after door got shut in our face on the international front, we talked about going a different route and for whatever reason it just *feels* right.

We submitted our application last week along with our background checks... we both still have alot of questions which we're eager to pursue. The biggest fear I have in the whole process is the potential for the adoption to fall through, but I truly believe whatever is meant to happen, will. They are much more forgiving for one of things like depression and look (more fairly) at how it's been handled. We are more open to older babies/toddlers because we've been through the infant stage before and would just be happy to have another child.

So now we wait. My understanding is we will have to attend several workshop type classes and go through the homestudy process. My manager was actually sharing that her brother and his wife went the same route, finished everything in August of last year and brought home a baby in December... so depending on how it all goes we could be looking at sometime next year...

I have to try to prepare the house as we just moved in and we are in such chaos!

How did everyone approach this with their families? I am most worried about my husband's family. They know we have considered this, and his dad was adopted, and they have been largely positive, but whenever we discuss it seriously (as is their tendency with ANYthing serious) they start in with all the "have you thought of this or that negative" questions grilling us to make sure we're being realistic... so annoying...

Anyway... I'll keep you all posted and I'm sure I'll have loads of questions here pretty soon. Has anyone here been though foster and adoption?

p.s. ppcmawareness who are you on amothersheart? I've been there a long time actually but don't post often especially since my second son was born (busy, and I guess I try not to spend too much time focusing on the ppcm) but anyway, I was one of the post ppcm'ers that had a reoccurance with my second pg... so here I am...