Family reactions

Leese · #1 (**permalink**) 02-11-2008, 07:16 PM

Did anybody else have a questionable reaction from a family member about adoption? Here's what happened with us: we went to another agency seminar yesterday and MIL happened to call while it was happening. DH called her back later and explained where we were. From the way he tells it, she seemed taken aback and was asking if we had a medical problem and why we weren't having our own children. She asked DH how long we had been trying and he said a few months - which is partially true. Apparently she told him that it takes him more than a few months. We're well aware of that, lol. I could tell by the tone of his voice that he was thrown off his game.

I really like MIL, I have a lot of respect for her and I think she's going to be a great grandma. While I was pretty surprised at her reaction, I told DH that we have to remember this is the first she's heard of this and it can be surprising to find out we're thinking about it especially if you don't know anything about it at all. So I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt and hoping that she comes around once she gets used to the idea.

Has this happened to anybody else? Did your family come around after a while?

mcweix · #2 (**permalink**) 02-11-2008, 07:52 PM

Lisa, I hear ya girl! (BTW both our families are very well versed in adoption so I was surprised!) My mom was a bit mortified when we said we were moving on to adoption. She actually told me to just be greatful for what we had. She also asked if we HAD to take any child that was offered to us of if we got to CHOOSE from a few. To be honest, we havn't told anyone else since then because we think that they will have less time to worry for us when we know a placement is comming.

Most people don't understand the money aspect either. When DH's brother and sister were adopted 30 years ago, the fees were around $500 a peice and that was for the court hearing. When we mentioned to DH's dad what the costs were now, let's just say we won't go down that road again (something was mentioned about a new Silverado costing less)!

I think it's in our family nature to worry for each other, thus the saying "We take care of our own". It's hard because you want to share this with people but you don't always want or need to give the background info as to why you chose this route to parenthood and let's face the fact that most people you tell arn't experiencing that aching pain for a child right at that moment.

We don't talk about children at all with my MIL, she didn't think we should have any yet when we had DD and mentions every chance she has that she is proud that we arn't having any more. She never did ask if we WANTED more, she just ***+U+MEd we wern't.

Family is the greatest blessing, yet the heaviest anchor.

theluvof2moms · #3 (**permalink**) 02-12-2008, 06:32 AM

Oh the wonderful family reaction. Well it seems in my family I have been the first to do many things so I guess by the time I announced adoption I was no longer able to shock them. Although they were very sad to hear we had been actively TTC for so long and I never breathed a word to them. But that is a whole nother story.

The family has been very supportive of the adoption they had questions at first like why international and not domestic. The real problem has been the cultural differences. L and I live and a very diverse area so we see ALOT of different ethnicities around here my family pretty much sees alot of people that look like them and then those who don't usually aren't really welcomed into the home, not shunned but not welcomed. So we had alot of asian jokes going around at first and one day L found me in the bathroom crying becaus I was just so hurt by it all and well lets just say L put an end to it real quick. Ever since then no one has made one inappropriate joke (atleast not in my presence) and I know once the little guy gets here they will be ok.

Lisa, I bet your right though this was the first time MIL heard about it and she was probably taken back a little, sometimes we have to remember that they haven't been part of the everyday conversations as we prepare ourselves for the next chapter of life. YKWIM

*Mely1015*/Melissa · #4 (**permalink**) 02-12-2008, 02:33 PM

I heard ya! I got the same reaction from my MIL...she told me one time that I shouldn't have more kids b/c my diabetes...then when I shared with her about our infertility problems, she said that we shouldn't do any treatments b/c it was against God....then when we decided to share that we were going to adopt...she said that the kids from foster care to be adopted were sick and had problems of drugs...I guess that ignorance in some people is brutal...anyway, they are important but not THAT important! Who counts is you and your significant other or hubby!

ekchild · #5 (**permalink**) 02-13-2008, 08:38 AM

hey girls, my family reaction was pretty good, the ones that had a big deal about it was my grandparents which really wasnt about adoption but the fact that my dh and i are open to any race, this is a problem to them, oh well my dh and i said, the coment that really hurt was my grandmother saying "well i guess it doesnt matter we wont be around much longer so we wont have to around to long with IT" that pissed me off and to this day though i always tell them that if they dont like it then they have live with it but to dh and i it does not matter and we will love a child no matter what the color of the skin.

Dh's family is really happy for us and excited b/c they know the struggles dh has had and the reasoning for us adopting, Dh had cancer and cannot have his own children, they all seem to be ok with the whole situation.

nicoleb · #6 (**permalink**) 02-13-2008, 01:47 PM

My family reaction was great! In fact it was "why didn't you do this sooner?" At least that how it was on my side of the family.
I do believe it was because I am adopted, my brother is adopted and it is was always just the norm in my house.

My MIL had a harder time wrapping her head around the fact that she will probably never have a biological grandchild. Oh well!

Nicole

Leese · #7 (**permalink**) 02-13-2008, 03:54 PM

Wow, glad to know I'm not alone. I was surprised that my family seemed more open to it than his. I wasn't expecting that. I'm pretty clear about where my priorities are, myself, DH and my child/ren first, everybody else after that. My dad said at one point that the child's life would probably be easier if it looked like us, but I reminded him that if the child is adopted there is no way he or she will look like us, so we have to be realistic about this. I'm not going to pretend that this is my biological child (although DH jokes that we should especially if the child is a different ethnicity than us, he thinks it would be funny to just play dumb about it). I'm definitely not taking any flack from anybody about that.

I think once she has time to think about it she will come around. I imagine there is a grieving process that has to happen when she gives up whatever idea she had of what our family would be, I think adoptive parents go through that as well. I'll let you all know what happens with this.