Looks Like I'll Be Back

Loopy Lou · #1 (**permalink**) 06-26-2007, 03:52 PM

So February is not the month for us, so it looks like i will be back....Sadly I have had A LOT of bleeding, i went to my RE office on Sunday and was told the baby was measuring slightly smaller and no heartbeat, the female RE told me we had a 5% chance....I tried to stay hopeful, but i kinda new. So we went back today and my lovely Dr Brown and Nurse Arlene broke the bad news, too small no heartbeat, i am 7 weeks so not good, they were such a great support, they were genuinely so sad for us. DH and I took the boys with us, they were in the waiting room, the reason i wanted them there was to see there faces when we walked out, and boy did it help, i loved seeing them, also it helped me to keep it together, i am really okay though, i think i knew over the weekend, and i was mad and cried a lot then....The worse part is, i am just waiting for my lil peanut to pass, which i remeber last time was obviously not pleasant, i just hope it is faster this time. But i am glad i don't have to have a d&c....They took my blood to check levels and blood type, apparently if i am anything negative it puts me at some risk and will have to have a some sort of shot, i forgot the name, so lets pray i am something positive, and my peanut passes soon, and that my HCG levels drop rapidly and pleasantly....So we can get back on board again....At the weekend i wanted nothing to do with trying again, but we have invested so much not only physically but emotionally and financially, so i want to try again...I really am taking a lot of great milestones away from this, there is alot to be hopeful about...1st we found the "recipe" that worked for me, the egg and sperm met and fertilized, then it travelled and implanted in the right spot, infact a wonderful spot, my progesterone supps absolutely did their job, and today we got to see what a wonderful placenta and barrier around the sac we had...So we know we can do it. It was just the wrong chromosomes.....Also my RE is going to let me take tests for multiple losses to check my immune system, blood and other possible causes...so this way we can perhaps figure out if there is anything else we can do....so fingers crossed.....it was not the best few weeks of BFP joy, but i really do feel a lot of good news came from it, of course not the ultimate best news, but hopefully that is yet to come...Like my DR said we would not have wanted this to have gone any further along....Thank you for listening and always being there for me, i was going to post sooner, but i just was not ready yet, and i really wanted the official word.....I hope you are all doing well, and i really do not want to bring concern to anyone, remember the success rate is very high.

Mommie2Ava&Presley · #2 (**permalink**) 06-26-2007, 09:12 PM

I can't help but cry for you. I remember exactly how that felt when we lost our first one. Glad you have such a wonderful RE that is going to do further testing - especially the immune panel. That was the key for us. Please IM or email me any time, if you need to talk privately about your feelings. I would be more than happy to share or just listen to your frustrations or answer any questions.

I don't think I could say any more at this point that would be of any benefit; except perhaps what my anesthesiologist told me as I was going in for a D&C following my missed m/c. He said, "God was just saying this baby wasn't quite perfect enough for you. And the baby I want you to have will be perfect!" And he was right.

mommy524 · #3 (**permalink**) 06-27-2007, 05:46 AM

Lou - My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry.
I was crying all day yesterday because AF showed up. I can't even imagine what you were going though.
Again I am so sorry.

nessak · #4 (**permalink**) 06-27-2007, 11:11 AM

Lou- Oh honey I am so sorry. I don't even know what to say expect that we are here for you!! I cannot even imagine what you are going through, I got teary eyed while reading your post. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers!!
p/s- I agree with Shannon I am glad they are doing more testing on you~ I hope you find the answers you need.
God Bless,
Nessa

Mommie2Ava&Presley · #5 (**permalink**) 06-27-2007, 11:16 AM

My DH saw me crying at the computer last night when I posted and kept asking me what was wrong. I was so choked up I couldn't answer him. Finally when I finished my post I told him. It was like I could feel that day of mine all over again; and you never want anyone else to have to experience a feeling like that. I hope each day gets better and the answers come soon.

Celi · #6 (**permalink**) 06-27-2007, 02:17 PM

Lou, I cried a lot when I saw your post

because that was almost exactly what happened to me

But on the other hand you made feel silly because I didn't handled my m/c well and was always negative since that

You made me decide to be positive, you are right the important thing is that like Shannon said that was just not the perfect baby!
I'm praying for everyone here, hoping that soon we all will have our perfect baby!

bonitafrita · #7 (**permalink**) 06-27-2007, 03:12 PM

Lou, I am so sorry! I really wish I could give you some HUGS right now!!

Please know that we are thinking of you and that if you need anything, you know exactly where to find us. We love you!

Loopy Lou · #8 (**permalink**) 06-27-2007, 04:08 PM

Oh girls thank you so so much, you are all wonderful friends.

Shannon ~ I love what you said, i agree it just was not meant to be, "not quite perfect enough". I am so sorry i made you cry, and brought back all you memories, i did not mean to do so. Just squeeze Ava a little tighter it will help

Karen ~ Oh i am so sorry to hear about AF, you are going through pain this month too, yours is not minimized by mine, yours is still a loss, i know how that monthly loss feels, please stay optimistic, like the everyone else we are waiting for that right egg and swimmer.... Every one has a specific birth date for a reason, please believe that. Everything happens for a reason, sometimes there's no satisfying explanation though.

Nessa and Heidi ~ Thank you so much for always being there, i appreciate your kind words, they mean so much to me.

Celi ~ Like i said to shannon i am so sorry i rehashed those memories for you, i sometimes type before i think...But no matter what please please do not feel silly for how you felt, i did have a very hard time with my past losses.

This time i have been able to pull my strength from the boys, i know i did not carry them or give birth to them, but i have them. For you ladies i know your pain... in the past i did not handle it very well, i tried to be brave, but i was so terribly sad and hurt, it is so normal and natural to feel that way, i am still having moments throughout the day, i just have to look forward. The hard part now is knowing what lays ahead, the waiting for the sac etc.. to expel itself, but when it does, i will be able to truly look forward. I never want to minimize how anyone else feels we all have different defense mechanisms. Again sorry i rehashed old memories.... I know one day i will look in the eyes of my baby and be so happy it is them i have, and had this not happened i may not have them. I hope that does not sound too crazy.

Again, thank you ladies for always being their!!!!