Selfish Mom- is it really all that bad?

kjo · #1 (**permalink**) 02-22-2006, 06:43 AM

Looking through the SAHM/WOHM thread got me thinking a little about this. No Mother wants to be labeled as selfish in any way, but don't we all need to be a little selfish at one time or another to keep our sanity? I don't know if I can be a giving selfless Mother 100% of the time. There are some things that I just NEED to be a better person and a better Mother.

Is being selfish at times always bad? What do you consider bad selfish behavior and what do you consider normal selfish behavior in a Mother?

geela · #2 (**permalink**) 02-22-2006, 06:56 AM

Well, we certainly do need to take care of ourselves. So, I don't consider things a woman does to care for herself to nessesarily be selfish. I personally think it all comes down to how well you *know* your children, how *close* you are with your children. When I hear stories about teens who get into major trouble and their parents say they had no idea I often wonder how much time they had been spending with their kids. That is not to say that sh!t doesn't happen even to kids in families that do spend a lot of time together, but it is less likely to happen and when it does parents usually had an inkling something was wrong.

sweet pickles · #3 (**permalink**) 02-22-2006, 07:00 AM

It's all about having balance

mrsryan23 · #4 (**permalink**) 02-22-2006, 07:06 AM

I don't think that taking time for yourself is selfish. But I do think that some of us might feel like it is. The other weekend, my dh surprised me with an overnight trip out of town. I was really excited, but I just hated to leave the girls overnight. I'm with them everyday all day, so while you think I would be ready to hand them over, I felt a little selfish.
But I have to tell you, I needed that get away more than I knew. I haven't been that relaxed in I can't remember when.

I know mommies strive really hard to give everything of themselves to their children, but you have to refuel sometimes.

Kelli

momnid · #5 (**permalink**) 02-22-2006, 07:11 AM

I find that if I don't take time, and be selfish, for myself, I get burnt out much faster on my time with the kids. I get more edgy and the things that wouldn't normally bother me, get on my nerves. Even being selfish and going to the grocery store alone once a month, helps me recharge a bit.
I like the finer things, my kids don't suffer because I get my hair done once a month, or get a pedicure and manicure twice a month. But a girl deserves to be pampered. As long as there is balance between the mom doing things for herself and the amount of time spent with her kids, of course the time with kids needs to be FAR greater than the selfish times, I think it can work together.

neubie · #6 (**permalink**) 02-22-2006, 07:42 AM

Ok, I do not have kids yet but some of the concerns that plague american moms simply do not exist for a mother from India. Usually we have a close knit family and even though the parents do not necessarily live with the son's fmaily anymore. The grandparents willingly share the burden(?) of looking after the grandkids till they are of a certain age if the mom is working too. The neighgbours too pitch in with occasional babysitting if they have time and inclination. Kids, once they are not babies anymore, usually go out and play with neighbourhood kids and do not need to be monitored at all times. The mother does not need to entertain her kid all the time or keep the kid engaged at home all the time either. The emotional needs of the baby are also fed by the strong emotional bond with the grandparents and the extended family.

I know I used to look forward to spending as much time with my grandparents as possible. After I was around five years of age, I used to spend good 2-3 hours atleast with my friends outside. Thankfully the incidence of child kidnapping and associated misdeeds is not that high here so parents do not worry when the kids are out by themselves. I think that all this left my mom (or today's mom) with some free time to do her own thing.

Emaline · #7 (**permalink**) 02-22-2006, 07:48 AM

I absolutely agree it is all about finding a balance. If you are making yourself crazy and not having any time to yourself ever and you feel like your about to explode then I do not see how you can be a good mother. Obviously not every mother feels this way but I will bet the majority of them do at some point or another. I think it is fine to take some me time as long as it is balanced out with a lot of kid time.

roxrkool · #8 (**permalink**) 02-22-2006, 07:58 AM

My boy is my life, but I also enjoy the evening after he's in bed. I've always been the type or person who requires a lot of alone time and I get a little moody when I don't get it. I also work because I love working. I guess I'm a selfish mom, too.

momnid · #9 (**permalink**) 02-22-2006, 08:12 AM

Originally Posted by neubie

Ok, I do not have kids yet but some of the concerns that plague american moms simply do not exist for a mother from India. Usually we have a close knit family and even though the parents do not necessarily live with the son's fmaily anymore. The grandparents willingly share the burden(?) of looking after the grandkids till they are of a certain age if the mom is working too. The neighgbours too pitch in with occasional babysitting if they have time and inclination. Kids, once they are not babies anymore, usually go out and play with neighbourhood kids and do not need to be monitored at all times. The mother does not need to entertain her kid all the time or keep the kid engaged at home all the time either. The emotional needs of the baby are also fed by the strong emotional bond with the grandparents and the extended family.

I know I used to look forward to spending as much time with my grandparents as possible. After I was around five years of age, I used to spend good 2-3 hours atleast with my friends outside. Thankfully the incidence of child kidnapping and associated misdeeds is not that high here so parents do not worry when the kids are out by themselves. I think that all this left my mom (or today's mom) with some free time to do her own thing.

I have a very close knit family too. I grew up being extremely close to my aunts and uncles and my Grandma. Even now I am still close to them. But I live in WA and they live in AZ. IF we lived closer, they would be beating my door down to help with the kids. As it is right now, when I go visit, I rarely see the kids. Nice break for me!

neubie · #10 (**permalink**) 02-22-2006, 08:22 AM

Originally Posted by momnid

I have a very close knit family too. I grew up being extremely close to my aunts and uncles and my Grandma. Even now I am still close to them. But I live in WA and they live in AZ. IF we lived closer, they would be beating my door down to help with the kids. As it is right now, when I go visit, I rarely see the kids. Nice break for me!

That does present some practical difficulties doesn't it?

But I must say that when my parents used to live in different cities than my grnadparents, we used to spend the entire summer vacation of two months with the grandparents. My parents did not have any qualms about leaving us there for such a long time and I used to look forward to that actually as well. I sure wanted to get away from my mom atleast for some time.

But I am sure that it does not work for all parents.

I am sure the distances there also makes such things unpractical!

Kadydid · #11 (**permalink**) 02-22-2006, 08:45 AM

I think that the mom does need to recharge her batteries. I am a SAHM and I do not need a break so much from my older ones (11 and 10) they are really good boys. But my baby, I am definitely happy when he goes to sleep for the night. I cherish every second with him up until that time. Every huggie, every song (he kind of howls but we call it singing) every one of his face touches every moment. But when he goes down, it is time for me to take a break!

I do a little dance!

NovAngel · #12 (**permalink**) 02-22-2006, 08:50 AM

Everything Rox said.

michelemiller · #13 (**permalink**) 02-22-2006, 08:17 PM

i think it's absolutely essential to be what others might consider "selfish". i think it's a bad phrase to use because mothers are already the biggest group of martyrs on the planet and it's a dangerous word for us to let ourselves use. so i'd like to use a different word...self-loving maybe? self-giving? self-caring? something other than selfish.

i'm not self-loving/giving/caring enough, i think...and i burn out. so i'm trying to work on that.

Caryn1003 · #14 (**permalink**) 02-23-2006, 07:01 AM

I haven't read all the replies yet, but Kari, I totally agree with you. I love my daughter, but I also love my friends and my alone time, and I hate that some people think when you become a mother, your whole life should go out the window.

cin1294 · #15 (**permalink**) 02-23-2006, 07:32 AM

Is being selfish at times always bad? Being selfish at times in not bad. Everyone needs time to themselves and it does not make someone a bad person for needing that time to recharge or whatever they do. I don't get much time to myself so if DH and I decided to go to the movies or something without the kids I enjoy that time. (If someone thinks I am a bad mother because I enjoy some time away from my kids then so be it)

What do you consider bad selfish behavior and what do you consider normal selfish behavior in a Mother?
Normal selfish to me (which I don't think is selfish at all) is taking sometime to yourself to do what ever you want. Whether it is going to get your nails done, go tanning, walking in the park alone or finding time to curl up with a good book. Or whatever you feel you need to do to unwind.

What I would consider to be bad selfish behavior is someone that is never there for their children. For instants there was an episode of Wife Swap or Trading Spouses (I can't remember which one) were the woman only spent like 30 mins a night with her children. A nanny got the kids up and ready for school while the mother slept in. Her husband worked 12-14 hrs a day and she spent the day at the gym, shopping and dining with friends while her kids were being raised by a nanny. The woman would walk in the door as the kids were being put to bed. That to me is selfish in a bad way.

veiledexpressions · #16 (**permalink**) 02-23-2006, 08:04 AM

Originally Posted by neubie

Ok, I do not have kids yet but some of the concerns that plague american moms simply do not exist for a mother from India. Usually we have a close knit family and even though the parents do not necessarily live with the son's fmaily anymore. The grandparents willingly share the burden(?) of looking after the grandkids till they are of a certain age if the mom is working too. The neighgbours too pitch in with occasional babysitting if they have time and inclination. Kids, once they are not babies anymore, usually go out and play with neighbourhood kids and do not need to be monitored at all times. The mother does not need to entertain her kid all the time or keep the kid engaged at home all the time either. The emotional needs of the baby are also fed by the strong emotional bond with the grandparents and the extended family.

I know I used to look forward to spending as much time with my grandparents as possible. After I was around five years of age, I used to spend good 2-3 hours atleast with my friends outside. Thankfully the incidence of child kidnapping and associated misdeeds is not that high here so parents do not worry when the kids are out by themselves. I think that all this left my mom (or today's mom) with some free time to do her own thing.

That sounds so ideal. I would love it if our "culture" were more like that. I believe it takes more than just the parents to raise a well rounded children. Yes, parents are the main influence, but closeness and respect between the younger generation and their elders means a great deal.

Unfortunately, we have a high divorce rate in the US, so grandparents may not even be together. My parents are divorced, as are my husbands. He doesn't even know his father. My mother and I are close, and she will come over and spend time with the kids quite a bit (she lives quite close). My father is the same, though they are never here at the same time.

I love hearing about other cultures. It makes me a bit envious

I believe your family structure set up is wonderful.

veiledexpressions · #17 (**permalink**) 02-23-2006, 08:04 AM

That should read "well rounded children" Ignore the "a" thrown in there lol

Brenda2005 · #18 (**permalink**) 02-24-2006, 05:45 PM

I don't think a mother wanting some time for herself is being selfish at all..she's just being a human being. As long as there is a balance (which some idiot thought was funny for some reason) there is nothing wrong for a mother to have time for herself..why not? After all that a mother does for her children, nurturing them, caring for them, and if she's working, working for them, plus if she has to do the household chores..come on now, she of course needs time to unwind