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This is a discussion on If your DH cheated.. within the Debate forums, part of the Say Anything category; Would you want him to tell you? What if it was a one-time thing, and he felt horrible and ...
Would you want him to tell you? What if it was a one-time thing, and he felt horrible and will not ever do it again? What about an affair? Would you leave no matter what? Would it make a difference in whether or not you stayed if he told you or if you found out from an outside source?
I have known many woman who have found out thru an outside source and forgave their dh's. I just think, if you did not find out, would they stop. Doubt it. If it was a one time thing and your dh told you, I could see how some woman would forgive. I am, however, not one. If you are married, there is no reason to ever put yourself in any situation like that.
I have not been it ANY situation like this, so if it actually happened, things may be different. That is what some of these woman have told me anyway. As far as now, I would say leave.
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Carissa, mommy to Adam 5/19/05
and Megan 12/27/07
First weight loss goal 30lbs by my 30th Birthday November 5th
Location: Spokane, Washington and rural mountains of North Central Idaho
Posts: 4,312
Re: If your DH cheated..
I was in a 9 year relationship, not married, but we lived together and he cheated numerous times. He always told me he would not do it again, but he did over and over. I was naive and young, and believed him every time. I loved him and thought he was all the best man in the world. He got to blaming it on his job, he was a professional baseball player, and blamed it on us being apart when his team would go on the road etc. I finally woke up one day and ended the relationship. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
That said, I would not forgive my DH and he would be out the door in a heartbeat. I don't see myself feeling differently, if, God forbid, I ws ever actually put in that situation, based on my previous experience in a cheating relationship.
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I've told him time and time again, if he EVER gets the urge to cheat let me know so I can move on. Cheating is not acceptable and if I ever found out he did he would be gone in a heatbeat as I expect him to do the same if I did. There is no reason to play games. If you want soemone else let me know. I'll go....
Hmm
If he cheated, and I found out from someone else, his stuff would be packed and sitting outside.
I was with a cheater before and it was a complete joke. He usually ended up trying to turn it around to make it look like it was my fault.
If my d/h cheated and came to me and told me, I would want to forgive him, might even try, but I think it would ruin the foundation of our relationship and would continue to be a hurdle that our relationship might never get past.... I know I would be inclined to think about it, obsess about it and I beleive it would poison us.
If he had an ongoing affair, i dont care if HE told me, if sumone ELSE told me or if the news was attatched to an airplane going across the sky. There is no way I would attempt to work things out. That would be the WORST betrayal, (although I do see any sort of cheating a betrayal)
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Shilo ~ Co-Host of The 2WW
Mom of 4~19,15,14 & almost 1
Expecting #5 (t/r baby#2) Jan 13th
The details wouldn't matter. Divorce, plain and simple.
If he wanted to start a new relationship with me, and *I* felt like it, I might try it. After the divorce, of course, but him having an affair would make him somebody I don't know, and I don't marry or stay married to strangers.
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I know that once my initial hurt and shock passed, when the kids dad cheated on me, I wanted things to be 'ok' and back to normal. I wanted to think it would all work out. But I realized that no matter what, I would always wonder what he was up to, and I would always remember the level of disrespect he had for me that let him feel it was 'ok' to cheat.
I dont think I could ever rebuild a relationship with a cheater.
And an ongoing affair? HAH! I would NEVER want to see that loser's face again. Death by disassociation.
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Shilo ~ Co-Host of The 2WW
Mom of 4~19,15,14 & almost 1
Expecting #5 (t/r baby#2) Jan 13th
I'd rather hear it from him than from an outside source. It's always humiliating to be the last to know. There is no excuse and though I do believe people can change, one thing is for sure -- for the cheater to earn back that trust will take a long time. It's quite funny how some try to turn it around on you like it's your fault. I'm not yet married, but I do know what it's like to be cheated on. There was nothing I could do to make them pay, but I am a firm believer that what goes around comes around.
I'm not sure. I think it's hard to say without being in that situation. I do think there is a difference in cheating once and telling about it, and someone who carries on an affair behind your back. I think I would rather have my DH tell me about it, rather than someone else, and I do think that would make a difference. I would probably forgive, but that doesn't mean I would be able to trust him, maybe never being able to trust him, but I would probably stick it out if I could.
I would honesly rather be blissfully ignorant. If I had to find out I would prefer it come from him. I can't really say what I would do unless I was in the situation--it is a hard one to speculate on, especially now that we have a child.
If my husband were to cheat and HE was the one who told me because of a guilty conscience/wanting to make things right motive- i'd forgive him and move on. If it was something done on a regular basis and he wasn't feeling guilty then it would likely end our marriage
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Amanda: Mom of 5 beautiful kiddos. We are a non-vaxing, unschooling, homechurching, and farming family. We are unique and love every minute of it
Before kids- he would be out on his a$$ no questions asked
Since having kids- I think I would like to try to make it work but it would really depend on the "circumstances".
If I found out from someone else I don't think I could forgive him. I would not only be dealing w/ the cheating thing but also the humiliation of everyone else knowing before me...and is he going to stop only because he got caught.
If he came to tell me what had happened...expressed remorse...swore never to do it again...I would try to make it work. Unfortunately I'm not so sure how well I could handle every having sex with him again knowing what I know. The trust thing might never completely come back, and he would have to agree to the fact that his a$$ is mine and must earn my trust back on my terms or it would be over.
In an ideal world: if he did it once, swore to himself never to do it again (and didn't)...I would prefer to live in blissful ignorance.
If your DH cheated..
Shilo
