Today was supposed to be...

angie33 · #1 (**permalink**) 09-08-2007, 06:37 AM

my due date for my 2nd angel.

I think it's hard b/c this weekend is Grandparent's Day and I joked long ago about giving my parents another grandchild for Grandparen't Day and lo and behold it ended up being my due date. (Well that weekend anyway)

I am trying my best not to be depressed or angry today. (Didn't get off to a great start but I'm trying)

No one IRL understands, but I know from talking to you ladies that this is real pain, and not me being dramatic. It hurts knowing I should be holding her in my arms...I *think* dh, dsd & I may release pink balloons later today, or just do something. I think I would feel better if I honored her memory in some way. It isn't just a normal day for me.

I'm at work now, so that will distract me for a while. Will have lots of people at my house by the time I get home, so that will as well. Then plans for this evening. I know I'll be ok.

I just wanted to get this out. Thanks for reading, I feel better. I hope everyone has a great weekend.

Oh btw, I am on the pill and at the end of the month will be doing IUI again. My test results should be back at the beginning of next week, and I'm praying there's something there to fix. Thanks to everyone who has sent kind words, they mean so much!

heidsz · #2 (**permalink**) 09-08-2007, 07:27 AM

I totally understand your grief. I just lost my little boy 7 weeks ago, he was 38 weeks and totally healthy but he was born still 4 days before he was to be taken. I have the same feeling of empty arms and feeling that I should be holding him. Now, I am going back to the RE to start the IUI process again.

It is a hard thing to go through and I think until you actually experience it or have someone close to you that has alot of people don't realize the deepness of the hurt. Plus the infertility isssues on top of it make things even more stressful.

Who knows maybe your little angels are keeping my little boy Chase company up there. You are in my prayers as I know your pain.

Take care,
Heidi

angie33 · #3 (**permalink**) 09-08-2007, 08:19 AM

Heidi-

Thank you so much. I have followed your story as I lurk everywhere on the boards and post on alot of them. I have been thinking of you alot lately, and I hope you are getting through this tough time.

Your reply to my post means alot to me. I'm glad there are people out there who understand.

Please take care of yourself...who knows maybe we can be pg together very soon....

babidius · #4 (**permalink**) 09-08-2007, 09:57 AM

Angie and Heidi, I am so sorry for both of your losses. You are both in my prayers!!

heidsz · #5 (**permalink**) 09-08-2007, 12:47 PM

Hi Angie,

I also wanted to tell you there is another board silentgrief.com and it is for people who have miscarried or stillborn, fertility issues etc... I have found it to be a comfort to see how other people are doing. It makes me feel like I am not crazy for feeling the way I do. It would be great if we were pregnant together. Are you having an IUI done? I go back later on this month to start treatment again, I am thinking the first time they will try will be in October. Because of my age (35) and fertility issues, rather than waiting the 6-12 months that is the normal for trying to conceive after a loss my doctor thinks I should try as soon as I can. For me, I agree with that. Nothing will take away the feeling of loss but it will give me more hope for the future. I am sure you know what I mean.

Take care,
Heidi

netra68 · #6 (**permalink**) 09-08-2007, 04:52 PM

Angie as you know you are not alone. When I lost my 3rd baby in September, 2005 I did think on his/her birthday (April 7, 2006)...I had a quiet moment to reflect and remember. This year, I did remember but the feelings weren't quite as strong. I agree that you should do something as a tribute, it's important to take some day to think about what could have been. After you do that, think about the new journey that your IUI will take you at the end of the month.

:

Heidi, I am so sorry for your loss.

toniq · #7 (**permalink**) 09-10-2007, 05:25 AM

Hi angie,

Me and dh bought a candle after we lost our twins and we light it on special occassions, (theyre first birthday has just passed), we find it helps, i also bought a couple of cuddly toys which sit on my dresser and i often give them a hug ( fills my arms!),

People are always awkward when talking about babies around me and i wish they wouldnt be.

Many many hugs to heidi as well.

angie33 · #8 (**permalink**) 09-10-2007, 08:02 AM

Thank you ladies....your kind words mean alot to me. Dh, dsd & I released 3 pink balloons on Saturday and had some quiet moments, as we just watched them float away. I told dsd when she asked what they were for that today was supposed to be our angel's birthday and everyone needs birthday balloons. So we were sending those up to her in heaven. She really liked the idea and I think it made her feel better. She did tell me she would rather have me be holding her baby sister than letting ballons go though. All in all, we're doing ok. I didn't want to make a huge fuss, but I needed to do something, ya know?

We're getting geared up for another IUI cycle as soon as I get through the bcp. Oh, and Heidi, thanks for the website...I truly appreciate your help! Hope you're doing ok.