DH and I have been arguing about whether a man and a woman can be "just friends." He says no and I say absolutely they can. And he says that it's "inappropriate" for someone to have a good friend of the opposite sex when they are involved or married.

I'd love to hear what you all have to say on the subject. I'm also going to add a poll so you can add your confidentially if you'd like. What have your experiences been with this?


~m

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Absolutely!!

If a husband and wife love each other there should be NO REASON what-so-ever that a woman or man cant have a friend of the opposite sex.

I have a couple great guy friends that my gf and I meet up with for drinks every now and then.

One of them just went through a divorce and I helped him through that, just as I would my best "girlfriend"

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Stacie
DS~Jake
DS~Elijah

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL????????

I shouldnt say love each other, I should say TRUST each other!!!

Of Course! We are going to Florida for a wedding that DH is in...because he is best friends with the BRIDE!!

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I think it's totally okay if you are friends with the opposite gender and so does my dh. It's never been a problem, but I have friends who's husbands are not okay with it. It's all about trust IMO

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JANAY-34
DH-34
TTC#1 since 2000
DX endo, MTHFR
IVF#1 BFN
IVF#2 fall 08
starting DHEA in Sept

If my DH didn't trust me and vice versa, we never would have gotten married. I have a lot of male friends, and he has a lot of female friends. Plus in the workplace, I work primarily with men. Travel with men. Have evening meetings and industry association meetings with men. Like Stacie and Janay said, it's all about trust.

With my previous job, a coworker's wife used to call me her DH's work wife b/c we spent so much time together. She trusted her DH and in time got to know me as well. DH, my DD & I stayed at their house when we took a vacation back to visit my friends in KC a couple years ago, and we all had a wonderful time!!!

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IMO I thought this once ot be true!
Women and Men can platonic relationships. DH once said this to me caused a major war. Then he said to me, to test it out on sevral guys I was just friends with. This was while I was just dating him. To no avail, dh was right and like he said, had I put it out there as if I was willing to fool around they would jump om it. I was so taken back by the response. I felt so naive and ignorant. Something I definately am not! Since then I take dh advice on this one because I think women CAN BE JUST FRIENDS, while men on most occasions (especially ones who are single/ & not committed) have some kind of ulterior motive, JMO.

Although, I would trust dh to be friends with another woman, DH trust me he said he don't trust the men..lol

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Looks like I'm the minority. I say NO -- however I feel that they can be friends as long as the spouse is also good friends and it's more of a group thing. But going out alone with a person of the opposite sex (or same sex, whichever fits) is wrong. I also am a believer that a married person has no business in a bar or social scene that is a pickup place.

I'm not sure trust is the whole issue - I think it is also respect - not to put yourself in a postition that someone could misconstrue (sp). Work associates are completely different.

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I totally feel you Justine.
In response to this comment: I also am a believer that a married person has no business in a bar or social scene that is a pickup place. When I was once unhappily married to my exhusband. I never thought it was wrong, my mom used to say this all the time. I agree that to be in a bar on a frequent or in that kind of scene is a RED FLAG that something is not right. Now that I am happily married and very much in love, I would never think to go do that. I mean if it was a bachelortte party or an occasion, yes, then I would, but I do agree with you.

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But going to a bar, doesn't mean you are there to cheat on your spouse

The way you are both talking about a bar, you make it sound "DIRTY"

Now mind you I have had experiences at a bar when some guy might try and flatter me, well GO FOR IT!! I simply reply Thank you, and that I am happily married and they go on their way.

But Marians original question was about having a Male friend...not the bar scene in itself.

There IS a difference of knowing you are going there to pick someone up, or just going out for a
couple drinks with friends to unwind.

Hell that is usually the only adult contact I have besides that of my stress related job!


I am guessing our opinions differ alot on this because of experiences we might have had in that situation. Good or bad.

Or maybe personal experiences of a cheating spouse or boyfriend.?

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Stacie
DS~Jake
DS~Elijah

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL????????

Staciew, you are totally 100% right, I also do not think the bar scene is dirty at all. I guess a matter of opinion. Also in a place like a bar/club/lounge the majority of the people I would say are looking to meet someone. Of course the reality is you can meet a person in the fruit store, but I guess I also have several friends who frequent bars and they all cheat on their husbands. Their hibs all had problems with this and they managed to trick them into trusting them, meanwhile they are cheaters...lol Oh who cares, to each is own. I need to shut the hell up.... lol Hell I met dh online, so I guess you can meet anyone anywhere especially if your intent is to do something wrong..lol

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LMAO AT THE FRUIT STAND!!!!!

OH boy! Well, I can attest to both ways, I also have friends who have been cheated on or have cheated!

I guess like you said, If you are looking for trouble, that is what you are going to get.....right?

That is why we all have opinions, we are not all alike, and that is what makes us special

Like you also said, to each their own...thats what makes the world go round

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Stacie
DS~Jake
DS~Elijah

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL????????

I AGREE!

Marian, you probably got more than you bargained for! The question is a complicated one to answer and one that you and DH will need to come to an agreement on! Best of Luck to you!!!!!

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Yeah where oh where did Marian go?

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Stacie
DS~Jake
DS~Elijah

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL????????

I do have many male friends - several of which were my friends before I married, and remain good friends to this day. One of my best male friends met/married around the same time I did, so that transition was pretty easy. I'm not great friends with his wife, too, and the 4 of us hang out often. We still do things together just the two of us . . . especially when one or both of us has a spouse out of town. BUT, the key is, that our spouses know and trust us (then again, we were never a "couple" and neither of us ever wanted that). I think it can't work if the male party wants more, and it can't work if you have to sneak around and hide it. But I definitely think men and women can be just friends.

My DH mostly only has female friends - I trust him to meet them for drinks/dinner, and I've become friends with most of them, too.

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I think with everyone so far. I think it depends on what's in your heart. If you are looking for something, you will find it. Whether a bar, at work or "the fruit stand."

What I am trying to tell my DH though is that I have no intention of cheating on him. I don't have the energy (or the body type) for one thing and I usually have three little people tagging along with me wherever I go. I'd like to know how I could get some action going with that happening. (I personally haven't been in a bar in like four years) DH is actually not really concerned. I have had male friends my entire life. I get along great with men. And my male friends tend to be men that are somewhat dysfunctional in life anyway. It's like I pick up strays. Dogs, cats, men, children... you name it. I kind of gravitate towards people/things that need nurturing.

At the same time I can truthfully say that there was a time in my former life that I did find ahhhh... friendship and a bit more. And it probably saved my life. I was in a very abusive (physically, emotionally and mentally) relationship and was not able to extricate myself at that time. My friend helped me get out of that relationship. I'm not proud of it and it's usually not something I bring up in conversation. I am just sharing it as an example that it can be risky in some situations to become "friends."

The reason that I am asking this question at all has less to do with my DH than it has to do with my best friend of eight years. (a man) He has started seeing a woman (a bit whacko woman IMO) and he/she have decided he should not be friends with me. I was just devastated. I still am actually. The kids and I did a ton of stuff with him and they kind of think of him as a grandpa kind of guy. And now, in a week or two of their seeing each other, I have been dumped. And I have been really sad. And this is where DH comes in. NOW he tells me that he thinks men and women relationships are inappropriate. After this guy being my friend for eight years??! I can guarantee you that there is no way on earth I am leaving DH to be with him for a partner and my DH knows this. And it started me wondering if everyone felt this way or I was just the odd one.

I think that the person that said that men and women look at friendships differently is probably right too. In the beginning of my friendship with this guy he did have other ideas. But I was able to stomp those ideas and since then we have overcome that and been great friends. But, maybe not, as he has not had any other woman in his life this entire time. Until now, and now he thinks we can't be friends. So maybe I am just incredibly naive or something.

Okay, sorry I'm rambling here. I'm just having a heck of a time trying to figure this out in my life. It is really hard to lose a best friend. And I am so not in a frame of mind to take anymore loss right now.

I'm interested in hearing some more about what you all think. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.


~m

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Wow...well maybe Art is just trying to pretend it bothers him to make you feel better about the whole situation.

That really sucks that after 8 years of friendship, that he finds it easy to just break it off, because his new gal pal has a problem with it.

See that just goes to show that NOT everyone can handle their partner having the opposite gender as a best friend.

I am so sorry you are sad....I would be crushed if one of my guy friends did that.

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Stacie
DS~Jake
DS~Elijah

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL????????

It is really a tough situation . . . I'd guess that they will have many jealousy issues in their relationship, but losing a friend is always difficult.

I'm also with you, Staciew about the bar scene - I go for drinks sometimes with DH, sometimes with couple friends, sometimes with female friends (married & single), and sometimes to accompany single friends of mine. I never gave men the time of day in the bar singles scene when I was single, so I certainly wouldn't do it now! But, I feel that if it supports my friends, I can go. I wear a wedding ring, and if anyone ever approached me, I'd tell them I was married. I recently went to a bachelorette party . . . and a whole bunch of us (mostly married) went out on the town. We had a blast - and had no issues with men "getting the wrong idea."

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