A lil' story about 7 IVFs

macmad33 · #1 (**permalink**) 03-17-2008, 07:08 PM

Yep, that is right 7 IVF’s ttc baby #2. I have only talked about 5 of them. I just got so numb after so many bfns. 4 of them were fresh and 3 were frozen.

I finished my last fresh IVF cycle back in Sept. I decided to do a frozen cycle in Nov/Dec with my last 2 embryos from my successful IVF cycle that resulted in DS. That was also a bfn. Brushed myself off and decided to go for my very last IVF cycle.

I had 5 blasts from a previous unsuccessful cycle. So I started my meds back in Dec and mid-way through the cycle I screwed up my meds. I took bcp pills 4 days too long. RE suggested I scrap the whole cycle and start again. It was days before Christmas and I was devastated. But again, I just picked myself and went on with my lil IVF life.

I did my meds for 1.5 months (their FET protocol is nuts!!) and my transfer was scheduled for 2/10. The day before my transfer I got the 24 hour stomach flu and was in bed the whole time. The morning of my transfer I was feeling better from that but I had a sore throat. I got to RE’s office and they told me that 4 embies had survived the thaw, but one really wasn’t doing much. We had discussed prior to that we would transfer everything that thawed. So we put all four back. The RE told me I should go home a drink a glass a wine. She said it half joking and then said, no I am serious. I did my research on this in med school and she said that when someone drank wine the embryos flourished. She said the wine did not matter – red or white. I have not drank in so many years but I thought what the heck so DH and I went and bought a bottle of wine. So I drank a glass of red the next 2 days.

The day after my transfer my sore throat turned into a full blown cold/flu. The following day I was so sick that they sent me home from work. I just wasn’t feeling right so I went to the RE’s on my way home and asked them to test me for a UTI and sure enough I had one. They put my on antibiotics. I was so crushed b/c I just knew the cycle was not going to work. How could and embryo survive all that????

I just let everything go at that point and made peace with it. I just knew I should move on and there was no hope for success. At 7dp5dt for the heck of it I took a pregnancy test. And when I went back into the bathroom to check it, I was truly surprised to see the faintest of faint second lines. I literally stood in the bathroom with my mouth open and tears welling up in my eyes. I ran out into the family room and told DH. We both started to cry and jump up and down. DS got so excited b/c we were excited, but he had no idea what was going on.

I felt so relieved to have this pressure suddenly lifted off me. I could finally start to think about things that I have not allowed myself to think about in soooo long. Would I be able to decorate another nursery? Nurse another baby? What would he/she look like, etc? I begged to get my beta moved up. They let me come in 2 days early at 10dp5dt. The nurse called me to give me the results but before she did she put me on speakerphone and then all the nurses yelled “congratulations Janine!!!” you are pregnant and then she proceeded to tell me my number was 188. I was elated, but still just had this profound fear this was all too good to be true.

About 20 minutes after I got this call I went to the bathroom at work and I started to bleed. I knew instantly that it was over. I was in just disbelief and walked around in a complete daze the next 24 hours. I only had 20 minutes to enjoy the news – WTF? The nurse told me to go home and rest and that it was probably nothing but I knew better.

The next day I got my beta and it was only 214. I called DH and told him it was over. He wanted to know excelty what the nurse said and I told him that she did not say much to just come back in 2 days for a repeat beta. So he called her himself and asked what the odds were it was over. She of course gave him false hope saying that it could be vanishing twin, etc. but I knew she was just trying to keep us from dying inside. Two days following my beta was at 64. I stopped all medications and got AF 5 days later.

So here I sat almost 3 weeks since this happened. I now have to somehow give up the dream of having my own (2nd) biological baby. I am not sure how I am going to do it but I do know that I am ready to start living my life again. I feel like I have given up myself for some many years. Neither DH nor I can believe that we got a bfp after some many bfns and the worst part is that I would have been happier just having the bfn. I had already moved on and made peace with it only to get a last kick in the teeth to an already horrible gut-wrenching journey that I have been on. I have not been able to post in a long time b/c honestly it hurts, but as each days passes I feel like I am gaining little bits of myself back. I don’t think I will ever be that same person I was before infertility claimed my existence but I have promised myself that I will try to live the best life I can and enjoy my DH and DS as much as I can. Thanks for always being there for me over the years.

Staciewi · #2 (**permalink**) 03-17-2008, 07:43 PM

OH Janine

I am so sorry

You know I love ya girl.

aquarianangel · #3 (**permalink**) 03-17-2008, 07:53 PM

Gosh! Your story is completely heartbreaking Janine!

I have no words to offer except say that I am truly so sorry that you had to go through such a rollercoaster! But I am glad that you are slowly finding yourself and trying to move on!

Wish you lots of happiness in future.

boxerluvr8 · #4 (**permalink**) 03-17-2008, 07:54 PM

Janine~I am so terribly sorry with all that you've gone through. You were such an inspiration to me during my pg with Brooke and I am forever grateful!!
This just stinks...............

exrunner · #5 (**permalink**) 03-17-2008, 07:56 PM

I know you don’t know me. I read more than post, but I wanted to tell you how sorry I am for your hurt. I found these boards a few years ago when we were first considering IVF, and I remember identifying with your story. You were pregnant with Jack Thomas at the time, and I want you to know that you were a source of hope for me when we made the decision to proceed. I have followed your posts ever since and want to wish you all the best in future. I hope you are able heal and find happiness.

lolabug21 · #6 (**permalink**) 03-17-2008, 07:57 PM

You are an incredible woman. Jack is lucky to have a such a strong woman as a mother.

jenn1976 · #7 (**permalink**) 03-17-2008, 08:01 PM

((((hugs))))
There's really nothing else to say.
I hope you can find peace for you and family and be the best mommy and wife you can be.

cleshe · #8 (**permalink**) 03-17-2008, 08:01 PM

I wish I had something uplifting to say. I wish I could do something to make it all better. I dont know you but I know who you are. You are a little part of every one of us here. Know that we all cherish that little part and hurt when it hurts.