It's Negative

m rohn · #1 (**permalink**) 07-16-2008, 04:12 PM

I took a pregnancy test yesterday to prepare myself, and it shouted out to me "NOT PREGNANT!!" Well, maybe without the exclamation points. Anyways, I wasn't surprised when I saw it (I have seen it thousands of times on my seven year journey). I haven't even cried yet, I just feel numb.

So this morning I took the blood test to confirm that it was negative. This was our last cycle. We didn't have any to freeze, and we can't afford to try another cycle. Anyways, it's so hard on my body emotionally, and physically.

At this point I need to figure out what to do next. I've looked into adoption before. I'm not exactly sure if I want to go that route, but the alternative is to live "childfree." I read that in a book, which sounds better than "childless". Although technically, that is what I would be.

I can't seem to get dh to talk about how he feels. I guess we just need time to digest the fact that possibly, we won't have biological children. How do you grieve something that you've never had? I'm so tired of being in "limbo." I just want to be able to move on with my life, and for that I need closure. But, when I still get my period every month, I'm reminded that anything is possible. Although, since I am getting older, my eggs are not as good as they used to be.

It just sucks that some women take their fertility for granted. When some of us spend thousands upon thousands of dollars trying to achieve that dream (and some never succeed). The last time my fresh cycle was unsuccessful, it took me two years to get "over it." That's when I started therapy. I guess I'll have to have even more therapy sessions, and keep taking my antidepressants.

Thank-you all so much for your support. You ladies are truly awesome!! I wish those of you who are cycling the best of luck!!