I'm selfish?

countrygirl · #1 (**permalink**) 06-22-2008, 08:36 AM

I feel really selfish and depressed. I had a girls weekend planned with my very best friends. My daughter and I went to Columbus while dh and my son were "bachelors." We stayed at my best friend's house and my other best friend came and had dinner with us. Both girls are single - one is a divorced mom of an 8 yr old and the other has never been married.

I shared my upcoming IVF and they really laid into me and gave me many reasons not to have another baby. Ellie was asleep and we were waxing philisophical, and drinking wine, so maybe they were too relaxed or something, but I felt bombarded. When I got pregnant, I turned down big opportunity to become a Senior VP at my old company and they threw that back in my face, plus a bunch of other stuff about my body and the fact that I can never be happy.

These girls have been my rocks thru thick and thin and I have been thru their problems as well, so I know they want the best for me.

I know I'm selfish for wanting another baby when I have twins. Is it wrong to want another one?

reneerenee · #2 (**permalink**) 06-22-2008, 09:03 AM

In my opinion, no one, not best friends even, has the right to tell you if you should have more kids or not. Are these girls looking out for you or themselves? It is not selfish to want another baby, even if you have twins. So what that you turned down a big job? If you want to put family first that is your choice.
Now if they know that you really aren't doing this for yourself or if there is more to the story than we know, that could change things.
But in my opinion, if it is just a case of them telling you you should be satisfied with twins, well, then, I think they are just plain wrong.

countrygirl · #3 (**permalink**) 06-22-2008, 09:12 AM

Well, the back story is this...

My old company was acquired by a larger company right after I found out I was pregnant with the twins. I was the vp of corporate communications and my friends were the vp of marketing and a marketing manager. The new company moved our headquarters to Columbus and gave me the opportunity to be the senior vp of corporate communications. But obviously I would have to move 150 miles away to Columbus. They offered my friends the same opportunity, which they took. I did not. I make more money than my dh, but we have family here and I was freaking pregnant! Of coure I wasn't going to move. I think I was the "glue" holding their friendship together, because I was sensing some tension when I was there and have for months now.

My dh thinks that they are just unhappy and miss me. Dh and I really want another baby. We have so much love in our hearts for our kids and want to expand our family. I have never regretted my decision not to move up. I have a great new job with more flexibility and I am just a regular worker with no responsibilities and I love it!

Sorry for the book...

ainara · #4 (**permalink**) 06-22-2008, 09:26 AM

Originally Posted by reneerenee

In my opinion, no one, not best friends even, has the right to tell you if you should have more kids or not. Are these girls looking out for you or themselves? It is not selfish to want another baby, even if you have twins. So what that you turned down a big job? If you want to put family first that is your choice.
Now if they know that you really aren't doing this for yourself or if there is more to the story than we know, that could change things.
But in my opinion, if it is just a case of them telling you you should be satisfied with twins, well, then, I think they are just plain wrong.

Staciewi · #5 (**permalink**) 06-22-2008, 09:28 AM

pffft.....

Have 5 more if you want to , the choice is yours not theirs. If you want more kids, then by all means do so. Sounds like they are the selfish ones.

ainara · #6 (**permalink**) 06-22-2008, 09:35 AM

You know it never fails to amaze me how people think that is their God given right to give advice about other people's fertility, pregnancy, or lack of it. My family is the same freaking way, it drives me freaking crazy...........My father says "well I don't understand why you are spending so much money on IVF if you already have a child" and my mother is like"I don't understand why it makes you so depressed that you cannot get pregnant if the one with problems is your husband" I mean

? Did somebody ask you?

CherylR · #7 (**permalink**) 06-22-2008, 10:19 AM

Wow!
I cannot explain why people find it necessary to douse someone else's dreams. Friends should always be supportive, no matter what.
You are in no way selfish for wanting another child, you are very much the opposite. They obviously have no idea all the things we go through to make our baby dreams come true, both physically and emotionally. A selfish person would never be able to make the sacrifices it takes to go through an IVF cycle.
When people "frowned" apon me trying to have another baby, saying are you sure you want to do this? Your other 2 kids are so much older - you really want to start over? (There is a 10 year difference between my son & Emily) I just tuned them all out because I knew that having another child was what I was meant to do. I have never regreted my decision, in fact if I had the money I would do it all again in a heartbeat!

mroth24 · #8 (**permalink**) 06-22-2008, 12:11 PM

I am sorry the people you care about made you feel that way. I believe at the end of the day, the only person you have to answer to is you. If you and your DH know in your hearts this is what you want then nobody will change that. it is however dissapointing when friends let their un needed opinions slip out. i say let some of your opinions slip a little too.