I'm just sick about this!

tanya1231 · #1 (**permalink**) 06-15-2008, 08:23 AM

Okay, we are planning to do a donor embryo cycle at the end of the summer. We had found a "match" who we have been working with and I was sure that everything was a go. Then...yesterday the gal says that she wants updates with pictures at least every six months. What??? I was crushed, we already said we would provide info so that her children and the unborn child my contact each other in the future if they so desire and I said I would let her know about the birth and developmental updates at our discretion. Twice a year every year feels more like we would be sharing a child. I want this baby to know that we wanted them very much and that we are the one that love them as our child. I would have to say your biological parents have watched you grow up and have pictures of you with updates twice a year. Is this weird? Am I being a jerk? Is this selfish of me? Help, I am just sick about this.

ainara · #2 (**permalink**) 06-15-2008, 08:37 AM

You are NOT being selfish, I have no idea what that woman is thinking, what the heck!!!! Mothers who give their children up for adoption, mind you I'm talking about the ones who get pregnant and give birth, do not have any rights when the parental rights are terminated, and when it comes to embryos as far as I know they are considered "property' no kids under the law. That is just UNFAIR, I am so sorry this is happening...

Staciewi · #3 (**permalink**) 06-15-2008, 11:56 AM

I am sorry.

I would come back and say, I will send out pictures when I send them to family and friends,

actually I wouldnt care its just another email to add to your address book.

But I would tell her that contacting you is OUT OF THE QUESTION!!!

Do you have a contract with her, does it state this anywhere? If not then whats she going to do if you dont...send the embryo donation police after you.

I know its a great gift, but that is the point of donating embryos. If she cant let them go then she shouldnt be donating them.

mildlydelirious · #4 (**permalink**) 06-15-2008, 12:22 PM

Well, having been through the DE and also adoption thing I might have a little different perspective? I say that bi-yearly updates is very little to ask. In fact in comparison to what you are getting, the cost of a picture twice a year is less than minimal.

In most adoption cases now the bmom can ask for and gets exactly how much contact she needs/wants. In most cases their interest wains after a bit of time, but still in the world of morals and ethics, they have the right. In the world of law, the adoptive parents do not have to comply once the adoption is final. It would be the same for you. But, would you really want to do that? It's not like they are asking for visitation every other weekend and 2 weeks in the summer. YOU are the parents, they just want to see how the embab(ies) they love are doing.

I am not saying the whole thought of this is not scary. I know the fear. And it is understandable. You are new to this whole world of non-DNA carrying children. It is all pretty new and frightening in the beginning.

Once you have that baby and you realize how much she is yours, then the fear lessens. Then the reality that she is only YOUR baby. And then you can't WAIT to share her with everyone you know and that becomes your modus operandi, instead of fear.

In my case, my egg donor was anonymous. And it makes me sad. I have wished, many, many times I could share with her donor how beautiful her egg has become. How she's bright and wonderful and the love of our lives. I wish so much I could share with her just how much her gift has and does mean to us. I would love to see her and compare how Avery looks to how she looks I often wonder if Avery has her DNA mother's eye color or does she have her hands, etc. We will never know and we were not given the gift to be able to share our miracle with the people that would appreciate it as much as us.

Be happy you have people that want to be able to love from afar. It means your baby will have the fantastic genes of caring, wonderful, giving people. How could that be wrong?

Feel free to disagree with me. Feel free to PM me and chat about all of this. It's a big thing, this. You are a pioneer. And sometimes you feel like you are in this alone, but you not. I am here. And there are other people I really admire here that have gone the route you are choosing to go. Feel free to pick our brains. I think we'd all love to be able to give back some of the joy we've been given through the world of donor eggs, donor sperm and donor embryos.

Hang in. This won't be the last time you panic about something.

But whether your child is 100% your child is not one you have to actually worry about. Trust me on this.

~m

One more thing... you can never have too many people that love your child.

tanya1231 · #5 (**permalink**) 06-15-2008, 02:27 PM

I am scared and I DO feel all alone!
I would never agree to something and then not follow through on it. Whatever the agreement is...I WILL comply with it.
I cannot help wonder how the child would feel in knowing that. How I would feel finding out something like that. I don't know...I am so confused right now. This is so hard, it makes me wonder if I am even doing the right thing. I was so sure until now.
Maybe I am a selfish and terrible person but I do not want to share a child. I want to be this childs mother. I am completely overstimulated today and my mind is racing. I know that I will love this child exactly the same as if it were from my DNA but it is weird to me to share the entire experience with another couple.

KimT · #6 (**permalink**) 06-15-2008, 03:05 PM

Hi Tanya.

I can weigh in on this too . . . My children were conceived through an anonymous egg donor (although she indicated that she would be willing to meet the kids in the future if they so desire). They are ALL MINE but since we intend to be honest with them about their origins, I know that they may one day have some curiosity about their donor. I know I am their mom but it's a little scary that they might feel a connection to this other person. Ultimately though, I just want my kids to feel happy and fulfilled so if they need to know more about that connection, it will be okay with me. It's the price I am willing to pay for the joy of having been able to carry them and be their REAL mom.

We had left over embies that we are donating through Miracleswaiting. We too requested ongoing contact with the recipients and stipulated to such in our contract with them (although we made sure we were all comfortable with the nature of the contact before moving forward). One reason for this is that we feel it is important for the sharing of medical information but another reason is that we want our kids to have the opportunity to know that they have biological siblings out there. Also, when you are responsible for creating embryos, there is a sense of responsibiity that comes with giving them away -- I know I felt a need to assure they were going to a good home. If our recipients have kids through our donated embryos (and I REALLY hope they do), then they will be ALL THEIRS just the way my kids are ALL MINE. I'm sure your donor just wants some reassurance that the kids that (hopefully) arise from the donation have a happy, healthy home in which to grow up. Like Marian said, I imagine that these needs will diminish over time.

Admittedly, there is also a selfish aspect to donating -- at least for me. I guess I want to be able to share in the joy a little if our recipients get PG. I had such a long, heartbreaking TTC journey that it brings me a huge sense of potential happiness to hopefully be able to help another IF couple realize their dream of having a baby. I imagine this is a bit like the feeling a surrogate must have when she's able to carry a baby for another couple.

I know I have seen some ads that would scare me too if I were in your position. I think the bottom line is that both you and the donor need to feel 100% comfortable with the terms of the arrangement going in and before any kids come into the picture. If you don't feel comfortable, hard as it may be, you should look for a more compatible match. I hope you are able to work through this and realize your ultimate goal of having a baby.

Don't know if this helped but I hope it helps give you some insight as to what your donor might think/feel.

Kim

Staciewi · #7 (**permalink**) 06-15-2008, 03:11 PM

Well now looking at it through Marian and Kims view...I would have to totally agree.

When you arent on that side of the fence, I am guessing we just dont get it.

That child WILL be yours, and I also agree, its not like they are going to go and visit every other weekend. Just a couple of pictures

I know how hard it must be and I also see your side too...but I guess when you are looking at the final result, that is all that matters in the end.

ainara · #8 (**permalink**) 06-15-2008, 04:19 PM

Sheshhhh guys... when you put it like that it sure makes a lot of sense....