The internet has always been my paradise, when I wanted to know something I just "googled" it. When I had a question, or wanted support for something, wanted to keep in touch with people, (because lord knows I dont know how to mail ANYTHING- chrismas gifts still waiting to be mailed in my studio at easter tell that story).
But over the last 36 hours I have decided that the internet is my enemy. I have spent these last 36 hours looking up everything on low BETAs and it is pi$$ing me off. I keep getting told what I dont want to hear, finding all the statistics that dont fall in my favor and just deppressing myself. I dont mean to be on a pity party, but I am having a really hard time with this.
I just dont get it. I am angry, sad and frustrated all at the same time. Everything I have read tells me this isnt a viable pregnancy, that it will end up as a chemical. But still I have to get giant needles shoved in my a$$ like it is. My Dh keeps telling me that I am pregnant and that everything is going to be fine. I am so sick and tired of hearing that everything is going to be just fine and I worry to much. But the great wide world of webs doesnt lie....do they?? I am just confused and dont know where to go from here. DH and my best friend threaten to take all my internet acsess away. (just let them pry my laptop from my cold dead hands)
BETA of 15. Perfect. Even better? The hpt that I took last night that was as light as my very first one, not even close to as dark as the one yesterday. Or the cherry of it all? The negative HPT that I took this morning.
Where does one go from here? I live in colorado, so there is no payment plan, no insurance. Our insurance didnt cover anything but 1,200$ of the lapro. Out of 14,000.
Our insurance didnt even cover meds. Its so hard. It doesnt kill us finacialy, but it doesnt help either.

If anyone reads this thanks for listening to me vent. I guess I just really needed to, to someone who knew a little of how I felt.

Good luck to everyone who has BETAS soon, sending baby dust in the masses to everyone who is TTC.

I am so sorry you are feeling so angry and frustrated. thee worst thing is the wait, the wait to conseive, the wait for that second line on the test, wait for tests, wait to ultrosounds and so on. Perhaps the test was old and did not show up correctly? maybe on monday things would be different. some times all we can do is wait and hope. please do not loose hope. it's ok to vent, it's ok to feel angry, sad, confused and the flud of other emotions you are feeling rightnow but always hold on to HOPE. as you look around and get to know the ladies here, you will see that it takes allot of hope and patience. i wish you best of lock and hope for BFP for you soon.
Marina

Sometimes too much information is a bad thing. I say take a breather from the internet and just let it go for the weekend, if you can. The negativity and frustration is not conducive to your situation right now! Believe me, I understand your frustration, anger, and all the emotions of not knowing the outcome or coming to terms with the undesired outcome (you still don't know for sure, do you?). I have experienced miscarriage after miscarriage before finally conceiving (naturally) my DD who just turned 3 this week... no explanation, it just didn't happen for me. Could be age, could be other things, but no real diagnosis.

It's good to be educated about the process and the different methods, but not good to obsess to the point of it making you angry. I think you are stronger than you realize. All of us on the IF roller coaster are made of tough stuff to endure what we do to TTC that precious little bundle of joy! The process, unfortunately sucks, big time.

I know it doesn't help when people tell you that "everything's going to be fine" because right now you aren't fine. You are angry! You are frustrated! Unless you've personally experienced it, its hard to imagine what someone is feeling at this point. My GF went through several IUI cycles, nothing. She got pg her first IVF cycle, saw a heartbeat, and by the follow u/s (two wks later), there was no heartbeat. She was just devastated. Depressed. I just had lunch with her today, and she's doing much better. Even ready to start another cycle, probably in April! Everyone heals at a different pace. And it truly is a healing process we go through each unsuccessful attempt or cycle.

Hang in there, and remember you are not alone. One or many of us have experienced the same emotions you are feeling right now, and hopefully something one of us will say to you in response will help in some little (or big) way. Keep posting, keep venting, and hopefully that elusive BFP will be yours real soon!!

to you sweetie. Keep the faith. We're here when you need us

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You guys made me cry, thank you.

I hope that cry is in a good way

It was, its just nice to hear someone say they understand rather than "it/you are going to be okay". I have another BETA in the morning. One "planned" for monday too. We have been ttc for 2 years and I have had nothing but problems my whole life. I wish we could hope for the unexpected BFP but my last tube was removed in Nov. so thats not going to happen. I had my very first laproscopy when I was 14 because I had severe endomitriosis. It has been such a long long road. We dont have the option to adopt because of the laws and some dumb sh!t I did when I was 18 and got in trouble for. I would even foster but that same law keeps us from that too. I just want to hear the laughter of children in my home someday.

Sorry for the secong rant. I guess its just nice to talk to someone who understands at least a little.

Honey I am very sorry. The internet has also been a haven of resources, but! the devil for me.
As Lynn said sometimes knowing too much isn't good either. As for the low beta we had a few low betas that picked up and skyrocketted. (Kristik&J) is now 20 weeks plus so that is just one example. I know there are others, but it is 5am and I couldnt sleep... brain isn't working..lol No one will ever understand you or how you feel unless they been through it. I used to want to ring DH's neck and he is an awsome person and very supportive and loving, but he just didn't get it. No matter what this outcome is just believe it will happen and you will get your dream. Just this time last year I was TTC and I did. Prior I lost 2 babies doing IVF and one during the pregnancy that gave me our son. I went on to have the most eventful pregnancy (placenta previa, gestational diabetes,multiple bleeds) I then went to deliver my son and suffered a psot partum hemmorage which required 12 blood transfusions-I never stopped believing, & you shouldn't either. Here is to many multiplying vibes and a very sticky bean!

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Oh, honey, I have been there. I had numbers that didn't go up quite right, but on the edge of okay, and then dropped, and then went back up again and we even saw a heartbeat, but eventually it all ended in more tears. More and more tears. The fact that it was long, drawn-out process made it even harder. I was on the internet looking for hope, and found little, but it is something to hold onto anyway. Unfotunately it didn't help in the end. It seems that sometimes the tears never stop.
I don't know that anything I have to say is helpful, but I just wanted you to know that you are not alone, and crying, screaming, and venting is totally normal. This is one of, if not THE, toughest things to ever experience. Others may not undertand, but do not let them make you feel that your feelings are not valid. People may say really stupid things, too, all meant to make you feel better. Truth is, nothing will but time, and you just have to try to remember that they love you and worry about you, but they just don't get it.
But, you will heal in your own time, and I am praying that you get that miracle. They do happen... really. Really, really. Good luck.

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Carrie, 34 DH, 42
Fuzzy babies: Puck, Pixie, & Perkins, Blackbeard(RIP), Easter (bunny, RIP)

Dx Hashimoto's hypothroidism, APA+,
lupus anticoagulant+, stage III/IV endometriosis
m/c 10/04 and 3/07