How to stay positive

Lilak Tygress · #1 (**permalink**) 04-01-2008, 11:48 AM

THis is my first IVF attempt and already we've hit a brick wall.

I was supposed to be implanted on Sunday the 16th of March. So we did the egg retrieval on Thursday before that. They got 20 eggs out of my right ovary but didn’t go near my left because I have a resevoir on my bladder that was put there during one of my 7 childhood surgeries. So the left one remained with 20 some eggs in it. It swelled up to about three times the normal size and blocked my only functioning ureter. The right ureter was connected to left during one of those surgeries also, so I only have the left one going to me bladder. Anywway, the golf ball sized ovary completely blocked the only ureter and I was admitted to the hospital Friday with the diagnosis of "renal failure". My kidneys completely shut down on me. I had to have 2 nephrostomy tubes placed in my back to drain my kidneys. The gynocologist says the ovary will return to normal in 6-8 weeks so I have these stupid tubes in until then.

They didn’t implant the eggs. They would have implanted 3 on Sunday, but I was still to sick in the hospital. They ended up being able to freeze 2 embryo’s. That’s all we’ll ever get. I don't know if I could do this again.

I'm having a real hard time staying positive right now. I don't think I'm as strong as the rest of you. I know I'm still young, I have lots of options out there. This isn't the end. Its just so hard to be told it may not happen. I feel like a failure as a woman. I'm not happy and I don't know how to fix it. I sit at home alone and do nothing but cry and feel sorry for myself. I hate feeling this way.

So how I do I feel better? How do I stay positive. I hope someone has some advice for me. I can't give up but I feel completely helpless.

Thanks for listening.

~Lacy

marie456 · #2 (**permalink**) 04-01-2008, 12:05 PM

lacy
i am sorry you have had to go through so much! but there IS HOPE. for one, ONLY MY FET's have worked (frozen embryos transferred) and if you need to, there is the donor egg option which i went to. you don't have to stim, only have the embryos implanted. there are many options. but first, you need to take care of yourself and prepare the best you can to implant those 2 embies. that first try could work you know

and all this worrying is for nothing. and i never thought i was strong and here i am on IVF #8. let me tell you, you find the strength and the girls on here are wonderful encouragers and will listen when you need to vent or have ?'s. do stick around.

to our crazy world

mildlydelirious · #3 (**permalink**) 04-01-2008, 01:46 PM

Hi Lacy!

Hang on, hang on, hang on. That's what you gotta do. I am sorry you had such a disaster after your retrieval! Ack! But I am very glad to hear that you are doing better now.

My FET is the only one that worked for me as well. You have two little embabies just waiting there for you when your body and heart is ready. That is fantastic!

I think you will hear from plenty of ladies here that have had FETs and had much success.

I, like Rachelle, also used DEs to become successful. And I gotta tell you, I have one very gorgeous, bright, beautiful little four-year-old now. I would not trade her for anything in this world. Many of us have hit that brick wall, and I know it hurts like he**. But, like I started this response, hang on! Perseverance is the key to success in this IF world.

And it's really okay to mourn your losses. Let yourself know it's okay to be sad that your ideal world of conception did not come true. That's a really sad and hard thing.

We are here to remind you that you can and will overcome. Keep an open mind and keep moving.

~m

Denise F · #4 (**permalink**) 04-01-2008, 02:39 PM

Lacy,

My name is Denise, I want to say that I too am very sorry for your sudden illness. However I want you to know that you must, you can , and you will hang in there. You know why ? You will because you are a woman made by God , and sweetie God don't make no weak junk. Trust me when I say I know how hard it is. I just went through IVF , I had 2 eggs trans. , and both took, only to have a drunk driver hit me and cause me to lose them both. Now you talk about pis**d off. This just happened a few weeks ago, and I had my consult on monday to have 2 FET starting in april. The race is not given to to the swift nor to the strong , but to the one that endureth until the end. You my dear can make it. You now have sisters who know this type of pain, and are not only willing to help , but we are wiiling to share and encourage you. So while your @ home your not alone. There are so many of us who are looged on all day checking the post. So no matter the hr. someone is always here to listen to you. If that does not help, may I offer God to you. He has never let me down and he is my source of strength in the time of weaknes and sorrow, Call on him and he will give you strength and power to run this race. They wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings of an eagle. Trust God sweetie he knows the planes he has for you, even when you don't. I could go on all day " lean not upon your own understanding , but in all thy ways acknowledge him , and he will direct your path.

Also I'm famillar with the tubes you have in now, and I know that you must be a liitle uncomfortable. but just hold on for a little while longer and this to shall pass. Be encouraged and know that you are LOVE. First you have to believe in your self and the rest will follow.

Your sister and new friend,

Denise

Nicky7 · #5 (**permalink**) 04-01-2008, 02:41 PM

Hi Lacy,

I'm so sorry to hear about your awful IVF experience. So many of us can relate to the pain and frustration you're feeling, but on top of that you had such a scary medical issue... thank God you are ok.

Going through IVF changed me in ways that I still don't even fully understand. But through it all, hope is what gets you through. During the tough times - m/cs, failed IVFs - I used to just keep telling myself that DH and I would be parents. Some way, we'd be parents. It wasn't going to happen the way we always thought it would, and it wasn't going to happen on our time frame, but it would happen eventually. You said that you don't think you're strong like us, but I can tell from your post that you have an incredible inner strength that has gotten you through a lot of tough stuff in your life.

Like Rachelle and Marian, my successful cycle was a DE FET. The great news is that there are a lot of options out there for women like us. The bad news is that you have to endure a lot of &^%$ on your way to becoming a mommy.

Marian says it best -- hang in there.

ainara · #6 (**permalink**) 04-01-2008, 02:47 PM

Lacy I am so very sorry, your story is heartbreaking and, like so many here, unfortunally not unique, we seem to get the shorter end of the stick more often, but maybe is because we are stronger than so many other women out there. I know that you will pull through, it takes time but it will happen, of course the need to mourn is there and it needs to happen, be close to our love ones, rest alot, and if after a few weeks you still feel like this look for profesional help, I'm not talking medication necesarily sometimes just talking to somebdy helps a lot, and when you are ready remember that you have two precious emnies waiting for you. So cheer up my friend I promise you it will get better. Thil then we are here to carry you all the way.

SpoiledHouseWife · #7 (**permalink**) 04-01-2008, 05:02 PM

I am so sorry you are going through this all. The whole IVF process can be a draining thing. Just last year this time I was preparing to start stimmimg. I remember it l ike yesterday... It is amazing how your life can change so drastically in one year. I learned through this whole IVF process and this very eventful pregnancy I endured, along with a psot partum hemmorage that required 12 blood transfusions-nothing good ever comes out of anything easy. Well that always fell true for me. Good luck and hold onto Hope & faith!

aquarianangel · #8 (**permalink**) 04-01-2008, 05:48 PM

Wow, that was rough! I am so sorry you had to go through that horrible experience!

And you are NOT a failure in any sense! I know it is hard to remember that when you are feeling so low! I know and feel that way too often as well! But we have to remember that we fail only if we have control over something and we give up! We have no control over this aspect of our life! So we are not failures in any sense of the word!

I am also sorry that your transfer was cancelled! But take heart in knowing that FETs are supposed to be very successful! Goodluck to you!