Hey vets - need a shoulder today

Nicky7 · #1 (**permalink**) 04-02-2008, 02:24 PM

**Warning: M/C, pregnancy, multiples, and preemies ment**

Hey ladies,

I'm usually hanging around here giving my

, but today I could really use a shoulder. Most of you know my story -- after 2 m/c and a few IVFs, we were blessed with the birth of our triplets. They were born very premature and spent months in the NICU, but thankfully they are happy, healthy little beans and you would never know the h*ll they went through in those early days.

Anyways, I had my annual exam with my regular gyn today. I hadn't seen her for a while, since I've been going to an RE/high risk OB for the past few years. I gave her the download on my pregnancy -- placenta abruption, full bedrest, severe pre-eclampsia, and IUGR (growth restriction in utero) for 2 of my 3. Basically, I was there asking her to tell me that it would be a very, very bad idea to try to get pregnant again.

For the record, I know how lucky I am, I love my 3 with all my

, and I thank God every day for the blessings I've been given. It is truly a miracle that I could even get pregnant, let alone have those 3 beautiful blessings in the room downstairs.

But somewhere deep down inside, I feel sad. I'm sad for not having that perfect pregnancy that I envisioned. I'm sad that I spent most of mine on the couch instead of at parenting class and lamaze. I'm sad that I missed those sweet early days of mommy/baby bonding with a newborn, since my 3 were on ventilators and IVs and had blood transfusions and surgeries instead of cuddles and breast feeding. I'm sad that I never held a baby the day it was born. I'm sad that I couldn't experience giving all my love and attention to 1 baby instead of splitting it amongst 3 (and feeling bad for not being there 24/7 for each of them). And most of all, I'm sad knowing that I will never, ever be pregnant again. I feel like I'm in mourning, which is so crazy that I don't even understand it.

I've been

all day. I got the closure I needed today -- my gyn basically told me that I'd be nuts, borderline irresponsible to get pg again -- and now I just need a vet to tell me that they've felt the same way somewhere along the way. Thanks for letting me get that out.

Staciewi · #2 (**permalink**) 04-02-2008, 02:33 PM

Oh Nicky!! I am sorry that you didnt get the picture perfect pregnancy!! I TOTALLY understand your sadness. Even though I had singleton pregnancies, I still feel ROBBED!! Robbed of not being able to see that BFP surprise pee stick. Or just wingin' TTC, ya know not worrying about charting, when am I ovulating?ETC>....

Is this something that you think with TIME you will be able to be ok with? IF not I wouldnt totally give up on the dream of maybe having one more. Who knows maybe in a year, you will want to try one more time...and maybe only transfer one at a time.

I am glad you shared this with us, because I think alot of us feel this way, one way or another.

Justine · #3 (**permalink**) 04-02-2008, 03:36 PM

I'm glad you posted and was able to express what your feeling. Although I am new - I'm not new to
infertility and IVF -- this whole process for me started in 1997 with a sa that read 0! I thought I would never be a Mom - we moved to adoption but here I am -- my point is never say never -- you just don't know what is in store for you. I never dreamed that I'd be getting ready to cycle.

It's ok to feel the way you do - try to cherish the postive things - the smiles - moving inside you (this is what I can not wait for) hearing the heartbeats and all those beautiful things that are to come for you. 24/7 is a myth it just doesn't exist -- it's quality time - time that is shared just between you and whomever! That is what will be remembered! My DSD who will be 21 shortly -she talks about her "special" memories and I really have to think about some of them - but it was quality time.

Let your feelings out -- we are here! and it's quite ok to feel cheated and that life is cruel sometimes. and no one willl ever think that you are not forever greatful for your three beautiful babies! Please take care!

Nicky7 · #4 (**permalink**) 04-02-2008, 03:50 PM

Justine - thanks for your reply

Stacie - I think in time I'll be ok with this. I have to be ok with this. I felt similarly after we realized DE was our best chance of getting pg. I eventually moved on and am now 100% comfy with how our babies came to be. Unfortunately, I do know that pg is not in the cards for me again. I've already found an amazing family to donate our remaining embies to, since I want them to have a shot at life, and they definitely would not do well in my body. (long story short, I'm Rh -, they're Rh +, and I have a whole bunch of rare antibodies that would attack them in utero, and the Rhogam shot wouldn't stop it. They'd very likely have anemia and require transfusions while in the womb and once they're born.) Even if DH and I conceived a chromosomally normal miracle baby with Rh- blood type, it's very possible that I'd develop pre-eclampsia and the baby would be born even earlier than my guys were. It just ain't happenin. But like I said, I think time will help on this one. I'm counting on it.

I think I'm just having a bad day.

heathablue · #5 (**permalink**) 04-02-2008, 04:23 PM

Sending you lots of hugs!!! It must be so hard to hear or be told not to get pregnant again. And I know your last pregnancy was not they way you wanted it to go. You need to just look into your babies eyes and focus on the future with them and the wonderful times you will have together. They are so lucky to have a mother like you.

psycojenni · #6 (**permalink**) 04-02-2008, 05:11 PM

I am scheduling the meeting w/ the high risk ob this week to see if we can have another. I feel the same way that you do. I hope that we get the approval. Our pg was terrible. I had 2 aburptions, was on bedrest for 16 weeks, spent 8 wks in the hospital becasue the m/s was so bad, ended up in labor at 31 wks, and delievered after 8 days in the hospital by emergency c-section.

I wanted the perfect pg or at least somewhat normal. Although zach was not as early he was born at 34 wks and spent 2 wks in the nicu. I don't even remember the birth at all and wasn't allowed to see him for my health until 24 after birth. He never did latch so we didn't get to bf. He has had nothing but health problems since birth.

While I to feel very blessed to have him, I want to be able to experience a normal pg and have a normal child. Not that I would love that child anymore....but it would be nice to enjoy it more.

psycojenni · #7 (**permalink**) 04-02-2008, 05:14 PM

This some how go deleted off the first paragraph...

I do have to say that there are times that I wonder if I am insane for wanting another one and to be pg again. What if it is worse next time. I have the gut feeling that they are going to tell me that it is to much of a risk. I was told by the high risk ob not to even consider getting pg again until I consulted with them.

finallyamommy · #8 (**permalink**) 04-02-2008, 05:44 PM

Oh Nicky. I'm so glad that this board is here for you to put your thoughts down to and feel comfortable doing it. I don't have any words of wisdom, but understand that tugging at your heart that you are feeling right now.

I sometimes regret that I didn't start a family sooner, but I was in a very unhealthy marriage, and after 7+ years finally divorced an active alcoholic. I couldn't imagine getting pregnant in that marriage, and I didn't. I like to say that I regained my virginity the last several years of it, LOL.

But, because of that, I know I severely limited my ability to have the 3-4 kids I always wanted to have. I experienced two years of unexplained RPL, and even though my current DH has shown signs of MF (morphology & count), I'm now thinking it's an age factor thing. My DD who just turned 3 a couple weeks ago was my 5th pregnancy, but the only one that made it past 10 wks (2 others were blighted ovums and 2 were chemical pregnancies lost around 5 wks). I gave birth a couple months before my 41st birthday. I'll be 44 in May, and am hoping that this round of IVF will result in a pregnancy. And if it doesn't, I'm not sure how I'll feel... cheated? Defeated? Not sure...

In a lot of ways, I am sad that I am not living what I had imagined for myself at this stage in my life, but then again, like you, I truly am thankful for what I do have. It's hard to put that into words, isn't it? I guess what I'm trying to say (and not doing it very well) is that although all our experiences are different, we're somehow all in the same boat, and you really are NOT alone. All I have to offer is a

and an ear to lend... hope that's helpful in itself.

bighurt111 · #9 (**permalink**) 04-02-2008, 06:25 PM

First, HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS. I could be wrong but I don't think anyone truly has a perfect pregnancy. My first was pleasant; a little reflux and she wouldn't stop hiccuping in there the whole 3rd trimester! Drove me nuts! She was breech so I never experienced a vaginal labor and never will but its okay...have it all scheduled so we could prepare was a very nice alternative. I hope you are feeling better this evening. I'm sorry you are feeling this way but I completely understand as I thought I would only have 1 child and it broke my heart through all our failed cycles in 2006 and 2007. Its not an easy path; I hate you had to take the one you are one; but its YOUR path and there is a reason you were picked to take it. It might not be apparent right now but it will be crystal clear one day. I am a big lurker these days but I am here if you need me.

Good Luck sweetie!

Alynn · #10 (**permalink**) 04-02-2008, 06:50 PM

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so sad right now. I wish I had some advise that would help....I don't. Infertility in itself is tough enough....but then adding everything you and the babies went through on top of that just isn't something anyone could handle with ease. Just try to stay strong and focus on those beautiful little lives. Maybe time will be the key to healing...

Cantwaittobemom · #11 (**permalink**) 04-02-2008, 07:54 PM

I am so sorry you fee the way you do. It is hard taking care of one baby, it is 3 times the work to take care of 3 and you must be exhausted. Being exhausted contributes to feelings of sadness. I really hope it is not the case for you but if you are feeling depressed, get some help and get it fast because the more it continues the harder it is to snap out of. You might think that it is too late for PPD, but it could be that before that you could not even have time to feel sad. I had a really bad PPD after Enessa (born 4/12/07) and I still have some reminisce of it. I too did not have a perfect pregnancy. Between MS, placenta previa which later became just low laying placenta, to not being able to sleep for more then 3, 4 hours a night, on a couch because I could not get comfortable, to RLS and gaining tons of weight, constant heartburn and other small things. And now not being able to get PG. I am sure my story is much different from yours but I remember being so tired that all I could do is cry. Things that help though is sleep proper nourishment and having time to your self even if it is just to take a shower in the middle of the day. As far as grieving, it hurts allot, some times more then any physical pain that can be inflicted on you, but it does get better. I know you don’t have much spare time right now, but when you do, maybe you can volunteer at a local hospital as a coddler? Maybe getting some dula classes to help women through child birth? Right now you might think that this is the worst thing you could possibly do but if you remember about it later, and give it a try this might prove to be really fulfilling for you. Hang in there, try to get some help for you and help with the babies. Hugs
Marina

KristiJ&K · #12 (**permalink**) 04-02-2008, 08:38 PM

{{{{Nicky}}}}
I can totally relate to how you feel. I went through a period like that about having a C-section! Why did I guilt myself like that? I dont' know! We all have this perfect picture in our minds about how our birth "should" be. But in reality, our births are exactly the way they should be and is what makes us all unique. At least this is what I have come up with.

I am going to say this (maybe get blasted) I'm not sure I agree with your OB on it being insane or borderline irresponsible for you to get pregnant again. Each pregnancy is different and I think alot of your complications were due to having triplets. Now, I know we all know that mutliples are a risk we take ( I have IVF twins!) but you never know. I wouldn't let that dream die just yet. Wait awhile and see how you feel. Your babies are still young yet

Kristi

mildlydelirious · #13 (**permalink**) 04-02-2008, 09:06 PM

Hey my sweet girl.

I can tell you that I can relate. I felt so robbed with my pregnancy. I was on bedrest from 20 weeks, I needed a cerclage, I got GD, I had too much amnio fluid, just problem after problem after problem, and then finally at 33 weeks I was in PTL. I was there a week trying to hold out before my water broke and I had her at exactly 34wk0d. Not that I wasn't the happiest person in the world to have my baby but I started to hemorrhage after giving birth so I missed all the sweet bonding stuff and she was a preemie so she went straight off to NICU. I didn't get to do a ton of stuff that I'd been waiting all my life to do. I remember being so sad, because in all likely hood she would be the only pregnancy I ever experienced. And as it turned out, she was/is. I felt really robbed of the last six weeks of my only pregnancy. And, I was so sad that I couldn't be at home and time contractions with my DH and be all excited about going in to L&D together, and all the stuff that goes with that.

I guess none of this sounds real positive but what I wanted to say was that I may not have had the perfect pregnancy or perfect L&D but I do have the most wonderful child a person could want. Just like you with your three. You are not alone.

I'm with you. We all grieve girl. We may have different reasons or different occasions, but to come to IVF your have had your share of sadness. Let yourself feel how you feel. It will pass! I promise!

:friend
~m

marie456 · #14 (**permalink**) 04-03-2008, 06:50 AM

oh sweetie, i had tears reading your post. we all have different journeys and each have our own struggles. having a friend w/ triplets and just helping her out for 4 hours the other week, i can only imagine those first few months taking care of them. you have been blessed and yes, you did lose out on some things but you gained so much more. that doesnt' mean you can't mourn those losses though. take time to grieve each of those losses you listed. it's ok and i think very healthy. i will pray you come to a peace.

and i'm glad you have stuck around to give your encouragement to us still on our journeys

bebedoc · #15 (**permalink**) 04-03-2008, 07:32 AM

I think we all can relate in one way or another. For most of us, it's not just the fact of having difficulty getting pregnant but also staying pregnant. We do seem to attract all kinds of issues, don't we?? I think it's absolutely normal to grieve the loss of that "perfect pregnancy". Even with a singleton, I had so many problems that I worried constantly. Like Marian, I had a cerclage, developed pre-eclampsia, GD, uterine prolapse at 21 weeks, put on bedrest, gained 72 POUNDS!!!!, and still delivered a preemie via emergency c-section under a general so neither DH or I were "there" when he was born. Now I know that you would do it all over again, just as I would.....but that doesn't mean we don't long for that wonderfully easy pregnancy in which you glow, have no problems, and deliver a full term infant with bonding and maybe breastfeeding immediately afterwards. Not to mention the supermodel size 2 body as soon as you get out of bed!

BIG HUGS to you, sweetie. We're all here for you and we completely understand where you're coming from.

mk9906 · #16 (**permalink**) 04-03-2008, 08:35 AM

Nicky, I'm not a vet, but your story touched me and I wanted to send you a big

I'm sorry, and although my journey is just beginning and I dont' know what it holds for me I understand how you feel to some degree.

Like Staci I feel cheated that I won't get to POAS at home one morning and surprise DH with the news that we are pregnant. DH feels cheated that our baby will actually be conceived in a doctor's office rather than in private between us.

It's a very hard thing.IVF forces us to make so many sacrifices. I know that you love those babies and are grateful that through IVF you were able to have them, but there is an ugly side to IVF too. Even though the end result is a wonderful thing, I think the whole process breaks our hearts in some tiny way that can never fully be repaired.

I am sorry that you are going through this.

dgoeb · #17 (**permalink**) 04-03-2008, 08:42 AM

O-oh Hon!! BIG CYBER HUGS GOING YOUR WAY!! I understand what you mean about feeling cheated about the perfect pg….is there even a perfect pg?? Just alone having to go thru IVF & not conceiving naturally....S-U-C-K-S....We TTC for 5 years before we did IVF to have the kids. We got PG & then I started bleeding, enough that the RE said we were going to loose one….we couldn’t believe it….why would this happen. My OB would always tell me, now if you can just make it to X weeks. I did make it to 36 exactly before I had them & while they did end up in NICU it was for less than 2 weeks. They came home & often I feel like we're running an assembly line w/ total structure. I don't know what it’s like to be able to give 100% attention to 1 baby (but we’ve been BLESSED w/ more & look they ALWAYS have a best friend)….how you split your time w/ three is amazing. What is it like to have a pg that didn't involve so much drama (although if it was a normal pg I wouldn't have seen them via US as much....I would have missed out on that). I wasn’t able to BF, either. They neither of them latched on, so I pumped for 6 weeks & had enough of it. This time around we are only going to transfer 1 (mentally & financially not sure if we could handle more than that). I'm a firm believer that God only give you as much as you can handle. You may not see it at the time, but there’s a reason to it all. If you would have carried your other pg, then you wouldn't have your three blessings that you have now. I understand the loss your feeling now about your OB telling you it's not a smart decision to TTC again......although we didn't have NEAR the problems you guys did I never thought I would EVER be able to talk DH into having another child via IVF. I'm nervous this time around by just knowing I'm now older (again not old, but older than the last time), 15 pounds heavier, & we're only doing a 1-time shot. I have to believe & accept what happens as being "meant to be". Infertility sucks BIG time, but knowing there are other people out there that are dealing w/ it that I can talk to REALLY helps!! If you ever want to talk, here's my e-mail: dgoeb503@yahoo.com.

(((HUGS)))

countrygirl · #18 (**permalink**) 04-03-2008, 09:08 AM

Oh Nicky

I feel the same way you and the other ladies do. I find myself mourning the loss of pregnancy innocence a lot lately. My twins were preemies born at 32 wks 4 days and I feel the strong need to have another baby.

I'm scared on so many levels...is it going to take 6 years again? Am I ready for twins again? Can I even carry twins again? Can I carry a singletont term? Why didn't I have the perfect pregnancy when getting pregnant was so difficult? Will people (family) look at me like I'm selfish/crazy/whatever if I try to get pregnant again.

I also think from a multiple mamma point of view that sometimes people think that you should WANT to be done building our