This will be long - WARNING! There is just so much to tell.

On Sunday, Sept 19, my mom had called asking if I was coming over to see dad. I was planning on it and I told her that I'd be there early afternoon. She said that dad quit eating. For those of you who don't know, my dad's cancer had returned and was in his lungs and his spine/back bones. I got over there as fast as I could. He'd been in bed since Friday and I asked her if he knew I was there and she said that he had been doing nothing but sleep since Saturday. She went into the bedroom and woke him to tell him I was there. He came out of the bedroom and walked very slowly to his recliner. I gave him a kiss on the cheek and talked to him for a few minutes. He was just so tired, he fell back to sleep. He sounded very raspy and I mentioned to mom that he may have pneumonia and that he should be hospitalized on Monday. I stayed until I couldn't take it anymore. My 57 year old dad sounded just awful and it was hard to listen to it and watch him. I went home. My hubby went to work and I tried to stay busy, I think I was trying to deal with what was inevitable. Dad was dying. I did laundry and weeded the landscaping to keep my mind off of it. Around 7pm, my phone rang. It was my brother in law (sister's husband) who said that an ambulance was at my parent's house and that dad had fallen and wouldn't wake up. He'd been falling all weekend due to his weakened state, but I had a bad feeling. I headed the 40 miles east to the hospital and called my husband and a very good friend of mine and told them that I was heading to the hospital dad was being brought to and that I'd call them when I knew what was happening. I got to the hospital in a half hour and ran to the emergency room. Finally, a nurse asked me why I was there and I noticed that after I said my dad's name, she wouldn't look at me. She led me to the room and my mom was trying to be strong and my dad had passed away. He died at home, in their bedroom. Mom had just given him a sponge bath and put him to bed. She said a prayer asking for him not to suffer. 10 mins later, she was in the great room and heard a thud. Dad was on the floor and there was a lot of blood on the rug. She called 911 and neighbors came from every direction. Their next door neighbors are RNs and they think (there wasn't an autopsy done because he was dying of cancer) that tumor(s) in his lungs ruptured, possibly due to pneumonia, causing the blood. I'm sorry if this is too descriptive....

We've come to grips with our loss and it will take a long time to feel "normal" again. DH and I went to our RE appointment the following day because I knew that dad wouldn't want us to stop trying. He wanted us to keep going after he was diagnosed in July, so we wouldn't want to let him down. My RE said that I do have some of the antibodies which may have terminated the pregnancy and my estrogen was very high which may have thickened my blood too much. I'm on BCPs again and will then start Lupron as well as Hepron (blood thinners for my antibodies and estrogen issues), also Estrogen patches, PIO and all the other good stuff. We'll be doing a transfer of my kidsicles (3 cryo'd blasts) late October or early November. We have a good feeling that we'll get lucky again. We have another angel on our side.

Yesterday (Thursday) my big box 'o meds came:
2 Lupron 14 day kits
25 vials Heparin
many boxes of Crinone
3 boxes of Estrogen patches
Progesterone in Oil
Prometrium
Prednisone

I put a call in to my RE office so that the head RN can give me my exact protocall. I know that I start the Lupron during my dummy week of BCPs, but beyond that, I can't remember the order or the dosage. It all came so fast to me last Monday and that was a very rough week on me. My memory is pretty hazed from everything.

So, I'm ready to begin! After today, I have 12 more days of BCPs (the real ones) before I start! YAY! I'll be a raging hormone in no time!

My RE said that I'll be doing my frozen embie transfter (I have 3 blasts on ice) late October or early November. I'm usually a very quick responder, so I'm thinking that I might be doing this at the end of October. I can't wait! I want my kidsicles thawed and back home! Dad, help us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Erica

__________________

Erica,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad. Not having been through it, I just can't imagine. I know nothing I can say will help ease the pain you're going through. Just know that we're all here and wishing you the best.

I agree you have another angel watching out for you. Some say his death makes room for another life - maybe your little one later this month.

Good luck with your FET cycle. I'll be thinking sticky thoughts for you. Will you be transfering all three?

__________________



Love, Beth
ttc#1 6+ yrs

1 failed Clomid cycle (no IUI)
2 failed Clomid IUIs
1 failed Follistim IUI
IVF #1 failed
Poor response to stims
Elevated fsh
m/c 5/7/00 & 12/11/03
Discussing Donor Egg and Adoption

Recurrent m/c testing results positive for prothombin gene A - heparin/lovenox shots when I get pg. Chewing on baby aspirin in the meantime.

Hi, Beth! Thanks for the thoughts.... I only have three blasts that were frozen and they'll transfer any of them that make the thaw. I'd hope for three, but I'd be happy with two, but it only takes one.....

Erica

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Erica:

OMG, I am practically in tears over here as I read your post. Your poor dad. Poor mom. Poor YOU! I can't even imagine your pain and heartache. What a week you have lived through. My thoughts are with you, sweetie. I am sure your father would want you to continue on the ttc path even though it's difficult. I know he will always be with you. May God give you strength.

Love,
Karen
mommy to Connor and Aaron -- my beloved blessings
IVF/ICSI twins born November 12, 2002

Erica
You were right -tissues were needed.
I just was and still am going through this with a dear friend of mine.
Her dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer this past april and died in July
He too was 57.

My heart goes out to you and your family.
I know he will be looking after you though!

Many positive thoughts with you

Love
Frani

Hi Erica,

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Your story took me back about 7 years to the passing of my own father. (Tissues were indeed needed.) Cancer is such an awful thing. My heart goes out to you sweetie. I remember my own pain at that time. And I think you are an incredibly courageous woman for continuing your planned cycle. I don't think I would have been able to in your place. I'm surprised you can remember any of the protocol at all! I will be praying for you and your family. Just take each day one minute at a time. Have your DH help you write down your protocol and maybe he can be there to make sure that everything you need to keep track of is taken care of. If I were you, my mind would be mush!

Good luck Sweetie! I hope all the best for you and your family and hope you get PG real soon!

__________________

TTC#1 for 6+ years
Male factor and ovarian reserve difficulty (unofficial)
Failed 5 IVF attempts, failed 8 DIUI Clomid attempts, failed 5 DIUI Femara attempts
Finally PG with first DIVF cycle

EDD Feb 8, 2005 ! It's Twins!! A girl and a boy!!!

Marisa Renee -- 7lbs, 3ozs, 19 1/2 inches, born 11:38am
Jacob Thomas -- 7lbs, 2ozs, 19 1/2 inches, born 11:40am






Marisa Renee and Jacob Thomas:

Erica,
I'm so sorry to hear about your father. I lost my father to pancreatic cancer 9 years ago. He was diagnosed the day after we came home from our honeymoon and died 6 months later. Cancer just really sucks!

One of my dear friends who had lost her father to stomach cancer 10 years earlier, said the best thing to me after he died...which still stands true. "You will think about him everyday for the rest of your life...it just gets a easier."

Try and take the time to mourn and lean on those you love. DH and I believe my dad had some pull upstairs to help us get pg. I think your dad will too.

Oh, and on the fertility stuff. I also have the blood clotting problem..APA. Like you I had a m/c after a (frozen for me) IVF cycle. After the m/c I went to a specialist at UCLA that at the time was one of the few doctors in the country that took the anti-body problems with IF seriously. I think more have now jumped on board. She insisted that I start taking the baby aspirin and heparin a few days before my transfer.... Not once I got the + pg test. She said at that point I could already have clots. So make sure your blood is nice and thin before the transfter. Also I took the meds all the way until 38 weeks of pg. Then he induced me 3 days later. Some doctors like to only have you on the meds through the first trimester.

Babydust and take care!
joanne