totally off topic, vent, rant heated....ex mentioned

mom2fourboyz · #1 (**permalink**) 06-05-2008, 12:31 AM

I dont go much or often about my kids dad, (we arent together) but I feel I need to get this out, and I cant call my mom, its too late, I dare not speak to my DH about it or he will just blow up and I dont want to hear his input, but please let me rant, you can tell me to grow up if you like but here I go....
My x and I have been split up for a few years now, we were married for 12 years prior, have 4 boys together..We never agree, still dont....My reason for this rant is, I put my oldest son Sean into Ball hockey and I and Stu have been to every game, his dad hasnt. He cries sometimes wondering why all his team mates dads are there but his isnt...hes 11....well his team has hit a milestone, they made the playoffs....This is Seans first time ever in a sport and he is so proud and all his dad can say is, well I will try to make it if I dont have my RC hobby race to go to( he goes 3 days a week) or a date.....WTF, Why say that to your son??? I get so angry, i cry, cus this is NOT what I want for my sons...sure they have stu, if it wasnt for stu, their dad would be dead, courtesy of me! But its not the same...I did not want them to have a part time father..he never calls, he never makes a point to come out to see them, Only when he has them, even then thats only once a month for a weekend. To me he could atleast make an effort to come out and see them, after all hes taking all the credit with his family on how the boys are, and more..When in fact its all me doing it from day one. Why is it it hurts me so much that their dad cant be there, especially for a sport he forced me to put his son into cus he wanted something to do with his kid that was his interest to. I cry alot about it, and Im hurt for the boys to have to bounce back and forth at times. I just dont know what to do, and dont know how to stop feeling sorry fo rmyself I guess....Can someone please tell me he will regret this in the future and tell me that it will be ok? I just feel so bad for my sons, and wish different for them. They have different without being in a dysfunctional home with their dad, but geeze...Im sorry...sorry if this sounds cruel of me or selfish to feel bad

Sorry for the rant, to me its valid to feel this way, and I guess typing it here helped me a bit. I just want some sort of ray of hope, cus right now Im not seeing anything.
Thanks in advance!

moonrise · #2 (**permalink**) 06-05-2008, 08:32 AM

Well, I dont know what to say.
In many ways i wish the dad of my 15 and 13 year old wasnt in their life. He is a bi-polar, sometimes medicated, always threatening to kill himself, never pays child support on time, freak.
On the plus side, his kids are important to him. He tells them all the time that if he did not have them, he would have nothing... (sometimes he even calls up crying telling them how much he loves them) he also had a flip side which causes him to scream at people from the car as he drives, call me up and call me every name in the book.. and we have been apart for almost 13 years. it is SO much fun.
Where we used to live was not far from him and from the time Anthony was 5, his dad had him in lacrosse and soccer. Soccer ended about two years ago due to lack of interst on Anthony's part, but LAcrosse is still a big important thing. I went to very few games simply because i could not be around Anthonys dad. He would hit on me, or yell at me, or who knows what. He was assistant coach and was always at the games. I did go to a few, but Anthony knew it was best i not go and it didnt bother him much (Cept he used to wish his dad would just grow up and smarten up)... this year, now that we have moved out of town, he is in a new team and wow what a pain to get him to games. We still play agains the same teams because its the same league and so games twice a week plus practice and almost all games are mid week out on the coast, at dinner time, nearly impossible to get him there, but we try and when we cant cus my husband is on an afternoon shift, then his dad switches schedules at work in order to come out and get him there... point being.. he is a freak of nature, but loves his kids and is involved with them......
My oldest son's dad on the other hand rarely saw Andrew. He is a drinker. When he remarried about 7years ago, he started seeing Andrew sometimes, probably at the encouragement of his new wife. Of course at this time Andrew was already 13, still a rarity though, and since Andrew turned 17, most of the time when they have him come out, its to babusit the 4 little ones, 4 year old, twin 5 year olds and a 7 year old. This past April, on Andrew's big 19th, his dad didnt even call.... weeks passed didnt hear from him... then the wife calls wondering why they are in arrears for maintenance.
Well, my son is attending university (if we can find the funding for it, now that our student loan application is only being covered 50%) and so fmep decided they could continue paying 185.00/month. Well she was livid and went on to say how Cyril is in recovery for drinking right now, at rehab, enforced by his employer the Railways, or he would be losing his job... so no money from them for awhile, and i guess he was too drunk to call Andrew on his bday etc etc.... like sheesh... I SURE knew how to pick'em back then, LOL
So you know, it sucks, kids always have a drama to deal with and it is totally unfair.
The best we can do is suck it up and hope they dont see how upset we are... or it amplifies their pain.
Hug them and hold them if they are young and still cry, (andrew hasnt shed a tear in over ten years.. its a scary thing

) Tell them you understand their pain, dad is just busy etc etc.... they find out the truth on their own as they get older. ITs a tough time, being a kid.

mom2fourboyz · #3 (**permalink**) 06-05-2008, 10:10 AM

You said alot, and more than you should of..hugs...you didnt have to, and thank you. You have went threw alot there, pretty much almost the same than I with exs...my ex I swear is bi polar or scitso.. bought a porsche to punish me when i left him, he calls me up with drama and then calls back and says something totallydifferent, hasnt been in a year or so that way...my DH made that stop as he hated seeing me cry and stuff. My ex would start the call about the kids adn then do that...and being i was married to him for 12 years I just decided to try to help with the problems he had as I figured I was making his life hell with the support payments. Took counselling to get it threw to my head that the support payments are helping the kids, nothing to do with making his life worse etc...long story. My ex is self centered, high on himself and thinks every chick wants him, even me...he found out my tubes are untied and is telling me he wants me to have his baby, if i look a certain way he says he wants a quickie, says its not fair i bring another baby into the world that isnt his, altho his ex is pregnant with his 5th baby as we speak... he knows im married...my DH wants to hit him so bad, but he doesnt cus i tell him to not to. Altho he should...my ex also changes his schedule to meet his needs, and if somethign is planned he always makes other plans, he was court ordered to call the kids, cus our break up was hard on them ,.does he do it, no....does he see them on his weekends..LOL ya if i make sure to be there while he races his stupid cars, and goes on a date...he threatens to beat up my DH if my DH does things for the boys and myself....but he doestn do anything anyways,s o why bother getting pissy right? When i was married to him, I had to work 2 jobs, raise the kids, be pregnant, go shopping on foot(had no car) take kids to appointments etc....he would hit me if i didnt do what he wants, he was and still is a drinker, seans last hockey game (his visitation weekend)he got there with a beer in his hand and omg i freaked, I took the beer and threw it in the garbage. needless to say he didnt get the kids I dont promote drinking with the boys around nor in the vehicle. He is an abuser when he drinks, and I fear the boys with him.Im mad at myself for being with him that long ( I was 16 when we first got together) and having that many kids with him, thinking it would change him, but yet im not mad cus i have these boys and Im not with him no more...so I should be happy. But i have to deal with him cus my boys are young and I want their dad involved. Sean knows why his dad isnt there and gosh it makes me mad to see him upset. He tries so hard to impress his dad, and does he care, sure he cares after hes fullfilled tho. My ex doesnt call on birthdays either, actually makes me remind him....he doesnt care of any event at the school either, he tried to threaten taken me to court last month cus i didnt tell him of sports day...well why should I tell him, when I know his answer, and if I tell him I will get my hopes up that he will be there for them. He gets notices, i scan and mail him copies...doesnt he read them? and i wont even get into the FMEP...If i take him to FMEP he threatens to kill himself, or quit his job. Hes a longshoreman he pays me 50% of what the court order says as it is, so why bounce a payment, but of course his hobbies and drinking is far more important. Im mad at him for the stress hes causing on the boys wish it would change for the kids sake. THey need their dad, they are boys...I grew up in a broken home, my mom and dad split when i was 11, and they devided the kids up(4 all together) like property, and court ordered to where NONE were allowed to contact one another, BS to me.. I wanted different for mine. They have different, let me tell ya, two parents at home who dont drink, two parents who dont mind messes in the living room(im a clean freak and OCD bad on meds for it, not since november i wanted my body clean for a new baby) just plainly a functional structured home. Its not perfect, they fight and i yell at them at times,but its far better than what i had when i was a kid and what i had with him. Im also wondering if my kids dad isnt there cus of my DH...they used to be in the RC world together and when I split up with my ex, he split up with his ex and we met online, it was weird..LOl we never did talk at the RC cus I dare not even look at any other men...but we both went on a dating service just to check it out and met randomly. (jan 2006) I invited him over for a coffee one night, out of friends sake, and something in the conversation we had just clicked, we both knew we wanted to be together, But yes all I can do is hug the boys, i do tell them daily I love them all, they know their mom very well, i dont even have to say much...I pray their lilfe now iwth their dad doesnt interfere with them much, and hope my having my DH here and in their lives steadily has a huge impact on them some how. Ayways, sorry for the rant,again,and it sounds im rambled and dont make sense, but i do to me...but thank you shilo, im sorry you had such an ordeal to go threw there to.it helped me to type this out, and i hope i dont sound selfish or something other than that here

moonrise · #4 (**permalink**) 06-05-2008, 11:26 AM

Well, contrary to popular beleif, they dont need their dad.
Not if that is the sort of person he is. That may sound harsh, but sometimes being around a mentally ill abusive person is worse than not having them there at all.
My oldest never had his dad around, but it was better that way. Better than seeing him drunk, better than being around abuse, better than having the images of a drunken father burned into his small developing mind.
If he doesnt want to be around, that is probably a good thing.
Try your best to keep your emotions out of it.
You were in a co-dependent relationship for a good majority of your life, and you are at the point where you need to emotionally detach yourself from it.
He will never EVER be the man you want him to be.
He never could, because the man you want him to be only exists in your imagination.
Its like any of us who are with or have been with a partner that is not a great person.. we hope they will change, hope they will become what we THINK they can be.
We think, "oh but when we first met them, they werent like this... etc etc" but they have always been exactly who they are, they just hide it well. we ALL hide our imperfections well until we fall in love, and then our insecurities come out.....
He has always been who he has been, and if he is truly mentally ill, it will only get worse.
People can have emotional issues that they can work with, but truly mentally ill people who are not under doctors care and working through issues will only ever get worse, and it is probably best your boys dont see him often. My 13 year old is picking up alot of his fathers habits and mannerisms and i wish they had spent MUCH less time together. He has been in adjusted classes now since grade 4 and our daily life is a struggle at times.
As far as the "im going to kill myself" i have heard that a ZILLION times in the almost 13 years since we have split up. Mostly in regards to FMEP, they doubled the amount he had been paying. It took me 10 years to finally go through fmep, but i am glad i did because now i dont even discuss money with him.
And when he says "im going to kill myself" i say....
"Fine, you go ahead, just make sure it looks like an accident so that the kids can still receive their portion of your life insurance from your job."
If people are going to kill themselves, they are going to do it.
There is not alot anyone can do.
Usually people that repeatedly threaten are not the ones to worry about anyhow.
When someone has fully made up their mind that they want to end their life, then they dont usually announce it to the world. They just do it.
I have lost many people around me to suicide. A few close friends and a few non blood related family members on my x-husbands side.
It is an illness, like cancer, and sometimes there is nothing you can do. If someone is so ill that they are determined to kill themselves, then thats pretty tough.
But its not usually just because they are forced to pay child support.
And if they are THAt shallow, and THAT selfish that they would rather end their life than pay for their kids? well then... see ya later. Sorry, may sound harsh, but i dont pity drama queens (thats my private nick name for the kids dad) who call suicide everytime things dont go their way.
Suicide is a horrible reality, and if people are going to use it as an excuse to get their own way, then oh well.. sucks to be them.

mom2fourboyz · #5 (**permalink**) 06-05-2008, 11:40 AM

You sound alot like me...
I have to say this first, the part of the drama queen part that you secretely keep..lol I do the same with my kids dad, its actually in my cell phone that and another name when it comes up when he calls..not that funny I know, cus they cause themselves to be that way, but its a reminder of who he is and what i have to be when I pick up that call.
I have been toldby my entire family, they got you, from day 1, they DONT need their dad. I guess I have to get my head out of my A** and realize they are way better behaved that befor and smell the coffee that my current lifestyle now is for their better. I do agree that they are far better off without him, as little as he sees them. I do tell my DH, when their dad is grey, old and unable to enjoy life, that MAY be when he will realize what hes missed out on. These boys are wonderful boys, and I bend over backwards for them. Like geeze few hours after surgery I was baking muffins for my sons cus they get that sort of attetion from me. Not tryn to blow my own horn, but my boys mean the world to me. I was a drunk befor, I used to do drugs and well, the day my son (kevin) asked me if I was drunk and wanted another alchohol drink...that hit me, I cried and threw the bottle out the window. I was having a pitty party when I left their dad and figured, may as well drink away the tears...well that lasted a few months and done and gone. It took me a few years to plan my escape out of that relationship and I had to leave, it was that or welfar took my kids cus of his abuse. Years, a good 5 years. Yes he calls suicide and omg i say the same thing to him, make sure its an accident cus your kids are your beneficiary and I would not want them to be left out. He doesnt seem to get the hint in that. But what ever. He is loosing out and yes it does hurt me to see the boys like this, and wish on my worst days (usually close to my cycle) that I just get over it and let it be, and not get so upset about their dad not being there and being an A**, its for their own good. Now dealing with my son being upset about his hockey has got to the be the hardest thing ever. He begs me to change his dad and I wish I was a geenie and I could do it for him, but he even knows his dad and well, aint gonna happen!