Pondering Parenthood

Leese · #1 (**permalink**) 06-01-2005, 07:22 PM

I read an article in the May issue of one of my magazines that got me thinking. The article was written by a woman who had her first child at 38, was a foreign correspondent for a magazine, and then had her second child at 41. The author was focusing on 'baby brain' that so many women seem to experience after having a child. But in it she also talks about how the fear of how 'baby brain' would affect her life made her delay child-bearing until it was almost too late. I started to think about how I've been indoctrinated with all kinds of rules about having children that are supposed to be self-imposed. You can't have kids until you have X amount of dollars saved up. You can't be a good mother if you want to work. You can't find a compromise that allows you to work and care for a child. You can't have a child until you are 'old enough'. You can't have a child until you can afford a house. You can't reasonably afford to have more than a couple of kids. You shouldn't have kids until your life can revolve around them. You shouldn't have kids until you can be completely independent (and when exactly did we decide that mothers should be completely autonomous, not relying on help from others?).

When I think about how afraid my contemporaries are of the responsibility of having children, it's a wonder any of us choose to do so. But we need to remember that humans have been raising families for thousands of generations under much worse circumstances than what we currently have. Sometimes I feel like I'll be disappointing someone or acting irresponsibly to have children at all. I mean, I feel like I'm 15 on a good day. And I plan to work after I have kids, and I don't plan on allowing my children to be the center of the universe (they can be the center of mine, but need to understand the world doesn't revolve around them). But I also know that I am a very capable person. I need to learn to stop worrying about what others will think and have faith in myself. Looking at my life logically, I think I am in an excellent position to start a family. Of course it's going to be difficult. It's difficult under the best of circumstances. But it's also wonderful. So I'm going to do this for the sake of the wonderful times, and accept the difficult times as they come. I'm still worried about everything that can go wrong on this great adventure, but I'm more excited about this than I've ever been about anything before. I feel an intense pull to bring a child into this world, and that's exactly what I plan to do.

Baby dust to all!

gardengirl414 · #2 (**permalink**) 06-01-2005, 08:06 PM

Hi Lisa....
I couldn't have said it better myself. I've always said that if you only thought about it long enough, you could surely convince yourself to never have any children (especially if you've never had any). Sometimes you've just got to jump in with both feet, KWIM. Life isn't perfect....and it's silly to wait around for it to be "perfect" before you have a child. Sure, some times are better than others....but a child is truly a blessing and it will work out.

novadele · #3 (**permalink**) 06-02-2005, 04:47 AM

Hi Lisa,

Thank you for posting that! You are an eloquent writer. I have all of those thoughts and feelings inside my head too, but I don't think they would have come out quite so organized and thoughtful.

You summed up everything so beautifully.

Babydust to everyone!!!!!!

Slingnmom · #4 (**permalink**) 06-02-2005, 07:28 AM

I guess I've never grown up with those "rules".

My mom was 17 when she had me, 16 when she got pregnant. My mom was 3 mo pregnant with me and married my 18yo father. They struggled every year for a while but my mom was a SAHM until we all entered school then she worked while we were in school and was always home in time to greet us. They ended up having 6 kids in the end.

I always wanted kids. When I was 13 I wanted a baby. I never acted upon it and have only been with one man (my husband of course). I was 20 when I met him 21 when we married and 21 when we became pregnant and 22 when we had our first child, and this was just a short 7 years ago. Every year since our marriage I have been pregnant at some point or another. We currently have 5 beautiful children, and are planning on at least one more if not 3 more.

We don't own a house, we aren't financially stable, and we take things one day at a time. I homeschool so I won't be going back to work unless DH becomes a SAHD. I've never felt more blessed. We've never had to struggle with providing the basic necessities for our children. They have more clothes than I know what to do with and our cupboards are always overflowing. We are the "popular" house int he neighborhood and it's not because of money

. The kids in the neighborhood comeover so I can read to them! SOmetimes they like sitting in on one of the kids homeschooling lessons or they like to watch me bake brownies or even cook dinner. (it's been odd around here lately)

I've just never grown up thinking about the rules you've talked about, but I know them all too well. I don't understand them in the least. My religion has told us not to delay having children for all of those exact reasons you stated Lisa, so maybe that is why I feel differently. Even now in the news you hear about the increasing age of mothers and the complications that go along with their choices. Some not knowing about the effects or perimenopause that can happen as early as one's twenties. The devestating effects of some birth controls that some women were on and can't reverse. In the end the $$$ that these couples saved up inorder to be prepared to have a family is thus spent on many fertility tretments pretty much leaving them right back where they started 10 years earlier

I think families are the most important thing we have. I really do want a large family and I pretty much have that. Money was never an issue and money and things have always worked out for us even when we thought they wouldn't. Somehow priorities change and you just don't think about your needs and wants anymore. You go ahead and get that $25 package of diapers without so much as a wince and cringe at the thought of buying a $20 bra for yourself

I will say though that I agree with you on that age thing. I am just rounding that corner of age 30 {{gasp}} and there are many a days where I still feel like a teenager and like I have absolutely no clue as to what I am doing. I always used to think adults knew what they were doing but being one has taught me that they are just winging it like the rest of us. I struggle with 'should I scold the neighbor kids who are fighting outside my door or let them handle things on their own?' (not physically but verbally fighting) I worry about stupid lawsuits because this country is so greedy and quick to blame others.

Well I don't know much, and I think I am rambling now, LOL

Mom2Eliz · #5 (**permalink**) 06-02-2005, 01:08 PM

Lisa~Good post you wrote! I was always a "by the book" kind of person and was also indoctrined in similar ways. My parents always emphasized a good education and being able to take care of ourselves, which is a good thing, of course, but I had ever wanted to be was a SAHM. I'm glad that in the end I did go to school b/c living on Long Island is crazy expensive and there is no other place I would want to live (all of my close family live here). We would not be able to survive if I didn't have a decent job. Thankfully, because of the field I'm in, I can afford to work part-time (3 days a week) while making a similar salary as many do while working full time. This allows me to be at home with my child most days of the week, and also allows me to contribute to family income. It also gives me a sense of accomplishment and pride that I can make a difference in the lives of other people (I always did want to help people in some way)...that is so rewarding! But if I had it my way...I'd be financially secure (and by that I mean comfortable...being able to pay the bills...not living in the lap of luxury) and be a SAHM. I also would not have put off child-bearing until so late. My husband really pressured me into waiting 5 yrs to get married, then wait to have children until we were more "financially secure". Now I am a firm believer that there is never the "perfect time" to have a child. Had we had a child earlier, that child would have been loved and cared for, regardless of income, etc. I guess what I'm saying is that I wish I had children earlier because now I'm running out of time as I near 40 and I'm having fertility problems. I have been reading about women starting to have children in their 40's b/c they have put their career first, but then they either experience heartbreak b/c they are unable to get pregnant, or they endure fertility treatments if they cannot conceive. That's really sad. OK, I'm rambling now...LOL...sorry. All I have to say is once that baby comes, they are your WORLD and everything else goes out the window. So I say, go for it..you won't regret it!

BabyBrain · #6 (**permalink**) 06-02-2005, 04:37 PM

Wow! I couldn't agree more. My parents and pretty much everyone we know think we had Brad too early (he was conceived three months after we married), but I know it was the right thing. Waiting for a house or for more money or for whatever is ridiculous. It's human nature to always want more. As soon as you get what you want you want something else! If we waited we probably never would have had Brad. I'm so glad we had him when we did.

Leese · #7 (**permalink**) 06-04-2005, 11:30 PM

Thanks for all the responses. These are definitely the issues that cross my mind when I really start to think about having a baby. Stephanie, I think I agree a lot with you about things working out, priorities changing, and how we ought not delay having families. My mom was 36 when she had me, my dad was in his 40s. I was a surprise, and I'm not sure why, but they never really talked about when I would have a family of my own. Education and work were stressed instead. To this day, my mom seems uncomfortable when I talk about having kids. I think she worries that it will steer me off course from my career and other life plans. Of course it will for a while, but I'm 26, I have a master's degree, my DH and I own our house in CA, and he's starting a Ph.D. program this fall (that's why we're moving to Ohio). I'm not quite sure what else to do to demonstrate that I'm a capable adult. There are some issues in my relationship with my parents as you can probably tell. I guess my point with everything I wrote is that I'm going to do this and ignore all the 'rules' I mentioned before. I'm doin' it my way (to rip off Sinatra...). And I think it will be fine.

Thanks for your responses, especially those of you that already have kids. It's good to hear from people that have been there, done that, and been able to live through it, lol!