I don't know officially what a nervous breakdown is, but over the last 3 weeks I think I can say I've come awfully close if not totally had one. 2 major things have been happening that have really been making me feel like a headcase.

The first is, I have been in anxiety attack hell. It stems from the fact that I have, for as long as I can remember, been an emetophobe. If you don't have time to read the link, basically, I have an irrational fear of throwing up, or being around someone else throwing up. I know it makes no sense, but just the thought puts my body into flight/fight/total panic mode...my heart races, my mind races, my gut cramps, I start sweating and feel terrified. My close family and friends have always known I had some issues around this, but it wasn't until a few weeks ago that I looked it up, found the name, and 'came out of the closet', so to speak. I'm so embarrassed about being so afraid of something so odd, that for the last 30 years I've never told anyone the true extent of it. It was always something I could avoid well enough, since my main phobia is now in regards to others throwing up around me. Well, that was before I was a mother, and now I can't run away from it. Of course, 'tis the stomach virus season and I had been getting more and more anxious every day until 3 weeks ago, when after 2 days of playing with my kids, my nephew came down with it and I went into outright and total panic. I knew it was a panic attack, and I can normally talk myself out of it, but not this time, and for 5 days I couldn't eat, or sleep, or get my body to relax in the least. It was truly hell. Finally I got some Ativan, and whew, I sure was thanking the pharmaceutical gods. (My kids did get sick, btw, but by then DH knew I was a basket case and he handled it, thank goodness.) I went to see my family doctor when she was on duty at a walk in clinic and she gave me enough Ativan for awhile, but it can be easily habit forming, so it's not a long term solution. Since then I've had to take it about every other day. The mere knowledge that anybody, anywhere has a stomach virus starts the panic going. Actually, all someone has to say is that they're not feeling well, or are dizzy, or anything like that and I'm off to crazy-lady land. I have an appointment on the 22nd, and I'm obviously going to have to start a longer term treatment with an anti-anxiety drug like Paxil or something. I don't want to do that at all, but apparently, I'm neurotic and have no choice. wierdo I'd rather be on anything than live in this horribly anxious state though. I'm not sure what sort of therapy is available, but will be looking into it. So there, now you all know my deep dark secret and I feel foolish.

Second problem is that Reg and I are reaching rock bottom. It has been getting so very bad between us, and I'm not just being petty or nasty, I honestly fear he has mental health issues. Basically, he's emotionally abusive, though it is not intentional and he doesn't see it for what it is. He is hostile to me just about every single day and he blames absolutely everything on me, snaps at me, ignores me, etc. He has been on an anti-depressant for about a year now, and he went off it cold turkey and I thought it couldn't get worse, but it did. Monday, we fought so bad that for the first time, he said he thought we should split up (I've talked about it more than once). Then he went to work and I spent the evening trying to not bawl my eyes out with the kids awake. I just kept looking at them and trying to picture what it would be like for them if their dad and I split, and it was breaking my heart in the worst way. When Reg came home from work I basically collapsed in his arms and sobbed and sobbed, and thank goodness, he had come to the same decision that I had...we HAVE to make this work. On his own, he admitted that he could feel the difference in himself without the meds and he has started to wean up to his regular dose again. We had a good talk where we both basically said that we can and WILL make our marriage better come hell or high water. The last 4 days have gone very well, and it's taking effort on both of our parts, but I think we've been living more like 'normal' people this week. I know the peace treaty will not last forever as is though, and we are both seeing a counselor, and will be seeing his together as well. Before this breakthrough though, the heartbreak and stress of our day to day interaction was killing me, and I believe it's a big factor in my anxiety getting so out of control.

So, that's why I've been quiet, this is my first evening on the computer since all hell broke lose 3 fridays ago. I really feel like I've been through a crisis, but now I am getting things fixed up, so I'm feeling optimistic, cautiously optmistic.

And, omg, I can't believe I just admitted all this on a public message board.

:hug Hon, I really don't know what to do or say other than you aren't foolish! I'm terrified of spiders... even the small ones..... We all have our fears and we all get anxious over them. So yours is a little more serious than most... you will find a way to deal with it and move on!

As for your relationship with your DH, I think you are on the right path... counselling is a great idea for both of you!! Your DH sounds a lot like mine. We have had some really hard patches due to his depression and he is on meds mostlikely for life due to his depression. We nearly split about 2 years before Liam was born and then again a year after. It has been hard on both of us, but we insist on working at it not just for Liam but for ourselves to! I love my husband and even though he goes through he spurts of treating me like crap, blaming everything on me and totally ignoring me, I love him and would not want to be with anyone else.

anyway, my point in all this is to let you know you aren't alone and that we are thinking of you! Take care hon and I know you will not regret doing your best to make this work!

:hug

Sheri

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OMG, my dear sweet RoseAnne.

I have been checking this board endlessly for the past week, hoping that you would come by.

From your last post, I had thought 2 things:
(a) someone is sick
(b) divorce/separation

I don't know what to say...me, at a loss for words...imagine.

I hope that your relationship with your husband improves with conselling. Depression is a beast, I have seen how it can affect a family (my uncle suffers from it). And as for your anxiety attacks...do what you have to, hopefully you'll find something that offers you long term results.

And we are not JUST a public message board. We are your friends, reagrdless of whether we live in your town or somewhere far in the internet galaxy...come by and rant, scream, cry or laugh with us anytime. We you, lady!

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Marisa
mom to Alex (Sept 2002) and Samantha (Jan 2005)

Oh RoseAnne, you are not foolish by any means. I also have an embarrasing anxiety issue and I won't even post it on here because I'm so horrified by the ridiculous-ness of it. So don't feel bad because everybody has their "things".

I'm so glad that you're going to counselling with DH. I believe that would help us out here too. I won't go into details, but I almost walked out recently. I was at the door, bag packed and DH stopped me. So the other girls are right, you're NOT alone.

Hang in there and feel free to vent anytime.

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Sonia
(Formerly smellycat)

I am so sorry you are going through all that. I had no clue since I don't come on here as often. I wanted to say that your fear is not foolish. I'll come out and say it I am deathly afraid of balloons! I am not kidding my kids can't even bring them into the house or else I go nuts now try to imagine bday parties yep huh huh Hang in there we all go through ups and downs in marriage but if you guys truly love eachother and I don't doubt it then I am sure you can work anything and everything out I am sending tons of your way.

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oh RoseAnne, i am so sorry that you've been going through all of this. not much to add to what the others have said, you and dh sound like you're on the right track now. and i will add you to my prayers.

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My dear...my dear...my dear...don't you know that we all have issues and we all have things going on behind closed doors...dontcha watch Desparate Housewives girl!!

Seriously though...I think that you are going down the right road...any fear...no matter how irrational it may seem to us...must be addressed or it will take over your life. I am all for medicating to help...but please try and get some counselling in there to hash out these things as well.

As for your hubby...sounds like you guys are recognizing the problems and talking them through...it sure ain't easy...but nothing worth having is in the end...right!!

Please never feel alone in any of this...all of your cyber buddies are just a click away...

Take Care,

Chantale

Kate 3
Matt 1