This may be a little long, but I would truly be grateful for any advice.

I got married in 1988 in the Salt Lake Temple. We stayed active for a few years, then because of work we both were not able to attend church. Needless to say, we have never been active since.

I am having some problems in my marriage and I have never told anyone about this before. I'm hoping to get some insight from someone who does not know me or my husband and who can possibly see my husbands side.

I knew my husband lived a "rowdy" lifestyle before I met him. (drinking, a little pot and messed around with girls) He went on a mission at the age of 20 when he claims he finally decided for himself that it was time to go and not what his perants thought was right. He ended up having a very successful mission and did not want to come home.

We got married and about 6 months into the marriage I found some pictures of him drinking with a buddy and they clearly were taken after he returned. I was shocked and honestly couldn't believe that he kept this secret from me.

As the years have gone by I have found out that he has been drinking with co-workders and friends without me knowing. I have found porn in the form of magazines and videos hidden around the house. Each time one of these issues comes up, he promises he will never do it again. But, unfortunately I usually find out that he is lying.

I found out a few years ago that he has gone to strip clubs. This devestated me and has taken myself esteem to the ground. I found out that he has been looking at porn on the net. I always confront him about what I find and as usual he promises that he loves me and will never drink or visit these places again.

He is an salesman for Utah, Idaho and Montana and travels often. We have tried to have children, but have been unable to so far. That in itself is very hard to go through.

Needless to say through all of this my trust is hardly there. I have a "spy" program that I am able to monitor his e-mail and net usage. Once in a great while he gets e-mails from clients with porn in them... but not too often and he does not surf himself for porn.

The last few years it seems like we have been doing awesome. We talk a lot to each other and I really have been feeling like he has grown out of that stage of his life. But, I must admit I always have this nagging feeling of untrust.

Tonight I decided to listen to his cell phone messages and there was one on there that is making me sick. It's from a client and he says "I went up to Meridian this week and I guess who I saw (laugh, laugh) all I could think about is what you didn't tell me, WOW (laugh, chuckle, chuckle) there is one lucky guy living there in Salt Lake (more laughing)". My heart just stopped when I heard this and starts imagining all sorts of things. Is this client talking about some stripper my husband told him about or did he meet some girl my husband possibly was involved with????

I don't know what to think of this, but I am fearing the worst. With all of the non-stop lies I have lived with, I just can't seem to trust him.

I love my husband very much and I want to be with him forever. But I cannot be happy living with dishonesty anymore. What should I do? Do I once again confront him and take his word again??? Should I have to live like this? I'm I bad for thinking about divorce over this? I seriously, do not know what to do.

I have my faults too and I am not trying to make him seem like it's all him. Just a few weeks ago, his father had to have surgery and he asked for a blessing. He asked my husband to administer it, even though we have not been active in years. I felt uneasy about it, because I believe you should be living worthy. But if there is one person in this world my husband admires and would do anything for, is his father. And I don't think he would give a blessing, if he wasn't living right.

But, I am scared to death that it is the same old "what I don't know, won't hurt me".

Like I said before, I have never shared any of this with anyone. Not a friend, co-worker of family member. Mainly because I don't want them to judge or hate him. But, I am feeling totally lost and scared to death that nothing has ever changed.

Any suggestions would be so appreciated. Thank you.

Wow... that is really hard. I'm surprised that your husband consented to giving a blessing when you haven't been active in the church. I'd say the first step is to talk to your husband. Tell him all of your concerns, but do it in a way that he doesn't feel like he's being attacked. Maybe you could go to counseling together to work through whatever trust issues you have, and whatever his issues are. As Dear Abby always says, if your dh won't go with you, then go by yourself because you may still get some insight on why he's doing what he's doing and how you might be able to improve your relationship. The next step would be to go to church. Talk to your Bishop. Get things straightened out. Go through the necessary repentance steps. And as always, make this a matter of prayer. If you've stopped praying, start again. Heavenly Father is there and He loves you and your husband. I'll bet that He wants your marriage to work, and He will help you get there.

Hugs and prayers!!

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~*~ Katie ~*~






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I read your post and I think that prayer is the best thing for now. I don't know what I'd do... but talking to him hasn't worked in the past, so if I were in your shoes I wouldn't feel much like talking.

I think I would start the repentance process for myself and get back to Church. It's the iron rod that protects us from the attractions of the world and you can't help him until you are sufficiently able to help yourself. I don't mean that derogatorily, nor is it said in a condescending manner (sometimes it is hard to tell on message boards how people intend things). I say that because I know how much it can strengthen and support you. There are answers for you and help, too.

((Hugs))

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Angela

Ang is right. Get yourself to a spiritually in tuned place so you can hear the promtings of the Holy Ghost. My Dh is miles ahead of me spiritually, and it makes me want to do better when I see him being so faithful and obedient. Maybe your Dh will feel the spirit that fills you and he will be open to working on things?

And sometimes we have to face facts...........once we've done all we can do, we have to let natural consequences happen.

Our husbands hold the Priesthood and lead our homes........if they lose their way, we aren't obligated to follow them to the Telestial Kingdom.

Get yourself heading in the right direction.............the Lord won't let you flounder without guidence if you ask for help.

It must be so hard for you to live like this and pretend that you're not worried. My first marriage was sort of like what you describe. He was a non-member and I had to face the reality that I had made a mistake. I know your situation isn't the same as mine was. I also held in a lot of hurt and swallowed a lot of lumps in my throat, when I found porn and worried if he had carnal knowledge of other women while being gone drinking for the night. I was inactive, and lived without the spirit's comfort. I realized I was in a precarious place and I had to change things.

Good Luck.

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HOLLY 37



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Timber....
I'm so sorry you even have to go through this!! I think you have gotten some good advice already. I agree that you need to rely on prayer and put your faith in Heavenly Father. That alone will take a huge weight off of your shoulder.
I'm also a huge believer in honestly and communication, especially in marriage! I would definitely tell your Dh what you heard on the message and ask him what it means? I would also take the advice given about counseling whether it be with a professional or your bishop or both.
And like Holly said, you can still live worthily and go to the celestial kingdom w/o your Dh. I know that sounds very sad but even so it is something to strive for. HF seems to have a purpose in the trials he gives us, so keep comfort in that. And read 1 Cor Chapter 7:12-14 or even the whole chapter, it may give you some peace!!
HUGS!!!

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I agree with the other ladies. I also think that even if your Dh has been living "right" for the last while, a lot of those sins he has committed (the drinking, strippers, porn, hiding things from you, etc) need to be discussed with a bishop before he can truly repent and use the priesthood worthily again.

Those aren't the worst sins in the world, but are bad enough that they would need to be confessed, esp for someone who has been through the temple. It would also do a lot of good for both of you to get back to church! If your Dh wants to be using his priesthood to bless others, maybe thats an incentive for him to go back?

I wish you the best of luck. I could not live in dishonesty either. Keep us updated if you can!

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My heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry. That must be so hard!
The other ladies gave some great advice ... I am not sure I have anything to add, except that I can feel that Heavenly Father is mindful of you and your situation. He loves you!
I hope that a solution presents itself and that you'll have peace with whatever decisions you make.

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I am sorry that your going thought this right now. Really I am!

All I can say is pray, pray, pray, & pray. When the lord knows your listening he will guide you to do what’s best for you and your DH.

But PLEASE know this is not your fault....

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