This has been a big struggle for me, especially during the last year or so. I just recently have decided that I feel a bit depressed about my situation. Not to the point where I think medication is a need, but I definitely feel sad and frustrated and generally down about it.

The thing is, I don't really feel like I have any friends. My ward has a fairly large amount of young couples with children, so you would think I would have at least some. Well, I did have a couple good friends, but they both moved. Everyone else I seem friendly with, I never *do* anything with. They're simply people who will talk to me when we're at an activity together. And I don't go to a lot of activities...I'm really not the type who wants to get out a lot. One or two social get-togethers a month is (usually) plenty for me.

I just feel like I can't connect with anyone in my area. Thoughts that run through my head are that I just don't fit in. And then I think, WAIT, how can I NOT fit in? We have the entire gospel in common! But whenever I get together with these ladies in a non-church/enrichment kind of setting, I just feel like such a, well, social outcast. I think it boils down to my general non-mainstream personality. The other ladies are generally wives of medical students (thank you, Johns Hopkins). I, on the other hand, very much lean towards a natural way of living. And I become even deeper into it the more time I spend as a mom...I'll be starting to cloth diaper this week, even! You would think the differences wouldn't matter much, but my different attitude seems to come shining through in just about every single conversation I have.

Some examples of how conversations tend to go:

Me: "He's almost 6 months old."
Them: "Oh, great, so he's on solids then!"
Me: "Well, uh...no. Actually, I don't start solids until at least 6 months with my kids, and Jacob just generally hates anything in his mouth but his mommy, so he won't even take a bottle."
Them: "Oh my goodness, I would hate to be constantly attached to my kids that way. I can't believe you've never left him with a babysitter!"
Me: "Well, it really doesn't bother me...." (and in fact, the thought of leaving my baby with someone else tends to make me extremely nervous...I think I have some control issues, LOL)

During testimony time in RS:
Her: "I may not have gotten the christmas tree up this week, but at least my girls got their flu shots on time!"
Me, to myself: ....I avoid flu shots like the plague. Why do people have to talk about it like it's SUCH a priority and nobody should be without it?

At a book club activity:
Them: "Having a baby at home is SO irresponsible, and should be outlawed."
Me: Thinking of a homebirth for next time. My mom had her last 2 at home. My sister had her last 2 at home. I think it would be wonderful. "You know, I was at my brother's homebirth and I cut his cord. It was really can be a wonderful experience, as long as you are not going to be in a high risk group."
Them: Tries to smooth things over so as not to hurt my feelings, but does not back down on expressing the feeling that it's completely irresponsible.

At a food/recipe sharing activity this week, where at least half the women were pregnant:
Them: "You had a midwife?"
Me: "Yes, it was great!"
Them: "So you didn't get an epidural?"
Me: "Nope. Of course, there wouldn't have been time even if I had wanted it."
Them (woman who had a 3 hour labor for her first child): "When I go to have this baby, I'm asking for an epidural as soon as I get in the door." (I hear this almost every time birth comes into a conversation. "Hook me up!" followed by a lot of laughter.)

Ok, so that's just a few examples. Now, I'm going to go ahead and say that I don't think any family or mother should not be able to make those sorts of choices for their family or themselves, or that they're necessarily the wrong choices for their own families/selves. It's just extremely frustrating for me, because conversations invariably end up being centered around family life, and then I either find myself sitting there silently listening to what's being said around me, feeling like I have NOTHING in common with everyone else in the room, or if I do say something, nobody has anything to relate to me with, and the conversation just kind of trails off into oblivion. I mean, heck, even my biggest hobby, computer and console gaming (usually with DH) isn't shared by anyone in the ward. They tend to talk about home decorating, or scrapbooking, or their jobs. And I have nothing to contribute in those areas.

So it boils down to that I just feel lonely and like I don't fit in. I am very happy with the choices I have made for myself, but it sure would be awfully great to have someone in real life I can talk to. Of all the women here I know, none have ever gone out of their way (except, of course, the two friends I had that unfortunately moved) to really involve me in anything. Admittedly, I don't do that either, so a huge part of my problem is my own fault. I think I just kind of got lost in the shuffle when I moved into this ward. I moved in at the same time as a large population of them did (them for medical school, me for DH's job), and I was 6 weeks away from my due date. So between moving in and getting settled, and then having my baby and being home-bound for a few weeks, I just kind of got...lost. And never recovered. I just really *need* a friend.

My poor visiting teacher. She said she left a message on my phone that she was coming to visit last week, but I never got a message from her. I was on one of my worse days when she arrived at my door. I hadn't showered in 2.5 days (yuck, I hate to admit it), the house was a WRECK, and when she sat down she asked if I had anything I wanted to talk about before she got started. If she hadn't arrived then, when I wasn't expecting it, I probably would have gone ahead acting like everything was fine. But I just started bawling and telling her how lonely I felt. She was so good to me - just let me cry on her shoulder for a few minutes, and asking me questions and helping me through the conversation. Honestly, I felt so good after talking to her, I've had several days where I feel perfectly fine again.

But when I went to a social get-together this week, I just ended up feeling lonely again. Conversation turned to the stuff I gave examples of earlier, and I just had nothing to say. Things that everyone laughed at, I forced a smile for. That just makes me feel so fake, pretending like I find something funny, or acting like yeah! I've had the same experience! - but I haven'. tAnd when I went to bed that night, my brain just wouldn't shut off, and I was up till 3am just thinking constantly about my whole situation.

I SHOULD be able to fit in. These are great women, and even if we don't do things the same way, I should at least feel like I have something to offer. I just don't feel like I do. My visiting teacher was so wonderful to point out to me that Heavenly Father loves me just the way I am. And I know that. And I also know that Christ knows in a very personal way exactly how I feel, and that HE can relate to me. But it also seems like I'm being bombarded with messages of friendship lately...in sacrament talks, in quotes...women are meant to be social and have friends. And I don't feel a desire for *constant* socializing (I really do like being a homebody a lot of the time), but I DO feel the NEED for a friend at this point in my life. I just have no idea how to really connect with someone if I'm so different. Friends talk about common interests. Why is it that I can't find anyone with common interests in such a large bunch of women?

I'm extremely grateful for DH - he's a wonderful husband AND a wonderful friend, and no matter how much I've kind of "evolved" over the last few years, he's always in lockstep with me, and extremely supportive. I could not have picked a more wonderful companion for myself (except for maybe the snoring...I could do without that! ) ....Heavenly Father definitely led me to DH.

I try so hard to be open and friendly, but all my interactions are basically limited to the enrichment type activities, where I end up with nothing to contribute to conversations. Nobody really talks to me just to talk to me, and they certainly don't "get" me. And I'm so far away from my family, and have been for 2.5 years now, and I guess I'm just to the point where I really really miss that interaction. I just don't know what to do about it. I'm naturally pretty quiet and shy, and this extra difference in personality doesn't help at all.

Okay, there's my long book of a post. I know I can't be the only one who's ever felt like they don't fit in, even in the one social circle where you would think everyone could fit in. I guess I'm hoping for some words of understanding, advice, or whatever, really.

__________________
Becky
DH Jesse
DD Melinda, Oct. 16, 2003
DS Jacob, Aug. 14, 2005
#3 due March 26, 2008

Oh boy do I know how you feel! I've been in my ward a little over six years and it's taken me that long to finally find a few women I can even talk to for more than a minute, literally! Pretty sad huh! I would usually just go to Relief Society and sit wherever, usually not by anyone so I wouldn't have to talk, I don't go to activities’ so I don't meet anyone in the ward and at the other meetings I'm with my DH who's a lot like yours in that he's really my best friend and my sounding board.

My problem is I'm a working mother where as the other women here are all SAHM so I always felt like I was "bad" for working and having my children in daycare so I REALLY had nothing to talk with them about in that way.

I'm now in Primary and one girl there invited me to play games with her and some other women (some from the ward, some not) and it took me six months to finally be comfortable even in that group setting to really contribute to the conversations each month.

I still don't have any what I'd consider good friends in my ward. I do finally have women I'd actually sit by and chat with during church but besides the game group I go to once a month I don't get together with many people/friends myself. I'm a big homebody too and I don't like getting babysitters unless it's family so we don't go out much ourselves unless it's with each other and the boys.

I do have one of my best friends here living by me (hi Jer!) but even we don't get together like we should *wink* but that's my fault, I stay home and like it most the time.

I really get most my interaction with "friends" here online with my boards and a yahoo group of other women I met here. We get together once a year if we can but other than that I don't do much either, so you're not alone.

I know I didn't help much but don't feel like you're the only one feeling this way. I know too that like you said it's partly our problem, for not putting ourselves out there and making ourselves make friends. I just really don’t want to take the time, sad huh, but mines more because I spend enough time at work with my “work” friends that when I’m home I don’t want to do anything else with anyone else except my boys and DH.

Anyway, I hope things do get better for you! I bet you there’s another girl in your ward feeling the same way just waiting for someone to befriend her. I’m glad your VT was so nice to listen to you and stuff too, they’re great sometimes aren’t they, lol!

__________________

Shabs
Christopher 4-01
Connor 5-03
Kaitlee 9-06

Brooke and Brennon 11-99

I think you hit the nail on the head here. I hope this doesn't come off sounding harsh (really, I mean well!!) but chances are, there are women who feel a lot like you and you guys aren't connecting because no one is willing to make the first move. It takes effort, serious effort to make friends once you are an adult, living on your own. I have quite a few friends here, but it took a lot of work to make them.

When I first moved here, there was this one girl who invited me places and we had a good time. But then she made other friends and eventually moved away and I felt pretty lonely....I was like, "what, no one wants to be friends with me?" I was used to just letting the phone ring and having others (well, just this one friend, usually) invite me places. I didn't want to make the phone calls to invite people over or to the park or to activites, because I was afraid of rejection. But who isn't afraid of that?

SO...I decided to take charge and start calling people and making and effort. You know what...its hard, but its worth it. Yes, I have been "rejected" by people who are 'too busy' all the time to hang out or just don't connect with me...but I have also made two really good friends. And its constant work to keep in touch and keep close, but again, its worth it.

And at first, it felt like I was the one doing all the work in these friendships--and that sucked and I wondered if these people really wanted to hang out since they weren't reciprocating invitations--but I also realized that in some of my previous friendships, my friends were the ones who were always inviting me places, while I just sat around waiting. So I realized some of these people were probably just enjoying not having to be the one to put themselves out there and were afraid I'd be too busy for them. And eventually, after I invited them several places, they started reciprocating the friendship too.

As for people not seeing eye to eye with you--I can understand some of that, but like you said, you have the gospel in common so I dont think it matters. I disagree with my close friends on a lot of things like spanking (I don't do it), marriage issues, CIO, etc...but we are still close. I think that in the conversations you posted, you were stating your point of view and they were stating theirs. You don't agree...but so what? It doesn't sound like they were being nasty about it or attacking you. I know those conversations made you feel alienated (and I hope this doesn't sound bad) but it was probably all in your head (trust me, I've been there too!) I am sure those women didn't mean to make you feel out of place anymore than you would want them to feel out of place, KWIM?

Also, enrichment, book club, etc....those are NOT the places to make close friends. You need to get people's phone numbers and call them and have them over for lunch or meet at the park, etc. Getting to know people and showing interested in someone one-on-one, or in a very small group setting, will go a lot farther in making a close friend. I have realized that I will never make a good friend simply by showing up at church or enrichment...those are great places to meet people, but not great places to form good friendships.

Sooo...get to work, LOL. Really, I know what it can be like. But you can change it. Also, pray about it hard. I have done that and it worked wonders for me.

__________________

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I know exactly how you feel because that's exactly how I feel right now. People are friendly at church but don't go out of their way to involve me and 2 out of 3 times (ok, 2.5 out of 3 times) when I open my mouth they look at me like I have 3 heads. It is really hard. When my visiting teachers asked how I was settling in last month I just said, bluntly, "I feel like I'm on the outskirts of the ward and that I don't fit in." Very shocked visiting teachers, let me tell you! Here's what I have been doing and it seems to have been helping--serving. Visiting teaching is just about the best antidote for feeling friendless, IMO. I love getting in there and getting to know my sisters. It makes me feel more a part of the ward. Plus I think it is very important to have an active calling when you are feeling out of things. People, myself included, have a hard time changing their routines so serving alongside someone is an excellent way to become friends and gradually become part of each other's lives. If you don't have an active calling (ie not something solitary like ward bulliten typer) then I would talk to the Bishop and see if there's something more active you can do.

Big hugs! It's hard feeling like the odd one out, but remember that this too shall pass!!!

Marianne

__________________
Terrified, mortified, petrified, stupefied... by you!
--"A Beautiful Mind"

Well, I sure don't want a more involved calling right now - I'm compassionate service leader. Sometimes I wish I didn't even have that to worry about!

I know I'm not the only one who probably wishes people would call her up and do things one-on-one with. I think an even bigger fear for me than the fear of rejection is the fear of commitment. This is something my visiting teacher and I talked about, too. I don't *want* to feel commited to do something with someone even when I don't want to, and I hate "making up" excuses. Most of the time, I just want to be at home and do my own thing. I think I'm actually nervous that if I gain a close friend, I'll feel obligated to do things with that person frequently, even if I don't want to. I remember a friend I had once who seemed to call me up every other week and ask if I wanted to go shopping with her, so excited that her husband was giving her a night off. I *hate* shopping, especially when I don't have money to spend. And I hate changing my plans spur-of-the-moment. But I never said that and would either just go or occasionally say I wasn't feeling good and wanted to stay home that night. That always made me feel so guilty. I guess I'm kind of a lousy friend, huh? I'm so comfortable in my own life and home, and only want to get out and socialize on an occasional basis. So when a friend does come along, and they want to do things more frequently, I let them down because I'm not willing to put out that much more effort for them.

And if I may laugh for a moment...LOL it sounds like I need to move closer to Shabs.

I guess I don't want just any friend, I want someone who really GETS what matters to me. I don't mind that people are different, but having someone share my interests would really make me feel less solitary and lonely. The good thing about message board relationships is that I can come and go as I please, nobody expects anything extra of me.

Sigh.

I'm just thinking out loud here. I feel guilty enough right now about being a fairly bad friend to other women, and then turning around and saying I want someone who will be there for me, so I hope nobody will make me feel worse about it. This is definitely something that will take me a long time to work on.

__________________
Becky
DH Jesse
DD Melinda, Oct. 16, 2003
DS Jacob, Aug. 14, 2005
#3 due March 26, 2008

You should! We'd make great friends because what you've describe is EXACTLY how I am, lol! I don't like having to be commited to something just to dissapoint someone, lol. I think that's why I've not gone out on a limb to make some more friends really. My once a month thing game time already has me "tied" so to speak with getting together with some friends.

I like the freedom to know someones there without always having to do something with them (which lucky for me I DO have a few friends from High School like that and I think we understand that we probably won't do stuff all the time but we're always there if we need each other).

Anyway you're always welcomed here lol!

__________________

Shabs
Christopher 4-01
Connor 5-03
Kaitlee 9-06

Brooke and Brennon 11-99

I am hesitating posting here because I am an inactive member. I hope what you hear from me you understand comes from a place of love and mutual understanding. You are not alone. It is *part* of a very complicated reason I am inactive. I have done a lot of soul searching and it is the biggest part of why I am scared to go back to church. I feel that if I go back and I am unable to connect with the members there that it will no longer be my issue and I am not ready to give up that hope. I want to share with you my ideas because your testamony is precious and in a way I wanted you to know that if unchecked this can hurt your spirit. I would NEVER wish that on anyone.

Have you tried finding someone and just making them your friend? I mean don't give them a choice. Is there a working mother in your ward who also does not have a ton of free time but would welcome the occasional double date or to sit by and not have all the akward get to know you chit chat at church activities? Maybe if you subtly set these boundaries at the front of the friendship you will not have to deal with the uncomfortable phone calls wanted you to do unpleasant activities for you. (btw I agree with you about shopping ) I think once you breakthrough with one person it will feel much more comfortable around everyone else. When you have different priorities it is amplified when you are alone in the situation and don't have anyone who understands where you are coming from.

Personally I tend to isolate and it is very uncomfortable for me to be new in any environment. I am lucky to have a very outgoing and funny DH who "makes" couple friends for us. Does your DH hang out with anyone in priesthood? Does he know any couples that you can hang out with? He knows you the best and he would be able to break the ice.

It also sounds like you are away from your family and that must be hard. When I moved away from my family it was so much harder to adjust to a ward that I was not a member of my whole life and I had to start off fresh with everyone and that is a very lonely place.

I hope that you find one very lucky sister to be your friend and to share the bond of past/present/and future with. You sound like a very fun person and I remember you from the due in August board. Peace to your soul!

__________________

dance dance revomootion

looking for adventure anywhere I can

Kim (32) I forgot my own age.

I am not trying to bash you, but I am sure this might be part of your problem. I know when I do reach out to others (which can be hard for me), its hard when people are 'too busy' or 'not feeling good' or whatever. If I get that once or twice from the same person, then I"ll stop calling them.

And word can spread...there is this one girl I know here who is always saying she wants friends, but if you invite her somewhere, 90% of the time, she has a reason she won't go. Its usually that she feels like staying home. She is a homebody and I understand that, but people have pretty much stopped inviting her places because they figure she is just going to say no anyway.

Again, she does come sometimes, but since most of the time she says no, people get tired of that. For me, I get kind of hurt when people say no without a reason (not if they say "no" once mind you, but a few times, "just because") because it takes a lot of guts for me to put myself out there, and rejection is hard.

Anyway, this girl hardly gets invited anywhere by anyone now--and when new people move here, they quickly figure out from others that there is no point in trying to befriend her because she is not really "there" for anyone else. She is a great person and an awesome VT and attends RS activities and such...but...well, I guess I just think that in order to have a friend, you have to be one too.

Not saying you aren't a good friend or can't be one--just that you might have turned down good opportunities if you say "no" to the invitations of others. When this one gal I know says she wants friends to do stuff with, I just feel its partially her own fault for turning others away. I really do hope you meet a friend that meets your needs though! I really do.

__________________

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I know what you mean about being a homebody. I'm the same way. Esp. because my issues with fatigue mean that some sort of outing pretty much takes up all my energy allotment for the day! I don't necessarily need activities to do during the week either as I'm very busy with work, home, family etc. but I do miss having my chat-on-the-phone friends and feeling like people somehow "get" me. I know what you're saying. Personally, I think the more we get to know people the more we see our similarities and the more we "get" it. I'd just keep plugging away and find your niche in this group of sisters. That's what I'm trying to do anyhow!

__________________
Terrified, mortified, petrified, stupefied... by you!
--"A Beautiful Mind"

PS I think that although compassionate service leader is a very busy calling it's still pretty solitary. You're calling people and arranging things, but you aren't serving alongside someone on a weekly basis, KWIM? I think those callings can be kind of isolating in that way.

Marianne

__________________
Terrified, mortified, petrified, stupefied... by you!
--"A Beautiful Mind"

__________________

Suzanne, I'm so sad that that has been your experience with the church. It just makes me hope and pray that I can do better at understanding the people around me, even if their lives/experiences/opinions are different from mine.

Marianne

__________________
Terrified, mortified, petrified, stupefied... by you!
--"A Beautiful Mind"

Sweetie, don't fret over this. YOu have to remember one thing when it comes to church services: "You go to worship God, and not to socialize."

However, socializing is critical, and what you have described is a description of me, but my reasoning is deeply embedded by the fact that some very inappropriate behaviors of classmates at church through the 1970's are the root cause.

For this, I'm social phobic, but at the same time, I'm also a firm believer that one must face your fears in some degree but not all.

For this reason to protect myself and preserve good mental health I rarely attend Home Enrichment meetings. This is for two reasons. 1. I cannot see well to drive at night. I pose a danger to myself and others and will not drive. sure, he catch a ride with another sister works, but not for me. The reason is due in part that my heart skips a beat at some point, and I panic and feel like I have no way to escape. If I go I bring my own car, or ask my own family to bring me.

Another reason is one bad habit I did notice over the years even though it is intended for good and for fun is that you get, The nich groups. SOmetimes with or without intentions sisters that don't fit into the norm.......such as young mothers, in your case wives of Dr's ......... and it suddenly makes me feel unwelcome and I simply don't want to be there.

So I just hate it when I get assigned to bring Cookies, juice or the like to a meeting I don't want to be to.

However, for important business, such as Relief Society presidency meetings just before.....if I have a function I'll be there if I can because I take my callings seriously.


Quilting bee's? THey are just out for me. I lack coordination, and patients.
and I really don't feel nights like these are for me.

During the day time, I would probably make a bigger effort to be there because I know I need physical stimulation to cope with the Bi-Bolar Mania Depressive disease that I have inherited.

So sorry, ladies, I really understand the Don't fit in post here, more than some could possibly know, and yet I know there are other people who've experienced much worse things in childhood than having a pair of ill behaved church classmates as I did.

But it's not only that. THere are physical complications. Bi-Bolar is a "Don't mess with disease." It means that an individual with it must always know what your body needs.

So please, don't take it to heart that you don't fit in. The conversations at home enrichment meetings are petty, but your devotion to God and caring for your family isn't.

Anyone reading this, please understand that the difficulty is with the "Me" for anyone with the disease, and not everyone else around here.

Just think of it this way. God placed you, your family in your wards midst because this is your opportunity to help them learn how to help you, and vise versa.

I'll never forget when my mother and father moved into a ward filled with M.D's and my father was not. My little sister was extremely ill, and had no money. A dr. was assigned to be their home teacher, and I remember distinctly that my mother worried out loud that they didn't fit in because they owed money to the doctors, and had none to give at present.
I then said to my mother, "Mom, this is their opportunity to give what they've learned to you free of charge on a church basis. Don't take the Dr's opportunity to serve away. I know it's late, but he is your home teacher. Get on the phone and tell him that you want a blessing for Kathy, and if he wants to give treatment other than that if he knows what's wrong allow him to do it.
It turned out to be the most happy experience of my mother's life living in that new ward. The Dr's were graciously serving the Lord.

So I pray that you will learn from your ward, learn from these forums, scriptures, and good people and family around you.

Take care.
LadyLynn

Hey there--I hope you don't think it's too ironic that I'm replying to this post... seeing as how I'm originally from Maryland, my husband is in vaccine research, and I owe a lot of my health to Johns Hopkins! lol. I think I understand your situation in an opposite situation, if that makes sense. When I was in Idaho and Utah for school, I ran into a lot of people who are very different from me. I guess what I wanted to tell you was what I learned: simply because we are members of the same church does not mean we have anything else in common and that we'll be friends. I also think that you can find something in common with absolutely anyone if you try hard enough (if that's what you're concerned about). I think everyone has (or will) feel out of place at church for one reason or another. Just continue to be yourself and let people believe what they wish, and hopefully they'll respect you for your feelings as well.

Oh, and one other thing--other moms understand that you have two little ones and that you can't just drop everything and "hang out" with them all the time. That's not what being a friend is about. You have a life and responsbilities.

Good luck!

__________________

It's not just what you are suggesting, there are deeper issues. such as gossip going, and the nich in the ditch. Women tend to collect around their friends during these meetings because they are comfortable, but seldom do they go out on a limb and make a person who doesn't frequently attend feel welcome.

As for me, I flat out refuse to attend the meeting if it is being held in the dead of night.
If required to bring cookies, cake or punch I'll send it over to a sister who is going.

Even though there are times I have the urge to attend to learn, but above all to socialize with the other women I don't handle the behaviors going around me, or my anxieties going on around me well so I would much rather be at home in my safe, comfortable place.

However, that's just me. I'm sure there are thousands of women who can attend enrichment meetings without any anxiety attatchments. The program is well worth it, and should be continued.

But personally, I don't handle the meetings well, and you don't have any idea how difficult it is to explain that you don't attend Enrichment meetings to a Relief Society President when you moved from one small city to one that's several hundered miles from where you lived before.