Five Love Languages

pwfaith · #1 (**permalink**) 06-01-2006, 06:38 AM

5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman

Words: 1 Cor 8:1 says that love builds up. One way to express love emotionally is to say words that encourage the other person: 'You look nice in that outfit' or 'You did a good job' or 'I really appreciate what you did'

Quality Time: In this love language undivided attention is crucial. Simply being in the same room watching television doesn't count. Looking at each other and talking, or taking a walk together, or going out for dinner and talking are quality exchanges.

Gifts: Some years ago, I did a master's degree in anthropology. We studied nonliterate people all over the world and found that gift giving is a universal part of the love-marriage process. The gift says 'He was thinking about me when we were apart.' The size of the gift is not important. It's the giving that expresses love.

Actions: 1 John 3:18 says 'My children, let us love not merely in words - let us love in practice' (Phillips). We express love when we do something for others they would like. Chores such as washing a car, cooking a meal, vacuuming a floor or painting a bedroom can be ways to say, 'I love you.'

Physical touch: Physical touch has always been a way of communicating love. In marriage this includes holding hands, kissing and embracing as well as the sexual act.

Checking on Love

I suggest that for the next two weeks you and your spouse play a little game called 'Tank Check.' After work, one says to the other, 'Zero to Ten, how is your love tank today?' An answer of 10 means the person feels secure and loved. Anything less than that requires the response: 'What can I do to help fill it?'

Gary D. Chapman is director of Marriage and Family Life Consultants, Inc. in Winston-Salem.

Personal Questions:

1. What do you request the most from your spouse?

2. What does your spouse do for you that makes you feel the most loves?

3. What does your spouse do (or not do) that hurts you the most?

4. What do you desire most of all from your spouse?

5. What do you do to express love to your spouse?

Dicussion questions:

1. After learning about the love languages, what do you think your primary love language is?

2. What do you think your secondary love language is?

3. What do you think your spouse's primary love language is?

4. Secondary?

What types of things can you do to make deposits in your spouse's love tank?

Can you think of a situation in your relationship where knowing about these love languages may have made a difference? How?

pwfaith · #2 (**permalink**) 06-01-2006, 06:43 AM

Personal Questions:

1. What do you request the most from your spouse?

time & assistance

2. What does your spouse do for you that makes you feel the most loves?

sits with me on the bed, sofa, car etc and listens to me ramble on and on; praises the things I do to me and others

3. What does your spouse do (or not do) that hurts you the most?

critical sarcasm

4. What do you desire most of all from your spouse?

attention, notice the things I do, big and little

5. What do you do to express love to your spouse?

keep the house clean, specifically the kitchen and dining room; instigate sex more often

Dicussion questions:

1. After learning about the love languages, what do you think your primary love language is?

words

2. What do you think your secondary love language is?

quality time

3. What do you think your spouse's primary love language is?

physical touch

4. Secondary?

actions

What types of things can you do to make deposits in your spouse's love tank?

keeping the house up, cuddle, instigating sex

Can you think of a situation in your relationship where knowing about these love languages may have made a difference? How?

our first 4 yrs of marriage

Becky Beth · #3 (**permalink**) 06-03-2006, 06:49 AM

Thats great.

I am going to print it off and have a good read of it, as I missed some parts.

Would go well with the Love and Respect book.

Thanks for sharing.

I now I am so late, but Congratultions on teh girl!

momof4boys · #4 (**permalink**) 06-03-2006, 01:33 PM

Personal Questions:

1. What do you request the most from your spouse?

I will ask him for help if I need it, but generally I don't have to ask. He respects me and will help me without being asked. I don't have to request much.

2. What does your spouse do for you that makes you feel the most loves?

He tells me everyday how much he loves me.

3. What does your spouse do (or not do) that hurts you the most?

not sure

4. What do you desire most of all from your spouse?

Love.

5. What do you do to express love to your spouse?

I tell him how much I love him.

Dicussion questions:

1. After learning about the love languages, what do you think your primary love language is?

They are all equally important. And they go for both husbands AND wives. We are each other's equal, each other's soul mate, each other's helpmate. I love the fact that niether of us is above the other, that is what a marriage is about. Loving, respecting, understanding...helping.

What types of things can you do to make deposits in your spouse's love tank?

Probably instigate the romance a little more.

Can you think of a situation in your relationship where knowing about these love languages may have made a difference? How?

No. We have been pretty much been the same since we got married. As our marriage vows stated, we are loving and cherishing each other everyday.

Kim

pwfaith · #5 (**permalink**) 06-04-2006, 01:54 PM

Just so you understand this has nothing to do with being "equals". Yes, each language is equally important, this is more about communication. Not everyone communicates the same way, esp husbands to wives and wives to husbands. Maybe some of the info from the book and author will help explain it a bit more...

The desire for romantic love in marriage is deeply rooted in our psychological makeup. Almost every popular magazine has at least one article each issue on keeping love alive in a marriage. Bookes abound on the subject. Television and radio talk shows deal with it. Keeping love alive inour marriage is serious business.

With all the books, magazines, and practical help available, why is it that so few couples seem to have found the secret to keeping love alive after the wedding? Why is that a couple can attend a communication workship, hear wonderful ideas on how to enhance communication, return home, and find themsevles totally unable to implement the communication patterns demonstrated? How is that we read a magazine on "101 Ways to Express Love to Your Spouse," select two or three ways that seem especially good to us, try them, and our spouse doesn't even acknowledge our effort/ We give up on teh other 98 ways and go back to life as usual.

The answer to those questions is the purpose of this book. IT is not that the books and articles already published are not helpful. The problem is that we have overlooked one fundamental truth: People speak different love languages.

In the area of linguistics, there are major languages groups Japanese, chinese, Spanish, English, Portuguese, Greek, German, French, and so on. Most of us grow up learnign the language of our parents adn siblings, which becomes our primary or native tongue. Later, we may learn additional languages but usually with much more effort. These become our secondary languages. We speak and understand best our native language. We feel most comfortable speaking that language. The more we use a secondary language, the more comfortable we become conversing in it. If we speak only our primary language and encounter someone else who speaks only his or her primary language, which is different from ours, our communication will be limited. We must rely on pointing, grunitng, drawing pictures, or acting out our ideas. We can communicate, but it is awkward. Language differences are part and parcel of human culture. If we are to communicate effectively across cultural lines we must learn the language of those with whom we wish to communicate.

In the area of love, it is similar. Your emotional love language and the language of your spouse may be as different as Chinese from English. No matter how hard you try to express love in English, if your spouse understands Chinese, you will never understand how to love each other. Just being sincere is not enough. We must be willing to learn our spouse's primary love language if we are to be effective communicators of love.

My conclusio after thirty years of marriage counseling is that there are basically five emotional love languages - five ways that people speak and understand emotional love. In the field of linguistics a language may have numerous dialects or variations. Similarly, within the five basic emotional love languages, there are many dialects. The important thing is to speak the love language of your spouse.

Seldom do a husband and wife have the same primary emotional love language. We tend to speak our primary love language, and we become confused when our spouse does not understand what we are communicating. We are expressing our love, but the message does not come through because we are speaking what, to them, is a foreign language. Therein lies the fundamental problem, and it is the purpose of this book to offer a solution.

Are you and your spouse speaking the same language? He send you flowers when what you really want is time to talk. She gives you a hug when what you really need is a home-cooked meal. The problem isn't your love-it's your love language!

In this international best seller, Dr. Gary Chapman reveals how different people express love in different ways. What speaks volumes to you may be meaningless to your spouse. But here, at last, is the key to understanding each other's unique needs. Apply the right principles, learn the right language, and soon you'll know the profound satisfaction and joy of being able to express your love - and feeling truly loved in return.

http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/

momof4boys · #6 (**permalink**) 06-04-2006, 02:05 PM

Just so you understand this has nothing to do with being "equals".

Oh my bad, I thought this had to do with marriage. MY marriage is equal in every aspect, from chores to work, to our language.

I'm not interested in re-visiting this issue with you. On the debate board, I was trying to drop it by saying I agreed to disagree and you obviously didn't want it to end with your "what fun would that be" comment. You and I don't see eye to eye on what marriage means, that is obvious. As long as God is leading them, that is all that matters.

pwfaith · #7 (**permalink**) 06-04-2006, 06:20 PM

I don't want to debate you here either Kim. I just wanted to make sure you understood what the book was about since some of your answers didn't really seem to make sense inlight of the book and topic. Again it has nothing to do with being "equal". One love language is not any better or worse than another, just as english is not better or worse than , chinese, Spanish, Portuguese, Greek, German, French, or any other language. It's all about how we communicate to other ppl, and how we communicate to each other in our marriages emotionally and in 'love'. I understand and get that your marriage is 'equal'. That has nothing to do with this thread. This is totally seperate from the whole "submission" "housewife" stuff. If you read the quote, GREAT! Hopefully you understand the book more. It's a great book, top seller.

I personally think it makes a lot of sense, it did for me. To understand that my husband is one who "speaks" more emotionally/lovingly through acts and physical touch helped me to not only "talk" to him that way but understand what he was "saying" to me. For him to know and understand I don't speak that "language" helps him to talk to me in mine (words/quality time). It just helps us communicate with one another better, more effectively so that we're on the same page more and have a deeper level of communication, understanding and love.

Again the book has nothing to do with "equality", "submission", etc. It's all about communication. Not everyone speaks the same "language".

momof4boys · #8 (**permalink**) 06-04-2006, 07:32 PM

since some of your answers didn't really seem to make sense

Good grief. Nothing I seem to say "makes any sense" to you. It makes perfect sense to me.

My marriage(as I have told you several times)is equal in EVERY aspect, including communication. There are some things that we can both work on, but for the most part we do very well.