Hi Everyone,

I'm kind of new around here but wanted some advice. I have a friend who I've been friends with for about 4 months. We've really gotten to know eachother and hang out alot. My DH and "her" boyfriend are both Professional Wrestlers so we met at a show, hang out together, they would come over almost every weekend and her and her boyfriend have both grown on us.

Well, she JUST turned 19, he (her boyfriend) is 32. Okay, BIG age difference, but sometimes that can be a bad thing and sometimes it doesnt' matter, well, in this case, I think it does matter. So, here's my problem. Back in June, she asked me (now she is from a different country and has been VERY VERY sheltered) how to get a pregnancy test. I told her go to Walmart and buy one OTC like EPT. Well, she took my advice and did. It came out POSITIVE. Ok, no biggie, I had my first one when I was 19. Well, she has a heart problem and is on medication to control it. She went to her family doctor, told him she was pregnant and SUPPOSEDLY he told her to go abort the pregnancy. I don't buy that as her BOYFRIEND has said the "abortion" word since day one. I dont know of many dr's who "tell you to go get an abortion" If it truly were because of her heart condition, he would have admitted her into a hospital and had it done under the direct supervision of a CARDIOLOGIST, an anesthesiaologist (SP?), etc. Anyway, she was taking her heart meds off and on (she really didn't want to have the abortion, I dont' think) because she didn't want to hurt the baby but sometimes would really need the meds. I told her to get her butt into a OBGYN's office but instead, her dumb @ss boyfriend was worried about getting her into a butcher shop.

See, he is 32, lives in an apt with mommy and daddy, and already has a 7 year old son that he doens't support and COMPLAINED from day ONE if she has this kid, he'll be supporting his already son AND THIS ONE til they are both 18! See, I think his whole point was the money issue. Not whether her health was at risk or not. I informed both of them that dr's work around ALL KINDS of pregnancy problems such as: heart conditions, kidney conditions, diabetics, epilepsy, siezures, etc. and that she would be no different from any of these other people but her "boyfriend" insisted that she MUST have an abortion.

Well, they both think highly of me as my husband and I do quite well, have 2 wonderful children and have a nice house and are quite nice people. See, I'm a little sneaky when I want to be. I knew that abortion wasn't right in this case (I really don't beleive in them at all) and I knew that he wanted her to get one, so they asked me where should she go. I told her to go to a place that I know of who are prolife (they didn't know this) and told them (my friends) that they have a ton of info about abortions (they do, how horrible they are and how they suck the brains right out of your baby to crush it's skull to make it come out because the baby is too big to be suctioned out). SO, she went, they gave her all the horrible info about it and she was scared to death to have an abortion and said she could never let anyone do that to her or her baby (she was 20 weeks pregnant). I was sooo proud of myself.

That ignorant "boyfriend" of hers got a hold of her, kept her away from here and talked her into getting one as it would "be in HER best interest." Anyway, she finally went and had it done when she was DUE THREE MONTHS AND THREE WEEKS! LESS THAN 4 MONTHS AND THE BABY WOULD'VE BEEN HERE! It made me soo sick! I know this sounds terrible but I was hoping since she went to a Butcher shop to get one, she would have a heart attack on the table! (It's mean, I know, but I'm so angry, that baby was OVER 5 months!)

So, here's my question, she is really nice, I kind of feel bad for her because I truly think her "boyfriend" pressured her into it as she's sooo young, been so sheltered, so nieve (SP?), etc. I think I hate him more for it. He's older, 32, been around the block so many times he REFUSES to tell her how many sex partners he's even had, has a 7 year old that he already doesn't take care of, etc. I don't want to lose her as a friend, although I don't agree with and can't accept what she has done. It's not like I can "forget" about her either because I will still see her at every show and she has absolultey NO friends as she's shy and doesn't speak English very well. What would you guys do? I don't know how to handle this situation.

While I do believe in abortion and a woman's right to make decisions about her health privacy and reproduction choices, I do not believe in being forced to make a decision based on what someone else "thinks" is best for you.
If you truly like this girl, be straight up with her, don't be sneaky ( as I think that's almost as bad as what he's doing.) Make sure she is given ALL the information from BOTH/all sides. If she wants to keep this child because she wants to, then show her that you support her right to make that decision. Convince here to go to her cardiologist and discuss this. Offer to go with her ( to the doctors or the clinic to discuss her medical options concerning her health while carrying this child) especially if she is at all intimidatd by the boyfriend. If she decides to get an abortion accept that it is also her right to make that choice. The boyfreind is a scumbag if he is more concerned with money than the health of his girlfriend, and she's propbably better off without him. It sounds to me like you and the boyfriend are trying to decide what's best for her, yet neither of you have asked her what she wants. Have you? She needs help, help her if you can, if you can't ,then try and send her to someone who can.

and to address this If you can't accept what she has done ( if she gets an abortion), chances are you will lose her as a friend.

A real friend, supports there friend, regardless of the decisions, as they are her's to make. Good luck. I hope your friend does what's best for herself.

Well, in my first post, she did get the abortion. I truly think that she did want to keep the baby. She never directly said it but she has always been taught "obey the man" as a lot of cultures teach. I think she was scared to say it but you can tell by the things she would say such as, "I really need to take my medicine but I'm afraid it'll hurt the baby". Now, if she was truly planning on or wanting an abortion, she wouldn't have cared if it hurt the baby or not,right? You're gonna kill it anyways, so why worry if you mess it up? I know that sounds mean, but I don't think abortion should be used as a form of birth control. Which is exactly what they (he) was doing. She doesn't have insurance so going to a GYN to get on the pill wasn't within their budget. They (HE) tried telling me that they used condoms, but how many times have alot of us had one break? I've been sexually active for 10 YEARS and I've never had one break. (not saying it didn't but HIGHLY unlikely)

I do like your point that if I can't support her then I will lose her as a friend. That's a good point that I never thought of. When I said I sent her to that place being sneaky,I didn't mean it in a bad way.I sent her there because to me, she was acting like she did want to keep the baby. I (we) knew that the boyfriend didn't want her to do that. So, I thought if I sent her to a place like that, she could take home all the sick info involving abortions and share it with him so he would know EXACTLY what he was asking HER to go through. I looked it up at http://www.pregnancycenters.org/abortion.html and it's not very nice. I thought that maybe if she grew a spine to stand up to him, then maybe he wouldn't "pressure or force" her into one.

But she didn't do that. I was trying to give them the info that the abortion centers don't tell you. They DON'T tell you that there is a 1% chance that you can hear the baby cry if it doesn't die during the abortion procedure. I spoke to my OBGYN about her and he is the one that informed me that the babies don't always die during the procedure, that is what prompted me to look up this info. They don't tell you that your chances for breast cancer are greater, they don't tell you that some of the babies body parts aren't always removed and get left behind and all the other terrible things that go along with it. While I do beleive that it is a woman's choice to do what they want with "thier" body, we're talking about somebody else's body-the baby. God (now I'm not religious) says that he has a plan for everybody and he doesn't give you more than what you can handle. I went back up to the prolife center that I sent her to and they gave me a booklet about healing after an abortion and I read some of it. So maybe I could understand what it is she is exactly going through. I do think I will take your advice though and just tell her that I can't accept what she's done and that will be the end of the story. I just don't think I can look her in the eye and pretend that everything is ok. I'm an honest person and when it comes to my feelings, I can't not tell her what I think. Thanks for the advice.

I am sorry.

I must clarify. I have had an abortion, so I do know what it is like. I was fully informed before I obtained one and I think you are caught up in some of the typical sterotypes concerning abortion. Some of them being nothing more thn inflammatory propaganda.

I hope things work out for her, and you. If you can't be honest with her, you have to let the friendship go. It's sad really, but you both have to do what's best for you. Good luck.

I'm not being stereotype, I was just simply supplying her with information that is well known and available, if you have access to it. She's just been very sheltered and is obviously with someone who's been around the block. I was laying all of her cards on the table, presenting Facts is not being stereotype.

I think that her and her boyfriend have already figured it out. They keep calling and I won't accept their calls and her boyfriend left a message saying something about "If I couldn't accept it, he's sorry.....blah, blah, blah" one of those types of messages. So, I'm pretty sure I don't even have to say words to express how I feel, I think they got the picture.

okay, you asked for advise. This is how I saw it based on your writing, sorry you don't agree.

Personally aside from everything else you are talking about, you claim to be her friend, then you set her up to go to some place that only shares your views??? I think that is horrible. I am not stating that being prolife or for abortion is right one way or the other. A true friend would never shove their beliefs on someone like that. You should have sent her to an unbiased place such as Planned Parenthood or some place that would have told her about the pros & cons of both choices. B/c wether you like it or not, the law states right not that we as women have the right to choose wether we want to be prolife or for abortion. But how can one make an informed decision if people shove their beliefs in others faces?

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