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I love my husband. I do. At times, I also HATE him. And, frankly, he often gives me a LOT more reasons to loathe him than to love him.

He's extremely possessive and controlling of me. Sure, the possessiveness can seem flattering for about 2 seconds before it turns into a HUGE pain in the rump! We had a fight once 'cause I smiled at a man(who was probably about my dad's age) in church, and as it happens when I give a normal smile, my teeth showed. My husband felt that showing this guy my teeth as I smiled was an open invitation to let the guy into my pants. WTH?

The way I see it, unless it's a VERY loose turtleneck, NOTHING I wear is appropriate in my hubby's eyes. EVERYTHING is too tight or too low cut... A nun's habit would be way too sexy. I have NORMAL sized breasts, nothing hugely spectacular, but my husband thinks that EVERY man in the world is breaking his neck to get a peek at ME. I. Don't. Think. So. We have had SOOOO many fights about clothing. I try to be as easy-going as I can, and adapt MY wardrobe to HIS standards, but frankly, if my outfit is even remotely flattering, he's gonna pout about it. Or make comments, or remind me constantly to watch out for my top 'cause when he takes his finger and PULLS on the neckline, he's able to see cleavage. I'm not "allowed" to wear thongs 'cause he thinks they're slutty, when frankly I just like the fact that unlike most regular undies, thongs prevent my behind from looking like there are FOUR cheeks!

A few years ago, he bought me some really cute, actually ATTRACTIVE outfits for my birthday. It was QUITE a surprise,and I was thrilled. One of the sweaters in this mix is adorable, w/ really bright colors. BECAUSE it is so memorable, I don't wear it all the time, 'cause folks would be like"Didn't she wear that 2 days ago?" Well, I put it on the other day, and he actually picked a fight with me about it. He felt that i shouldn't want to wear that sweater, that it was too sexy. HE BOUGHT IT FOR ME!!! AND, he bought it for me before I had my son, when I actually had C-cup breasts. Now my B-cups are much less.... EYE-CATCHING.... And yet, he had a problem with it. A few days later, we had the SAME argument about ANOTHER (rather loose) sweater that he bought for me.

In the past, he's even tried to train me to WALK differently. He felt that I walked "hard-footed" on purpose to make my boobs bounce. First off, I wear a good, supportive bra, and second, I do NOT think jiggly boobs are attractive... That's embarrassing!! Still, he actually tried get me to WALK differently!

This past Mother's Day, we were going to a nice dinner w/ the whole family (including my mom and his mom among other family members)at a rather upscale restaurant. This was my 2nd Mother's Day as a mommy. I am SOOO happy to be a mommy, and wanted it for so long, that Mother's Day is espescially joyful to me. While I do wear make-up on a daily basis(not a ton, just enough to make me look presentable), I rarely bother doing anything w/ my hair, I don't normally even blow-dry it. Well, for Mother's Day, I decided to use hot rollers to give my lank locks a bit of body. He actually copped an attitude with me about this. He pretty much felt that my making my hair look nice was a slap in the face to him. All I did was put a little bit of volume in my hair for MOTHER'S DAY. Seriously. I might as well have had sex w/ the waiter right there at dinner the way my husband reacted.

I love him. I do. But I think he's sick. I KNOW he needs help, as he is a very very angry person. It takes absolutely NOTHING to set him off. I never know when I'm gonna be dealing with Mr. Pissy... I spend my life walking on eggshells trying not to tick him off, and I am SOOOO tired of being the one who compromises EVERYTHING.

This is a rant, but don't get me wrong, he DOES have some good points... But I am in NO mood to list those here. I am grateful to have a husband and a child, and I know that for ME(I certainly don't believe all other women do or should feel this way), life would be much less fulfilling on my own.... but what's wrong with wanting to feel attractive for ME and my OWN self esteem? I am NO Angelina Jolie, I'm just an ordinary girl-next-door who wouldn't mind feeling pretty now and then. And frankly, since I give up "feeling pretty" on a daily basis, why can't he just cut me slack and be okay with it every now and then? Am I wrong here? HELP!! I seriously have the urge to punch him in the face. I don't need to wear skin-tight or low cut clothing, I just wanna look cute. I'm only 28!! I'm not ready to purchase my clothing at Old-Lady-Land!!! That reminds me, his 72-year-old mother(she's so cute!) has a nice figure, espescially for a lady her age and there are outfits SHE wears that DH would NOT be okay w/ my wearing. Seriously, I kid you NOT!

Last year, I came down with a case of the Shingles called Ramsay Hunt Syndrome. Not only was I in severe pain, but the entire left half of my face was completely paralyzed. On his behalf, I'll let ya know that DH truly took very good care of me, and had to take on MY workload at our business as well as handle his own. I could just barely maintain taking care of our son during the day... it was extreme pain, dizziness, it was aweful. Well, my BIRTHDAY fell during all of this, around the time I was starting to FEEL better, and trying to wean myself off painkillers, but the left half of my face was completely paralyzed. Well, we were gonna go for my birthday dinner that night w/ my folks. When DH got home, I had taken the trouble to put on a little makeup for the first time in WEEKS. He was actuallly DISSAPOINTED that i had put make up on, and had hoped that I'd stop wearing it. HALF my face was frozen, I look VERY wierd, I just wanted to cover my dang pimples so I didn't feel COMPLTELY repulsive!! ARG!

He doesn't let me have complete access to our family photos. He has them horded on the computer under his log-in. I FINALLY talked him into putting copies of our CHILD'S photos under my log-in, but that was only recently, and our kid is TWO. To top it off, we have a SCRAPBOOK STORE. We are the owners and managers of this store based on designing w/ your personal photos, and I can't even have access to my own photos!

He's also controlling about letting me put photos of EVEN MYSELF up on SheKnows, myspace or facebook. He has a weird paranoia about posting pics on the internet. My highschool class(1999) has it's own facebook page, where everyone was posting fun highschool pics. Graduation, prom, senior trip, all that fun stuff. I posted a few photos on there(thankfully, he can't keep me away from my photos from before I met him!), and he made me take them ALL down, including pics I wasn't even in. Keep in mind, NONE of the photos were offensive or innappropriate, just friendly pics of me and my highschool friends. He was FURIOUS for my posting these, and I am furious he made me take them down. They don't have ANYTHING to do with him, and my friends really got a kick outta them before DH made me remove 'em. Frankly, I'm gonna be a little vain and say that I would LIKE to post a current photo of myself on my facebook to show my highschool pals that I turned out okay. I'm NOT the ugly duckling I felt like in highschool, and I want my class to know it. Not to mention how badly I want to share photos of my precious little boy!! Like every mommy, I think my child is the most gorgeous creature ever born, and I am DYING to show him off... but nope, even the joy of THAT is sucked away from me.

I feel like I am doing all the "respecting" and "obeying" in this marriage.

He won't even watch his mouth in front of our 2-year-old!! He uses the "F" bomb on a daily basis, which is bad enough, but he also regularly takes my Lord's precious and Holy name in vain. Bad enough that he does those things at ALL, but he does them in front of our child!! So, before my child even reached his 2nd b-day, I heard the F word come out of his mouth!! DH DOES tell our son that cussing is a BAD choice, and my son has learned to NOT use that language, but DH keeps right on going w/ the potty mouth. It embarrasses me, and it makes me angry. But he DOES NOT CARE what the heck I say, and the fact that having our TODDLER repeat those foul words didn't affect DH makes me CRAZY!

Running a business w/ my DH is NOT the easiest thing in the world. The blessing is, I get to spend more time at hoem w/ my son than I would otherwise, and I can actually do a lot of my work from home. However, any time i make the TINIEST mistake, it's blown entirely out of proportion. I gave a customer a freebie mug the other day, not realizing that DH had decided to start SELLING these mugs that had originally been meant for freebies. He reemed me out for about 15 minutes before I gently pointed out that I didn't realize the mugs were FOR SALE, no longer giveaways. He then called me a motherf*cker(he LOVES to call me all kinds of horrible names: c*nt, b*tch, Motherf*cker, @sshole, etc.). He gets angry at me over EVERYTHING, and thinks it's okay to call me those names if he's the slightest bit annoyed. Today, when he called me that name, I told him that I would hafta hang up on him for calling me that uncalled-for name, but if he wanted to call back and apologize, I'd be happy to listen. Yeah, right, I won't hold my breath.

Wow, if anyone actually made it through this entire rotten rant, thank you so much!! DH refuses to go to marriage counseling with me. I've told him HE could choose the counselor, it doesn't hafta be a woman, just GO tO THERAPY w/ me!! He won't go. I believe it's 'cause he KNOWS he's in the wrong, and doesn't want that fact to be verfied by a professionaly. It hurts that he doesn't love me enough to do this. I really think it'd help us SO MUCH! Besides leaving/divorcing the poor jerk, does anyone have any advice on how to handle a husband like mine? I pray and I pray and I pray, but I just don't know how to help him be.... better. I seriously feel that medications would be helpful to him, but he would NEVER go to a shrink.

Advice, commiseration, a hug... all are welcome !! Thanks for letting me get all this off my b-cupped chest!!