hi there! i wanted to know if someone can spare me their opinion about this. i went on dh's computer and did a little snooping. well, i found out on one of his google searches that he searched some adult website. this website has women advertising themselves for services. it was also flagged as one of his favorites. now, me & dh had an issue with this before. i caught him the same way through snooping in his computer. he said it wasnt him, that it was his brother. he knows how i feel about finding stuff like this on his computer. it makes me nauseated to think that he goes on that website for who knows what?! he said to me before that he will not let that happen again.

so after a while, he seemed to be behaving and i let my guard down and stopped checking his computer. now, i had to start this all over again because i had to be the little snoop. i am so upset and have that nauseated feeling again. i confronted him about it and he said he was just curious? yeah right?! i dont believe him. so thanks to him, i am on his tail about every little thing. i just dont understand it. why does he do stuff like this? i dont know what to think or feel?!

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I'm the queen of the house

Twins Jacob & Jonah born 11-15-05

I would be just as upset about it all as you are... DH did that once to me and I told him if he ever did it agian I would divorce him... Since that's pretty much adultery... And he hasn't done it since that I know of.

I would sit him down and ask him why he has been doing it.

*Lurking from DIN*


Not sure how I found this post, I clicked, and there it was..kinda wierd actually. Anyways, I know it's been awhile since you posted, so not sure you"ll get this or not, but here goes.

I've been dealing with much the same thing for about 3.5 years now with my H. We've split up twice over it, and are currently back together, but it hasn't been easy. I find I don't trust him at all, think he's always lying, etc. He was very much into looking at adult sites, mostly when I was sleeping, etc. i always found out by snooping, or by accident when I'm looking for something else. He would usually deny it untill confronted with hard proof, and then of course, promise it wouldn't ever happen again.. it always did. Secretly, I'm waiting for it to happen again this time too... I so know that naseous feeling your talking about, and I feel it coming on everytime i suspect something...it's been about 4 months now since I found anything.
i agree that it's just about adultry, but many don't share that opinion, I'm afraid. I would say that one time, ok... maybe if you say how much it bothers you, the guy will understand and give it up. But, I think when it reoccurs over & over, it might not be something that will ever go away. They tell me there's such a thing as an addiction to these things, and I don't know if I buy into that or not, but I do know that the threat of loosing a family wasn't enough for my H. Even after we got back together shortly before the birth of our son, I found out he had brought pictures on a disc with him when he moved back in.

Good luck with whatever happens.
Jenn

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"Big" Brother Elijah

How do you check Google searches anyway? Is it just the history folder? We've got our computer set not to save the history right now. I have to admit, I've Googled some strange stuff and I think it would kinda embarrass me to have DH looking at my searches.

Yep it's all logged in the history

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Not to butt in here, but, *I* personally don't care what my man looks at on the internet. He is coming to bed with me anyway. And on top of that.... if I felt that I had to snoop, and that I didn't trust my man... well, sorry but there is no relationship. He would be out the door.

I agree with RockerMama. I think getting upset over someone looking at pictures on the internet is ridiculous and only shows your own insecurity.

I don't care what my husband looks at on the internet as long as he doesn't make personal contact (ie meeting someone, talking to someone, etc.). Looking at some pictures never hurt anyone.

To call this adultry is simply unbelievable to me. You are only going to drive your man away doing things like snopping in his computer and then getting upset over some pictures.

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Allison
Mother to Jessica, Joshua, Hannah and Nickolas

I just wanted to clarify things a little here....It wasn't just plain old porn pictures. C'mon...that i can handle. It was a website www.cityvibe.com (it was a site where women advertised themselves for professional services)?? Now, what do you think?! Is it still my silly insecurities? BTW, I used the wrong choice of words. I wasn't snooping. I simply did a google search on something and all the searches popped up. It's not like I went deep into his c:/ drive files looking around.

Wow.
I went through some of the same things. I ended up finding a letter ripped up in the garbage. It was by accident that I found it, but anyways check out the site in my signature...It may help..
Tam

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InternetDetectives

Not to start anything, but to those of you who "don't care"... think of it this way.... when you are in bed with your DH, do you want him concentrating on you and him, or do want him thinking about some hot chic he saw naked, fantasizing about that while he's with you?? Personally, I like to think that my DH is only seeing me in his minds eye. I don't think that makes me insecure at all. I'd almost go as far as to say that society looks at it as "normal" for men to look at whatever they want... and all that does is pressure women to try to compete with what their man looks at, and it breeds insecurity. And, yes, pictures are just pictures... but then again, when I said my vows, I commited myself to him, mind, body & soul. To me that means, among other things, that I shouldn't let my thoughts wander to all the other people in this world that might look better without clothes on then he does.
If a couple is in the agreement that it isn't an issue, then it isn't. But if one person has a problem with it, the other should be considerate enough to understand that. If it's important enough to him to look at these sites, to the extent of loosing his wife, then there's were the real problem lies... in his commitment to her & his marraige. And, it goes without saying, if it expands to more then pictures, it's a whole other story... in Mama2babyboy's & mine case... it wasn't "just pictures"...


Sorry, but that's just my opinion.

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"Big" Brother Elijah

I agree society puts an impression out that it is ok. I think he should be thinking about who he is with, not someone else.

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InternetDetectives

I definitely think there is a difference between a regular "porn" site and a site where you can contact or even "hire" a woman. Is there any evidence that he is contacting these women, or is he only looking? I would have an issue with it either way, though. If I were in this situation that computer would be out the door so fast it would break the sound barrier. Period. What is more important, your marriage or the internet?

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[

Jennifer,
I totally agree with you.

For those of you who think it's ok, that's your insecurity. Women should not abide by societies standards that men just think with their downstairs and that's it's perfectly acceptable. Women just excuse men's behavior all the time because society says they have "needs". Whatever. It's women like that that make marriages more difficult.

When I first married my husband, he had a second screenname. I SNOOPED right on it, and TOLD him I did. His screenname had NOTHING but adult sites on it, and I immediately told him to delete it and he did. I knew at this point he hadn't signed on in months and he doesn't do that now, thank goodness, but me not wanting my DH to look at naked women is NOT an insecurity, it's called being normal.

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Melissa


My princess Emma Marie is HERE 5 weeks early!

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it's true, unfortunately, lots of people are addicted to porn and thanks to the good ole world wide web, they have access to it 24/7. the only thing we can control is ourselves and how we allow people or situations to affect us. so, if your mate is doing something you think is repulsive and threating for your relationship, i'd say it's time to bring about a change. one thing men clearly understand and relate to is consistency. if you consistently ignore deplorable behavior, they will continue to demonstrate it. after all, we really do teach people how to treat us!

I was sent this link by a friend who thought I could help... Porn can be very addictive, my dh has a porn addiction, well he is in recovery. The behaviours that come with it are not nice, including lying (often becomes more then just about covering porn, eg: stealing money from dw handbang then lying about it), they can be emotionally and veribly abusive etc.

It is adultry, its going out side the marriage for sexual pleasure, (Dr Phil's web site says its adultry if, you wont do it with your partner watching (hiding it) or goes out side the marriage). I think thats fair enough explained no matter what back ground you come from.

Once trust is broken its very hard to earn back and takes a great deal of time, more so if its been broken over and over.

I see porn a problem in the house as your children can find it. Saying goes 'porn doesn't decrimanate it treats every one like adults'.

Porn addiction can lead to seeking sexual relationships or on stands out side the marriage. Ppl who are addicted need a harder and harder fix, can lead to viewing child porn etc.
Porn addictions are like being atticted to a drug.

Important thing to know, as the partner to a porn addict, you are not the cause of his addiction. You could be a super model and your hubby will still look at porn. Its not you its him. He wont be able to recovery till he can fully admit its a problem. Best to get yourself counslling. And hopefully hubby will too.

Porn is used to hide in, its a quick fix for pain, stress etc so normally there is an underlying issue that causes the person to use it to excape whatever it might be.

However the hurt from feeling rejected, being lyed too etc is real.

Some good sites, yes they are Christian based but very good...
www.xxxchurch.com and www.partnersforpurity.com

God Bless

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May God Bless You!

Wife, to Matt
Mother Ellie, Wo and Zacy

I think that is very rude of you to call her insecure. She has a problem and does not need you knocking her down.

Good luck in finding a solution. I also have dealt with this with my DH (bf at the time). It has nothing to do with you. It's them.
Your welcome to PM me if you like.

I have to agree here!

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Couldnt have said it better Jenn.

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I noticed this post is a few month ago, but I wanted to leave a word on this.
I was with someone for 5 years, we had this same issue. He would look at porn online, or rent movies, and not tell me about it. The first time I found out was when I was pregnant with our first son. He was an insomniac and was awake at strange hours, so I didn't think anything of it when I woke up in the middle of the night and he wasn't in bed, I went out to the living room and as I come down the hall I can hear the movie. I went back to my room, made kinda a show of opening the door so that he could hear me coming and this time he's watching infomercials. Over the years, similar things would happen. I would wake up to find him watch porn on the tv or computer, I would hop on his computer to check email and there would be porn sites still up. Every time I asked him about it, he had an excuse. It was an accident, he clicked the wrong thing, it ws a friends' movie, he didn't know what was on it... I tried to ignore it, but it hurt. Especially because he was no longer as engaged or as intimate with me. He also cheated on me over the years too, in fact he had a baby with someone else while we were together. He also became emotionally, mentally, and verbally abusive.
The whole time I was with him I tried to stand by the arguement that it was just porn, just pictures, it didn't mean anything. But like another poster stated, anything you hide or wouldn't do in front of the other is cheating.
Nothing made this as clear as finding a man that respects me enough to be open and honest with me about everything. Including porn.
To me, that's what it comes down to. Respect and honesty. If he doesn't respect you enough not only to be open about it, but to also be honest, than that in and of its self will create trust issues.
My view, having been through this, if he will not stop at least the hidding and the lies, and will not get counseling, you will have a hard choice to make.
And if you ever feel the need to just talk with someone, feel free to contact me directly.

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This is a difficult topic. Post an update to let us know how it goes.

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Tennille (30)
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