Sperm Donors

A Squared · #1 (**permalink**) 01-04-2007, 02:26 PM

Since I'm back on the market for another sperm donor, it made me wonder what qualities were important in the donor you chose.

I'm finding that for some donors, I get turned off by something weird they say in their profile, that probably shouldn't matter (b/c it's not inherited)--but then again, we are going to use an "open" donor, so our child might have to deal with the donor's idiosyncracies. Anyway....

1. Did you use fresh/frozen sperm?
2. If you used frozen, did you choose an "open" donor or anonymous?
3. Did physical resemblence of the donor to you/your partner matter?
4. Did any specific health history criteria matter to you?
5. Did any specific personality traits of the donor matter to you?

Care75 · #2 (**permalink**) 01-04-2007, 02:38 PM

1. Did you use fresh/frozen sperm?
We've only used frozen sperm.

2. If you used frozen, did you choose an "open" donor or anonymous?
I'm not sure what it means with "open". I think our donors (we used 1 for over a year and then changed to choice #2) both said they could be contacted at 18.

3. Did physical resemblence of the donor to you/your partner matter?
We kind of blended our features. I am brown hair/blue eyed, DP is blondish hair/brown eyes. We chose a donor with light brown hair/blue eyes.

4. Did any specific health history criteria matter to you?
We looked for not a lot of cancer, heart disease, etc. If it was present, we looked for it to appear at later ages.

5. Did any specific personality traits of the donor matter to you?
Suz wanted someone musical and athletic. Health was more important to me. Both of our donors answered their "why they decided to become a donor" question that it was because they had a friend who had struggled with infertility and wanted to help. I liked that.

If possible, also consider success rates etc. When we did IVF, I wanted to be sure that our donor had had success with IVF. He had.

Good luck!

A Squared · #3 (**permalink**) 01-04-2007, 04:17 PM

I should answer my own questions:

1. Did you use fresh/frozen sperm?
Frozen sperm. Too many potential legal issues with fresh, although we did consider using DP's brother, who initially agreed and then backed out when his gf had qualms.

2. If you used frozen, did you choose an "open" donor or anonymous?
We are choosing to use an open donor (aka willing to be known donor), who agrees to speak to our child at least once, when the kid is 18. We thought a child might have questions and they have a right to have them answered.

3. Did physical resemblence of the donor to you/your partner matter?
DP really wants our donor to have blue eyes (both our eyes are blue) b/c she feels like people won't think the kid is hers if it does not have blue eyes. I kept pushing for someone with a darker complexion than me (i.e., no blue eyes) because I am pasty pale and skin cancer is in my family. I lost this one. So, our kid will probably be transparent!

4. Did any specific health history criteria matter to you?
I am CMV- and the RE said the donor also has to be CMV-. This limited us a lot. Also, I have maternal breast cancer in my family and lots of heart/cardiovascular problems. The RE really wants me to avoid these--not easy to do. I feel very reticent about any donor with cancer in his family, since a couple people close to me have been diagnosed with cancer (and died).

5. Did any specific personality traits of the donor matter to you?
In the optimal world, I would like a donor who is someone I would enjoy talking to. I am a bit shy, so I would prefer a more outgoing donor. I also want him to be funny, kind, intelligent, hard-working, gorgeous.......

Okay, so I am unrealistic. But the bottom line is, I try to choose someone who I think I could have a good conversation with. So how on earth does a person try to assess these personality characteristics in a 20 page profile that is mostly medical info? Should it even matter? I try to intellectualize myself out of letting these things matter, but it still does. Who wants 50% of their child's genes to come from a mean, unintelligent, slacker, loner? Am I awful or what?

Oh yeah, if they don't have a pregnancy, they are pretty much ruled out , since it is well known among sperm banks that some guys have great numbers, but no pregnancies. That rules out another significant percent of men.

2moms2be · #4 (**permalink**) 01-05-2007, 07:15 AM

1. Did you use fresh/frozen sperm?
Frozen

2. If you used frozen, did you choose an "open" donor or anonymous?
I wanted open, but there was a problem with that...there were way to few choices. I will be buying more sperm in the next week or two and I will try again, but I am more concerned for other characteristics and I know that may make me really selfish, but I really want a child and do not want to worry myself over things that "may" happen 15-18 years from now...i know selfish.
(a- you made me laugh with the transparent remark, we will have a transparent child too)

4. Did any specific health history criteria matter to you?
Heath was/is most important, then we look for someone that matches DPs physical characteristics. Looked for someone with not a lot of cancer and heart problems as well.

5. Did any specific personality traits of the donor matter to you? Most of the donors at our bank have audios you can listen to and we really would be turned off by someone with a poor speech pattern or that sound.... not so bright.

YES- Positive preg. was the 1st thing we looked for...

joanna · #5 (**permalink**) 01-05-2007, 08:23 AM

1. Did you use fresh/frozen sperm?
Frozen. There really was no question. We were both a little creeped out by the idea of knowing the donor and the potential complications that can arise.

2. If you used frozen, did you choose an "open" donor or anonymous?
Anonymous. I really wanted to use an open donor, and at first my partner was ok with that. Then she started getting wierd about it and didn't think she'd fully feel like a parent with the child having the option to meet their biological father. In the end I decided other things (like health history) were more important anyways.

3. Did physical resemblence of the donor to you/your partner matter?
We wanted someone tall as I'm short and Sandy is 6 foot. She has red hair and green eyes and I really wanted a donor that matched that. She vetoed the red hair but the donor does have green eyes.

4. Did any specific health history criteria matter to you?
I have a long list of things I looked for, but the two biggest ones were no history of heart attacks or breast cancer before 50.

5. Did any specific personality traits of the donor matter to you?
Not really. In fact towards the end (we've picked and used 6 different donors) we didn't even look at that information. We would look at staff impressions which would usually give us an idea of looks.

As a side note, Sandy got final say on all donors. I would narrow them down and she would pick. That's why if she said no it didn't happen. It's not like our relationship is normaly that way.

A Squared · #6 (**permalink**) 01-05-2007, 05:30 PM

Your answers to my questions have been so interesting. I am really intrigued about how lesbians make choices about their sperm donors.

Joanna, I like using the staff impressions too. It gives you a hint about their personality and appearance that are not always apparent in the profiles. I, too, give my partner final say, although we are usually in complete agreement after an initial search. She said blue eyes and over 5'10" and I complied (btw, my partner is small, as am I. She just thinks tall is better!). I think it's interesting that as you've moved from donor to donor, you've given less consideration to personality. I felt myself being moved more towards health issues this time around.

Patty, I know using an open donor is very limiting. Sometimes I wonder if it is worth it. I don't think it is selfish not to use one. There are good reasons for going either way with that decision. Who knows if they will even be able to find the donor in 18 years? I like using the written part from the donors to assess them (and their intellect). It can be insightful, but it can also turn you off for the strangest reasons (one guy said if he could meet any woman, he would meet Eve so he could ask why she ate the forbidden fruit. I took one look at that and vetoed him). The new donor we are looking at has an audio available. We haven't listened yet, but may when we find out if we need to buy more vials. I've listened to some and again, they can make you really like or dislike a donor.

2moms2be · #7 (**permalink**) 01-05-2007, 06:53 PM

We like the staff impressions too!!!

Care75 · #8 (**permalink**) 01-05-2007, 07:28 PM

Both of the ladies in the cryobank we use, on separate occasions said that our donor is their "favorite". I take this to mean he's pretty cute!