March Chatty Thread

[Tasha521]

LD- I actually didn't ask the donor at all. DP works with his girlfriend and while DP was asking male coworkers his girlfriend offered his services. They have been together since high school and had no problem offerering medical history. They are kind of a hippie couple, very open minded and fun loving people. They aren't ready to have children just yet but thought it would be cool to be involved in something like this. Sometimes they come to the house together and sometimes he will come by himself. It got a lot more comfortable as the months went on though it's also VERY frustrating for all of us that it hasn't worked thus far. Sperm banks are just way too expensive right now. We just bought a house and are kind of still working out the difference between the bills for an apartment and the bills for a home (it's so much different). Don't know what we will do at this point....

Hermatite- thought about asking for a sperm analysis but we are pretty sure that it's him. I have been through all kinds of tests and there isn't a reason that I shouldn't be getting pregnant which is why the insurance company won't fund IVF. Finding a new donor is difficult for me. I am a germaphobe, I lost my mom to HIV and it's hard for me to accept any bodily fluids from other people(sorry for the TMI) It makes DP very upset that I am that way but until you watch someone die from it that's close to you, you tend to feel as if you are immune to it and that is how she acts. It's very easy for her to offer up MY body to anyone willing to give sperm but I don't think that she would be so willing if it were her body that had to go through all of this. Sperm is always a touchy subject in this house. All we can do is see what happens next.....

[hematite153]

Tasha--Believe me, I understand the "bodily fluids in my body" issue. One of the reasons we consider donor sperm worthwhile is the extra safety. In order to be available in the Canadian market (even from American sperm banks) donors have to test safe 6 months after every deposit was made in order for it to be used. (The American standard is to release all donations after the 2nd test at 6 months--i.e. including the one that's a month old. I've often wondered why American women would take that risk--of course you can get around it by only considering "Canadian compliant" donors.)

If you are almost certain that the problem is your donor, then a sperm analysis seems really useful. What if the SA says his numbers are fine? Then, your insurance company wouldn't be able to blame it on him anymore. Or, what if he's fine, but, you don't test him and switch to donor sperm. Then, a year from now, you'd be back in this same spot.

I have talked with women who moved onto IVF and found that they actually had a fertility problem that could only be diagnosed with IVF. I.e. extra hard cell membranes that require ICSI to penetrate, Care75 has talked about poor cytoplasm quality, etc. If you could prove it isn't him, then you'd know to look elsewhere.

Of course, you might prove that it is him, but, that could be useful information too.

For background: I am thinking about this from our perspective. We've been working on getting pregnant for 4 years and it is taking a serious toll. We started with my DW and then switched to me. Had we been smarter and started with me, without any intention of switching to my DW then we'd either have gotten pregnant or hit IVF sooner. It all makes me focus on how to avoid going in circles and wasting time.

Whatever you decide to do, I'll have my fingers crossed for you.

[NikJSD]

Thank you for being so kind! I'm not sure if I see this as a long run thing - I'd like to think so but we are nowhere near that point yet. She wants children but she wants to carry,so I think she is dissasociated from the thought of me doing it. She gets aggravated by me talking about possible symptons... so I try not to bring it up - but it's driving me nuts!

So I wait 10 days to test .... I want to justify 10 days from the first insem which was 7 days ago.... as opposed to 10 days from today!!! aaarrgh....

I was naseaus and weepy all day today - this happened to me last month too... I feel like I am losing my mind!

Does anyone have any advice on what they say or plan to say to their children about being born from a donor?

Nik

[Tasha521]

Nik- I guess everyone has their own way of explaining things to children. My way has always been "honesty is the best policy". As long as the child knows that he/she was wanted more than anything else in the world and was loved even before it was known that he/she was even a bean in your belly then I believe things will be fine. Children are always smarter than we give them credit for. I will say this, I would rather have to tell my child that he/she was conceived using a donor than to have to say I don't know where your father is...but that's just my opinion. Lots of children have fathers and still can't reach out and touch them. If you have one loving parent you are the most blessed person in the world and if you have two (no matter what gender) well I guess you should just be over the moon that those two people would give their own life to make the world a better place to grow up in.

[2moms2be]

Tasha- i am so sorry to hear about your mom. That is so sad. I can totally understand how that would make you VERY careful.

Nik- do you know when you O'ed? If you can pinpoint that then it would wait AT LEAST 10 days after that. If you are not sure, then it is MUCH harder. What are u using to detect ovulation? Chrting? POAS?

I do agree with Hemitite, I think you should get your donor tested just rule him out. It can be very frustating to run in circles. Been there done that! I definately had some egg issues. We got over 20 eggs duing IVF, only 12 were mature, and only ONE embro made it to blast....we were VERY VERY lucky that that one was really good. If it is notyour donor, then you can move onto IVF and that is the quickest way to ge pg.

[robin7361]

ditto on what tasha said about telling our kids where they came from. i think shame is projected. if we are comfortable with our choices, then they will be too. kids aren't born with shame; it's absorbed from their environment.

nik: good luck with your wait. ugh. it's kind of terrible.

we'll be inseminating for cycle two in about 9-10 days. even though it's only cycle two, i'm feeling a little pressure because i know my wife doesn't want to go to really extreme measures to get pregnant, nor can we afford to keep buying sperm. we've sort of decided to do three tries, then regroup and maybe do three more. our insurance pays for 6 insems, but of course, not the sperm. it's also still up in the air whether we need to pay hundreds of dollars in copays or if the doc will just accept what the insurance reimburses. i think how long we try depends on how much it costs and how long it goes on. my wife is 48 and already nervous about being too old to parent. (i'm almost 34, though.)

sigh.

good vibes to all trying and waiting.

[LauraH]

Nik - I agree that honesty is the best policy. We are telling our son that he has 2 moms and there was a really nice man (anonymous donor) who helped us to make him.

Tasha - sorry about your mom. It's an awful disease.

Good luck everyone I was exactly where you all are - felling I would never have a baby & now he's here! Hang in there



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[NikJSD]

Thanks Tasha,

That is my approach also, I just wondered if it had been a topic of discussion on here previously. Because my donor is a friend - he will have some contact with any child I concieve - I am interested to see how he will interact, any developing relationship will be a bonus to me - but if there is no attachment on his part - that is ok with me also - as it puts me in the same situation as if I had an unknown donor from a bank.

So last night was my last "donation" for this cycle. Now the wait begins... I am excited today and def. no longer feel sad and weepy - LOL!!! My hormones are all over the map!!!

Is anyone else begining their two week wait???

Love to you all, thanks for being here!!!

Nik

xxx