This weekend is going to be rough. It is my 5 year anniversary today and while DH and I are thrilled to be celebrating, I can't help but think gosh we've been married for 5 years and we don't have any kids. I spent so much time trying to NOT get pregnant telling myself and my family-We will start when we are 28-that seems like such a joke now. Yes, we both have great stable careers, own a nice big house-but who gives a crap?? We don't have kids to share it with.
Obviously, it is mother's day. My grandmother is sick so DH and I are going to spend our anniversary weekend in my hometown to see my grandmother. I am also going to avoid my sister who should be coming down as well. My sister is pregnant and due in July. That whole situation chaps my tail. She got pregnant by a man that my whole family hates-she was going to marry him but decided to call the wedding off-but then got pregnant. I spent hours and hours on the phone with her when she called off the wedding as she talked about how he worked too much, how he didn't treat her welll, how he didn't pay her any attention, how he was gone half the year with work so if they did have kids she would have to raise them by herself-so when she got pregnant it was such a surprise. The crack between she and I started when I was discussing with her what she was going to do, and her reply was-you're just acting this way because I'm pregnant and you can't get pregnant..... The social know how simply was not there and when she said that it just killed off a part of me. She was defensive so she was attacking me-and of course the reason why I was discussing her plan with her had nothing to do with the countless hours I spent on the phone while she cried her eyes out about what she didn't want but was headed right for. (grrrrrr)
Then when we found out about my DH's varicocile's my mother told my sister-which I didn't want to happen-and then she told someone else who then told me. Yes-drama-I know. Then she denied it and continues to deny it even when I have the angry email she sent to the girl about how she shouldn't have told me and how she made a bad situation worse.
Now-I am sorry-but again that social know how simply isn't there. You don't talk about someone's personal life-much less intimiate details about a personal life crisis. She was so far out of line and then her continuous denial just infuriates me further so I have nothing to do with her. I didn't attend her last minute wedding either and I am refusing to go to her baby shower. I don't need family to be destructuve in my life right now and she has gone over and beyond the line of a sister. She isn't understanding of my situation and my life right now. She made a comment to my mother about "she hates me because I'm pregnant" playing the victim card so I called her to try to clear that up (before all the email drama) and she got crappy with me so I told her I would send her an article about infertility that I have and her comment was-yea-send me your f****ing article, I may read it.
HOW INAPPROPRIATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So I'm done.
Another close friend of mine is pregnant-she went off the pill and BOOM became pregnant. I have removed myself some from her too. She doesn't know about our fertility issues, but she knows that we have been trying since last summer. Her myspace says "welcome to babyville". I can't even handle that right now.
So I'm struggling today.

__________________
[b]DH 30-low sperm count 5 million ~Sobs~


Had SA on 1/22/2008-found out low sperm count.
2/8/2008-DH starts taking Fertility Blend and L-Carnatine to assist in low count
2/14/2008-SA analysis again-yep-count still sucked!
2/21/2008-appointment with urologist found varicocile
3/3/2008-Surgery for varicocile-Doctor found TWO varicociles and had the buggers removed.
DH on Clomid for the next 3 months
4/9/2008-DH's testosterone went from 303 to 827!!
June-DH's counts are to 23 million!!
IUI 7/9/08 count 9 mill post wash
7/19/08
BETA 7/22/08-50
BETA 7/24/08

Every night you cry yourself to sleep thinking why does this happen to me? Why does every moment have to be so hard??

Oh, Brookelyn . . . I'm so sorry you are going through this. We have been struggling with MFI, too - and varicocele surgery wasn't an option for us. In the time we were trying, EVERYONE around me was getting pregnant. My SIL had an "oops" 2nd child, and 4 of my best friends all got pg (most of them after 2-3 months trying, and 1 of them was even 40 and she got pg that quickly!!).

I'm sorry your sister has been so insensitive and offensive about this whole thing. It is so hard not to be emotional right now, and every little comment does have a way of breaking your heart a bit - I've been there and I know exactly how you feel. We ended up doing IVF, and we were lucky - that worked for us. But we went through a lot to get to that point, and we had the big added pressure of time and age screaming at us. Along the way, I worked hard to harden myself to everyone else's good fortune, because I didn't want to alienate myself from everyone in my life having babies. It wasn't easy, and some days I did just want to die and avoid everyone - particularly at baby showers. But, I pushed through it - put on a good face for the world. I poured everything into my nieces . . . loving them, buying stuff for them. I spent many days crying about it, but in the end, I'm so glad that I still have my close friends that I can turn to now about baby stuff. I think not feeling alienated and alone on top of the sadness I had about our infertility was a good thing . . . even when it wasn't the easy thing.

I just went to a bbq last weekend - and I know if we weren't pregnant, that would have been an AWFUL day for me. The strange thing is I still felt that sadness, even though I know we are pregnant now. I'm not sure those moments will ever change for me - that biting pain is so real, and I think the frustration is even worse when you are dealing with MFI . . . it just feels so out of your control.

__________________

Thanks TKeys-you are so right about the MFI, this has almost killed me. It certainly has knocked me on my tail. I walk around smiling most of the time, but I really just have to throw all of this out here-I couldn't stomache it anymore.

I applaud your ability to go to baby showers and still be in there. I simply can't do it. I won't do it for my sister-she has burned that bridge on my opinion. But for my other girlfriend, I can't take all the baby talk and her picture on myspace is of her and my other girlfriend rubbing her belly. I can't do it.

I remember laying on the beach last summer with my girlfriend that is pregnant now talking about my OKs and what all we were doing and she did not want to get pregnant, but the minute she tries---
I just keep thinking that perhaps I should start smoking crack and shooting heroine. Crackheads appear to get pregnant very easily.

__________________
[b]DH 30-low sperm count 5 million ~Sobs~


Had SA on 1/22/2008-found out low sperm count.
2/8/2008-DH starts taking Fertility Blend and L-Carnatine to assist in low count
2/14/2008-SA analysis again-yep-count still sucked!
2/21/2008-appointment with urologist found varicocile
3/3/2008-Surgery for varicocile-Doctor found TWO varicociles and had the buggers removed.
DH on Clomid for the next 3 months
4/9/2008-DH's testosterone went from 303 to 827!!
June-DH's counts are to 23 million!!
IUI 7/9/08 count 9 mill post wash
7/19/08
BETA 7/22/08-50
BETA 7/24/08

Every night you cry yourself to sleep thinking why does this happen to me? Why does every moment have to be so hard??

I'm so sorry you're feeling so down! I see you're RE appt is coming up. Hopefully, they'll be able to give you some answers and get you on your way to a BFP!

__________________

I hear you . . . I found that I couldn't discuss it with most of my friends. I did find that when I was starting to withdraw . . . I just felt worse. I really felt alone, and it made me that much more bitter and angry. I started to feel like I was being beaten by infertility, and I just refused to let it rule my life. So, I got aggressive about treatment. We only did 2 IUIs, and then we moved on to IVF. I just pushed ahead and did everything in my power to get us pregnant. But, we spent about 7 months waiting in there, and it was long and tough. I think one of my worst days was shopping for baby furniture for my SIL the day after I found out or s/a results. NOT a good day, but she never knew it.

My SIL didn't have trouble getting pg this time around . . . but she did have a m/c when they were first trying, and it took them another year to get pg again. And in that time, her father died. So, I guess what that says to me is that some people may have an easy time getting pregnant, but then other bad things happen to them in other walks of life . . . death in the family, or job problems, or money issues. So I've tried to just face the challenges we have . . . and remember that life isn't necessarily easy for those people that have no problems ttc. I know that doesn't make it better . . . but somehow the perspective can help me be more thankful.

Hang in there . . . you will get through to the other side, although sometimes it just doesn't feel that way. I hope the varicocele surgery works for you!

__________________

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. Everyone in this board understands the pain of TTC to one degree or another. I know in the beginning, TTC can be fun especially when you are naive to any problems that could prevent pregnancy, but once you find out things like MF, your whole world comes crashing down. Luckily, we have Tkeys on this board who has shown us that you can get pregnant, even with difficult odds. So we all look forward to the day that medical intervention can help us get a baby growing inside of us. I wish you the best of luck and hope things will turn around for you soon.
I do have a sister but she is only 19, but my biggest fear is that she will get pregnant before me even though she is not even married. For some it comes easy, but for those who do everything right, get married, buy a house, start a career, and then begin to start their families, those are the ones who have the trouble. Keep your head up and vent and talk to us anytime you need.

__________________

LOL @ crackheads. It's so true though! Why do all the unhealthiest people get pg??

__________________

I'm with you on that. My mom's side of the family were big partiers and every single girl in the family got pregnant in their teens while drinking and doing drugs. I was the only one to go to college, GET MARRIED, and plan for a pregnancy and no baby for us yet.

__________________

Hang in there Brooklyn! I don't remember if I've told you over on the MFI board, but you should see huge improvement in DH's counts very soon! My DH was on Clomid before he had his varicocele repaired and it brought his counts from 5 million to 22 million in approximately 2 mths!!! Your BFP is right around the corner...I know the wait is a b****, but we have to be strong and pull through for ourselves and our future family.

I don't blame you a bit for your reaction to your sister....she would have gotten more than a piece of my mind. It shows just how immature she really is that she can accept the fact that she had gotten herself in a bad situation, but instead took her own frustrations out on you! I probably would have slugged my sister had she said anything like that to me.

Try to enjoy your anniversary weekend and remember all of the good memories you and DH have had that wouldn't be possible if you had been irresponsible like so many other people.

Infertility has caused very deep wounds that are going to take a while to heal and feel normal again... we need to take care of ourselves right now and "give the boot" to those who are too selfish to try to help us. If you ever need someone to talk to, PM me... I think our situations are very similiar.

You're in my thoughts and prayers!

__________________