Got the call from my best friend

Dance0704 · #1 (**permalink**) 11-27-2005, 12:56 PM

Yes, she tested positive.

She's 23 and off the pill one month, married just two months. So many parts of me are happy for her, but parts of me just struggle to make sense of it all. Don't get me wrong--I don't wish TTC difficulty on anyone, but I just don't get why there can't be some kind of great balance to the universe on this issue. Why is it so hard for some of us to build the families we long for, and others don't even have to "try." Of course, being 23 doesn't hurt, now does it. But I know that some young people have just as much difficulty.

Secretly, I had hoped that I would miraculously get pg on our first try, and she and I could be pg together. I've never had an IRL girlfriend to share this kind of thing with, and that would have been really special.

I know she felt bad telling me, and I don't want her to. I just hope that I can get pg before her baby comes. I think this will only get harder, as much as I want to be there for her.

maggiep. · #2 (**permalink**) 11-27-2005, 05:33 PM

Dear Julie,
The same thing just happened to me! My best friend who is my age, has 3 kids and did not want any more is suprisingly pregnant! This is a woman who has alone time with her husband maybe 1 time every 2 months! I am happy for her but part of me is so jealous of her. We have been trying for 2 years after our loss and nothing! Like you, I hope to be pregnant before she has her baby..maybe that will make it a little easier?
Heres hoping and praying that we just get pregnant soon!
Maggie

deeceetoo · #3 (**permalink**) 11-28-2005, 09:43 AM

{{{HUGS}}}

Oh, sweetie, don't be so harsh on yourself.

Think of it with any other part of your life:

You work so hard at your career. You do everything your boss wants and then some. You bust your butt working long hours and all weekend. And someone comes in with some stupid Duke MBA, and gets right into the spot you had been hoping to get. How would you feel?

You are standing in line waiting your turn for what seems like forever. you are next up when suddenly the cashier tells you she is closed and you will have to go to the next register. And as you turn to get there, others are already piling up and you start all over again. How would you feel?

We are creatures that believe that hard work and good deeds pay off. And so here we are. Working hard and for what? To suffer heart wrenching losses. To have our babies taken away. To not even be able to conceive!

In Conquering Infertility, Alice Domar notes that what we suffer is perceived in our minds as being equal to what cancer patients suffer. Not the same at all, yet our bodies will go through the same issues and depression that they do. That's the kind of toll that infertility takes on us. It doesn't matter how hard you try, every once in a while you have to look down and it's a bottomless abyss, and the bridge we are walking on sways like crazy and we can't see where it ends. And while most of us would say, when it's our job or a bad relationship, that we quit! We'll go where we are really appreciated. This isn't an option and it goes against what we normally would do. We're cornered and it's one of the the most difficult things you will ever have to deal with in your life!

Of course you don't wish anything bad for your friend, and you are happy for her. But when you've been standing in line for so long, you just want to be next. That's all. Just next. She can be after you. But just this once, you should come before anyone else.

Just make sure you let her know. She deserves that. And make sure she understands that this has nothing to do with her. It's about frustration and anger over YOUR situation, not hers. She loves you and I'm sure she will understand.

But you be good to you!!

Dance0704 · #4 (**permalink**) 11-28-2005, 11:01 AM

Wow, Dee. You are one profound woman. You'd think that after all the years of reading and obsessing I've done that I would have read and/or thought of that kind of an analogy by now, but that is seriously the first time I've seen/heard it written out that way. I guess we're also programmed to think that things should be "fair," aren't we? Thanks so much for all your kind words and thoughts.

Susan-smiles · #5 (**permalink**) 11-28-2005, 08:28 PM

Oh Julie! I understand in a round-about way. Three gals were pregnant and due within a week of when I was due with Miles. Seeing them made me ill.

Then my niece, who is 31, got pregnant accidentally with her 4th. She and her husband don't get along all that well and I was mad as hell when I found out.

It does seem all of this sort of thing happens when we are most vulnerable.

Big hugs!
Susan

P.S. I'm glad that you are back on the ttc wagon. Good things will happen, I just feel it!