Hi Ladies,

I've been lurking for a long time now, only posting once in a great while. You see this month marks that one year point for me. I am soooo incredibly depressed. I feel like someone has broken me and taken my heart. I've tried to explain it to my husband, and my friend at work, but they just don't get it. I mean my husband is bummed about it, but not as bad... He just keeps saying that we could adopt, which is a great plan, but it's just not the same... As my mother very rudley pointed out to me the other day. To make matters worse, I take this class on tuesdays, and it's an interactive class so you get to know everyone there.. and well the new semester just started and there are two newly pregnant ladies there. I overheard a conversation between them this week and the one just got married in November and was surprised to find out she was pregnant in December... While I am happy for her, and happy she has it so easy, I have to consider dropping the class because I just want to cry everytime I'm there. Last but not least, our health insurance from work doesn't cover any infertility testing or treatment; so we are totally and completely on our own here. AF is due next week, and I'm already sure it will be late like normal and have already had severe PMS symptoms... but don't get excited that it could be pregnancy symptoms cause my temps haven't made it up past 97.5 all month, this morning was 97.2. I have yet to find a chart with temps that low that are still preggo...


Sorry I wrote a while book, I just needed to vent, and maybe get a little support from those of you who have been in the same shoes...

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Hey Nicole

Dont worry matey, vent as much as you need to. I havent been looking here very long but one thing is for sure, everyone seems to support each other no matter what and this is the best place to get your feelings out in a place this is safe and where so many others know exactly what you are going through.

Sorry it is taking so long for you. Although I have three boys it has been a rough road. And your moment will come, trust in that. My eldest is now 12 and after having him so young (17) I decided to really protect myself and went on depo. Well one shot lasts three months so when we tried to conceive again I thought I would just go off it and wham! But Nooooo. The depo stayed in my system for another 9mths during which time I didnt ovulate at all!! So I had to have rounds of blood tests and exams to see what was going one but they wouldnt do that until I had been trying for a year. Luckily after the twelve months things started to come good but then we had two m/c's before finally getting baby No:2. So now I have a five year gap between them, not the way I had it planned in my head at all!!

It was a very dark time for me, very depressed after the first few months of not conceiving. Not knowing why was worse and having to wait that year with my AF so darn regular was hell. The pressure I put on myself and my poor DH was terrible but I couldnt give up. I couldnt understand what was wrong with me and everyone around me seemed to be pregnant or falling accidentally without any problems and I hated them. I was a good mum, I deserved another baby, why couldnt i have one?

After the second m/c I had to have a D&C as they were right after one another. I didnt want to go through that again so stopped trying and focused on getting a full time job instead - and wouldnt you know it? As soon as I did - I found out I was pg! (well about six weeks later) and it was mixed with such overwhelming happiness and fear, anxiety and confusion.

But the key unfortunately is to relax about it, not so easy done I know but sex became a chore to me, a baby making chore and I grew to resent it becasue it wasnt doing its job you know? So DH and I had to make it just fun again, having a nice meal at home , kids in bed early, having a few too many wines and just totally fooling around and being in love and enjoying each other again. It can really takes its toll when it consumes your life and you want it so bad. But dont give up and dont drop out of your class, focus on it and on doing well. You may find having something else to take your mind off ttc may just be what you need to make it happen.

I hope that I have helped and not offended you in any way.

Good Luck, lots of love and baby dust being wished your way!!

Kylie

Hi Nicole welcome back. I do remember your siggy from before. Love the puppy!

I can honestly tell you I have been there. I know all of the heartache that you are are going through personally. I know this may sound a little strange but, I find that when I am trying not to think about how bad I want a baby I don't feel so depressed about it. I've put up emotional blockers to block the negative thoughts that pop up in my head about anything baby related. Please don't quit your class like Kylie said inbrace your class. Then if those two girls get on your nerves come here and let it all out. Chances are we have been there too. We all can vent again about it together.

As for your cy's do you chart? Because that can tell you soooooo much about whats going on. You said you have severe pms. Have you told this to your qyn Dr? Could be endo, which could very well be covered under you insurance. I believe having dh's SA done is the least envasive and possible the less expensive of all treatments.
If its possible have you thought about alternative treatment?
I know you said your dh says you can always adopt. I know how you feel about this too. I've been one step ahead of you though. I've concidered it many times over the three years. I've researched all of this info only to come up with... Its not MY child(this isn't a big deal to me other then I wont experience the child birth which IS important.) Adoption is very expensive. If you could afford to adopt then you might as well pay for treatment. At least find out why.
Well this has turned out to be a novel so I'm going to quit.
Just know that you are NOT ALONE. There are a handfull of us that are still around even after more then a year. Stay positive! Keep that depression at bay. I've read that depression and ttc are a bad combo. Believe that you will be a mommy! Have Hope that one day all of this a pain and suffering will dull in compairison to the pain of labor.

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I know how you feel too. We have been trying 5 years this year.

I finally just gave up and decided not to let it bother me anymore...It had consumed far too much of my time and life.

I am still not completely finished with TTC, obviously I"m still posting around here...lol
But I try not to get angry or sad when everyone around me is pg, and there are new babies, and baby showers, and big ol pg bellies everywhere I look. It doesn't pay to be mad at them, it's not their fault we can't get pg, and it's not "our" baby they are pg with.

This journey has definately made me a stronger more patient person.
Hang in there, and try to stay positive. It is truly amazing how much better of a day you can have if you just decide to be positive. It is hard tho, I understand.
**hugs**

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Awww sweetie I'm so sorry your feeling this way and most of all going through this. This group of ladies has been a Godsend to me and my family. They TRUELY know what your feeling and going through, and we all care so much about eachother! Everything everyone else has already said I can repeat over and over. It doesnt make the pain or heartache any easier but just know we do know how you feel and we're always here to listen whenever you need to vent, OR hear about your happiness! I wish you all the best, I tried to get preg since I was about 18 (I'm 24 now) and finally got my blessing in 2004...just have faith that it WILL happen, but it will be in God's time not ours...I wish you tons of babydust sweetie! Stay STRONG

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You Ladies are the best. I don't know what I would do wihtout some place to vent where I know that almost anyone who reads this will actually know and understand the pain. It's so hard when noone you tell "get's it".

I was finally climbing out of my funk yesterday and then this morning for some stupid reason and of course what was it?!?! STUPID STUPID BFN! Ugh... Why did I have to do that to myself? So now tonight I am off to my class, knowing wihtout a doubt that I have nothing to be excited about, only knowing that I will have to listen to the other two ladies talking about everything that's happening to them and what they've bought and all that.

Ok, Now I'll get back to my day and hope I can make this black cloud that's following me around go away... I feel like that little cartoon guy with the cloud over him that stays there even as he moves, and the whole world is sunny around him...

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