I'm going to be leaving for a while...(x-post)

crystal4314 · #1 (**permalink**) 11-09-2005, 07:55 AM

i've been thinknig about this for a few weeks now. Now that we know what our next step will be, and that we have to wait until probably early 2007 before we can do it, I dont feel like i can put in the same level of commitement here as I did. I dont know that in the time that we have to wait I can handle talking about ttc stuff as much, or getting myself excited every cycle about a pG that wont happen for me.

i feel like i've spent all my life in this desperate search for motherhood, and i just dont feel I can do it anymore. i need to reclaim my life, to put behind me all the hurt and shame i feel over the IF. I need to put more effort into being myself, and a wife, daughter, sister and friend, rather than a potential mother. I've idolised the whole pregnancy and birth deal in my mind so much that I have felt that I am unworthy of such a miracle happening to me. i need to get back to a point of feeling that pg and birth isnt all roses, and that it will be hard and scary, rather than a whole string of enjoyable moments where everything falls into place perfectly. I figure that as I have to have a long break, I want to do it on my own terms.

i will pop in every now and then to see how you're all getting on, and you're more than welcome to email me if you want to (crystal4314@gmail.com). Hope great things happen for you all *hugs*

KellyBell · #2 (**permalink**) 11-09-2005, 02:41 PM

I know exactly where you are coming from Crystal, and I can totally relate to exactly how you feel. So in alot of ways, I am glad that DH and I quit trying. It took a huge load off both of our shoulders. Maybe it will do the same for you and Mads. Now when people ask me why I've been married 4 years and have no kids, I say I can't have any, and I leave it at that, cause they wouldn't understand everything DH and I have been through. And when they say "Well it will happen someday", I just say "But what if it doesn't? I'd rather go on thinking that it won't, and maybe someday having it suprise me, then to live my whole life for a big let down". I think this is what you need right now, and I can understand you having to stay away from the boards. I myself check here often, but more often than not, it upsets me to see all the people that started trying when I did, and they all have 2 kids and are trying for a third...when I don't even have any. Makes me jealous, when it shouldn't. But we're always here for you if you need anything, all you gotta do is ask. Good luck hun, and I wish great things for you. If you wanna talk you can email me faery_goddess19@hotmail.com

daisy0803 · #3 (**permalink**) 11-11-2005, 07:13 AM

I'm sorry. It is tough to break the habbit of trying all the time, but you are right it isn't healthy to have it consume your entire life. Best wishes.