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This is a discussion on Apparently BF causes Divorce now too! within the Breastfeeding forums, part of the Feeding Baby category; http://www.beliefnet.com/story/194/story_19451_1.html
Moms, Don't Forget to Feed Your Marriages
Why nurturing a passionate ...
Moms, Don't Forget to Feed Your Marriages
Why nurturing a passionate marriage is more important than breast-feeding.
The science section of The New York Times recently featured a lengthy study on breast-feeding and its benefits. Breast-feeding, the study found, helps reduce the chances of infection, cold, diarrhea, illness, and even later childhood obesity. No one argues with any of these benefits, but what the report neglects to mention, and what I have personally witnessed when counseling couples, is how breast-feeding can come between a husband and wife.
One of the episodes of "Shalom in the Home" this season featured a young couple in Pennsylvania who were madly in love when they married, but had slowly drifted apart after the birth of two children. Indeed, a Harvard University study maintains that a couples' love life decreases by 74 percent in the first year after the birth of a child. Now, given that sex is nearly dead in the American bedroom anyway, with national sex rates in marriage figuring at about once a week, a three-quarters decrease means that sex takes place once every few months—sparse pickings indeed.
With this particular couple, the situation was even worse. Their sex life had died completely, and one of the main causes was the mother's obsession with breast-feeding well into the child's eleventh month. The baby was attached to his mother like a limb, and he even slept with her every night, consigning her husband to a different bedroom.
I told the mother that in being so devoted to her son, she had committed the cardinal sin of marriage, which is to put someone else before her spouse, even if that someone is your child. Furthermore, I said, her obsession had turned one of her most attractive body parts into a feeding station, an attractive cafeteria rather than a scintillating piece of flesh.
In my book "Kosher Adultery," I make the point that infidelity is primarily a sin of omission rather than commission. It is not the bad thing you do that destroys a marriage, but all the good that you fail to do, preoccupied as you are with a sinful relationship that diverts your attention away from your spouse. Similarly, with the example of breast-feeding, a wife who spends a year giving all her emotional and physical affection to the baby has left her marriage a barren wasteland, bereft of romance and affection.
Obviously, breast-feeding is not the same as carrying on an extramarital affair. But when a mother gives her breasts to her son and takes them away from her husband, the effect on the marriage can feel the same.
I am surprised that when scientists discuss all the benefits of breast-feeding, they neglect its most negative consequence. If breast-feeding gets in the way of the marriage—if it means that a husband and wife never go out on dates, or that the mother is so tired from always waking up with the baby that she has no energy to ever be intimate with her husband—the child will probably end up worse off, however many colds or bouts with diarrhea he now avoids.
Dads--be there, but don't watch the birth.
Read more on page 2 »
The crisis we have in America is not undernourished children, it is undernourished marriages. And our kids are getting screwed up, not because of their infant nutrition, but because in most households, children rarely witness a father and mother who are still passionately in love with each other.
When I was a young boy, all I wanted to see was two parents who loved each other. A daily vitamin also would certainly have done me a world of good. But only my parents' happy marriage could have provided me with peace at my center and the more secure personality I sorely lack. I would take the diarrhea and cough any day over the permanent sense of brokenness that affects children of divorce.
In the end, there are two effects of breast-feeding that we often refuse to acknowledge. One is the de-eroticization of a woman's body, as her husband witnesses one of the most attractive parts of her body serving a utilitarian rather than romantic purpose. This is not to say that breast-feeding isn't sexy. Indeed, the maternal dimension is a central part of womanliness. But public breast-feeding is profoundly de-eroticizing, and I believe that wives should cover up, even when they nurse their babies in their husband's presence.
I believe this same problem comes up when men witness childbirth up close. There are certain poses in which a husband should not see his wife. By all means, be there for the entire labor, as I have been for the births of each of my eight children. But I strongly agree with the advice of the ancient rabbis that husbands should not be staring at the actual delivery. That is just too erotic a part of a wife's anatomy for it to become a mere birth canal.
The erotic nature of a wife's body is one of the principal elements of attraction in marriage. When a husband ceases to see his wife as a woman, and begins to see her as "the mother of his children," a negative trend has begun in his mind that can only subvert his erotic interest.
This is not to say that breast-feeding should not be practiced. It is instead to say that it should always remain subordinate to the romantic and passionate needs of a marriage.
Let me be clear. I agree that breast-feeding is usually the best thing for a baby. But the principal form of marital breakdown in our time is a loss of erotic desire between husband and wife, and if couples find that breast-feeding is adding to a sense of alienation, there is always the bottle.
So How this guy ended up with 8 children is now apparent. Probably no LAM to space them and using his wife's body whnever he pleased because his ignorant brain tells him "it's his because he married it." That thought right there is dangerous.
Breastfeeding does NOT break-up marriages. It's men who treat women as sex object rather than the human being GOD made them to be. A woman was made to breastfeed BY GOD, them feeling nice during sex was an added bonus for men, otherwise, Enfamil would have been what Jesus ate instead of Mary's breastmilk.
Quote: Obviously, breast-feeding is not the same as carrying on an extramarital affair. But when a mother gives her breasts to her son and takes them away from her husband, the effect on the marriage can feel the same.
If this is truly the case then why do marriage still fail without children and without breasts being used as milk banks for babies?!
Seriously if Breastfeeding is what caused your marriage to break up then there were WAY more serious problems then that! The more likelie cause I'd have to venture to say would be Self-centeredness, egotistical, mesoginistic, and low self-esteem Such low self-esteem in a man could only result in a man being jealous of a baby getting nutrition from a God Made and GOD Endorsed product! Hell not even formula can boast such a lable!!
FDA report:
55.9% of American moms breastfeed in the hospital
19% still breast feed when baby is 6 months old
The Census Bureau's often-cited "50%" rate, the proportion of marriages taking place right now that will eventually divorce, which has since been revised downward to roughly 43% by the National Center for Health Statistics but was moved back up to around 50% by the Census Bureau in 2002, with even more ifs ands and buts than usual. Most recently, according to the New York Times, it has been revised downward to just over 40%.
So even if you took the stats to extremes and said that of the 19% still BF caused 20% of the 50% divorce rate then how would you still account for the other 30% of divorce? But since we are living proof that those of us married or in relationships and are BF and still with our partner even after several kids, then the fact remains that BF doesn't cause divorce. Insecurities and other deep seeded problems cause divorce. Mainly LACK OF COMMUNICATION!
If a man can't say what he feels or ask for more attention then it's not the BF baby's fault now it is.
Then this self-centered man tries tackling birth!!
Quote: I believe this same problem comes up when men witness childbirth up close. There are certain poses in which a husband should not see his wife. By all means, be there for the entire labor, as I have been for the births of each of my eight children. But I strongly agree with the advice of the ancient rabbis that husbands should not be staring at the actual delivery. That is just too erotic a part of a wife's anatomy for it to become a mere birth canal.
Again it all goes back to being self-centered. 'How dare a baby de-sexualize the vagina for me?!' Where the HELL do you think Jesus came out from?! it certainly wasn't from a c/s! They weren't even INVENTED yet!
I mean what an overly ignorant thing to spout off. Seriously if my husband became desexualized by birth then I certainly wouldn't have had 6 children with him. Unassisted birthed with him, him having caught 4 of them himself.
Just as a man's penis serves 2 purposes - for sexual pleasure/reproduction and for urinating.
Should a man stop urinating, and, say, install a foley catheter, so as to not "desexualize" his penis in the eyes of his wife? :-o
On another note to this if it desexualized men SOOO MUCH then why are most OB/GYN's MEN, usually married themselves and have children themselves too? Hmm seems like that little opinion has been debunked!
To sum up my impression of Schmuley . . .moron, idiot, ignorant, self centered, self righteous, pompus, airbag, likes listening to his own voice, sorry excuse for a man, and even worse excuse for a "marriage counselor".
I will no longer watch his show now that I know how he truly feels about women.
Marriages don't break up because of breastfeeding, they break up because men are idiots!
This guy is a winner! OMG- I don't even know where to begin...so I'll just say "I agree" to everything you guys mentioned above and leave it at that! Man....I'm damn near speechless!
And, as a Jewish woman, I was OUTRAGED to see his complete lack of knowledge of his OWN RELIGION.
G-d forbid anybody think Judaism isn't ardently pro-breastfeeding, because it is.
In fact, it's a child's RIGHT to breastfeed to age 4-5. If a baby younger than age two weans and then wants back on the breast, he is permitted, up until age two. From 2 to age 4 (5 for a "weak" child) it's the child's choice to wean. After that, a mom may wean her child.
It's not that I hold myself to such orthodox standards, but as a RABBI, he should be setting the correct Judaic example, should he not?
Should a man stop urinating, and, say, install a foley catheter, so as to not "desexualize" his penis in the eyes of his wife? :-o
quote]
LOL!!!!
I what an awful man! Im so glad my husband is not a selfish jerk like this guy.
My husband had told me on MANY occations that he is more and more attracted to me all the time and my being the mother of his children and nursing our son and watching our childrens births are very sexy. My dh is thrilled that I breastfeed. He wants our children to have the best that we can give them.
__________________
Dh Jason
My babies...
Katherine Elizabeth 6/04/04
Samuel Lee 5/04/05 (our son with God)
Griffin Michael 04/13/06
Harrison Gabriel 04/27/08 BabyLinq.com ~ Preemie Store - Hospital NICU
SAFE to going home.
I too am surprised that this teacher/Rabbi does not appear to know the writings of King Solomon, who advocated breastfeeding for husbands.
Perhaps it's not the breastfeeding that causes the marital breakdown but the lack of it!
For some reason, I was led to beleive that my breasts were made to noursih my children....not my husbands sexual appetite......you can die of starvation....you won't die from lack of sex.
__________________
LillyAnna Marie~10-26-02
William Lloyd~11-06-03
Ethan Robert 03-Jul-08
But having lived and living through my second seperation from my husband of 15 years married, 23 total years together......... both seperations took place when our twins were 5 months and our latest son was 6 months old ........... I see a pattern here anyone else.......when he felt abandonded he claims "I just am not in love wit hyou anymore. WTF??? Ok so make love to me one week and the following week your out of love with me AGAIN!!! I mean come on I thought you were 100% on board with me breast feeding our child!!! But I guess I'm the selfish one who wanted to bf as I should have bottle fed our children worked a full day (sole profider here) cleaned the house and cooked and still somewhere in my sleep deprevation lack of coffee state of feeding our sons 2, 3 or 5 hour stretches been able to hold a conversation and nookie with out drooling on myself, you or babbling sweet baby talk to him....................... yes there are some great guys that turn in to selfish idiots when you insert children!
For some reason, I was led to beleive that my breasts were made to noursih my children....not my husbands sexual appetite......you can die of starvation....you won't die from lack of sex.
It's a supply and demand system, you can feed more than one and not run out.
My husband is fully on board with BF for the childrens health but still got tetchy when I lavished ALL my attention on our son. I noticed that our son was not happy nursing on one side and I was getting uncomfortable on the other. I thought I might get engorged or develop mastitis. I told him how I felt and he offered to help relieve the pressure for me. Well, I have no problem with balancing the sides any more and he's not tetchy any more. He just needs regular reassurance that I care and I need regular maintenance. Both happy and our son has plenty too!
I believe you can BF and still be intimate......DH and I have very active *lives*....he just knows that the girls are off limits...especially in the beginning.
I think (totally my own opionion) that if you make the decesion to BF then it needs to be a priority for both you and your baby....if that gets in your DH's way....that is just selfish on his part.
__________________
LillyAnna Marie~10-26-02
William Lloyd~11-06-03
Ethan Robert 03-Jul-08
My husband has become a bit of a self centered jerk lately but he states many times that he finds it sexually arousing that he put the baby in my belly that comes out (he was mad at me for MONTHS when he missed ds2's birth) and even more so that I can feed our babies with nothing from outside!
i coulda sworn i commented on this back when it happened, but apparantly not. it was pretty much along the same lines of what everyone else has already said though, and i do remember commenting on the tlc site back then, as well as a couple other boards.
Apparently BF causes Divorce now too!
Re: Apparently BF causes Divorce now too!
Im so glad my husband is not a selfish jerk like this guy. 
ANA MARIA
and mama to 2 
cubs
