hello wise parents,
just wondering if anyone has any experiences/ helpful hints about how to make the transition between feeding to sleep and not feeding to sleep.

we've made enormous leaps and now our ds knows (on some level) that he can fall asleep by himself. he now sometimes falls asleep in the car, over my or my husband's shoulder, with tummy rubs and goes into the cot drowsy'ish. but i'm still using the breast to him to help to 'drowsy'ish (by 'drowsy'ish i mean ever so slightly awake/ not totally asleep, i.e.: i feed him until his sucking slows, i remove him (he'll fuss briefly), put him over my shoulder and re-settle, then place him in the cot. sometimes his eyes will flash open as he goes in or he'll fuss about for a few seconds as he is transferred, but then settle by himself. i fiddle about with blankets & clunk the cot sides back into place [i cannot tell you how what a departure this is from a few months ago when i was lying down, feeding to 'totally and utterly asleep' and being afraid to even breathe let alone daring to move his body from my side]).
we have a good pre-bed routine (i think); we read a story, play sleep music, use key words, close the curtains/ turn off the light. but as tired as he may be going into the bedroom, i just can't imagine (yet), how to make the leap to no breast from this point. do i need another step in the routine?
wrapping used to work a charm, but he is 9months now.

i would be so grateful for any thoughts/ tips.

thank you,
love&light

Hi,
Nice to meet you!

Even if it doesn't seem like it, it sounds like you are already doing pretty well in terms of getting your baby to fall asleep on his own. A lot of people find it impossible to get past putting their baby down completely and utterly asleep, and at that they are stuck with having their babies nurse until completely asleep. Then they find if they try to remove the breast, this will wake their baby up every time so they feel like they can't move ever. You are very lucky that you have been able to get yourself to this point. In "The No Cry Sleep Solutions" book by Elizabeth Pantley, this is known as "Phase 1" of getting baby to sleep on his own. THese phases and how to move through them (phase 1-6) are on pages 147-151 in the book. I found them incredibly helpful with slowly getting my DS to sleep on his own.

Hope this helps!

__________________








Host of:
The No Cry Sleep Solution
Attachment Parenting

hi zennifer,
thank you for your encouragement & it helps to acknowledge how far we've come. i need to be reminded (on a daily basis) of the incredible improvement we've made.
but, i'm feeling so alone today. i'm sitting here crying again. once i got him back into his cot & able to sometimes finish falling asleep on his own i didn't think i would ever cry about it again. i've read wonderful accounts from the women on these pages and had the benefit of your incredible advice and mostly feel confident & hopeful... today i'm just having a bad day.
my ds is 10mnths now and still only napping for 30-40min at a time x2 (except for a couple of anomalous times when he slept for an hour) & sleeping a max of two hours at a time at night. with wakings much more frequent between certain times, like 3-5am.
today my feeling is that this will never end and that i am a horrible failure. my perception is that mothering is my 'job' and as i am in my career (though i'm not back at work yet), i take my job very seriously. every time i can't help him to sleep, i feel as though i've failed my task. i think that's where the tears come from.
i've been waiting patiently for his teething to lighten up slightly, so we can get back to EP's technique, but that day never comes. it's been 5mnths of full on teething, with no 'let up' for him. as a result we can't even think about getting to phase two. i feel so stuck. & now he is totally and utterly hooked into have the breast every time he wakes. i used to be able to rock him back to sleep before 10:00pm, but no longer can. and he's resumed waking several times before 10:00pm.
i'm worn out and i don't feel there's another human being i can talk to about this without being judged or having to endure sympathetic looks and misguided advice. i love being a mum, i love my child... and i struggle with aspects of the mothering experience. surely i'm not alone. but there seems to be nothing but judgement and derision or superiority ridden sympathy from other mums.
exhale... ok i feel a lot better than when i began writing.
thank you for listening.
one baby step at a time.
he won't be waking up a dozen times a night when he's 14 will he!
i'll look back at this and laugh... WON'T I?
oh god, he's awake... 20min
give me strength.

love&light

Love and Light,
When I read your post, I wanted to cry along side you. I know how frustrated you must feel. I was at the same place you are now just a few weeks ago. I just wanted to cry all day. I didn't want to go anywhere. I spent the whole day trying to get my ds to sleep. I just want you to know it does get better. I know it is hard to see that when you are in the middle of it all. I had to go back to work when my ds was only 4.5 months old. I was devastated, but it turned out to be the best thing for me. I think I was suffering from some mild Post Partum Depression and having some separation time was so beneficial. The sitter was so instrumental in helping my ds to sleep. I think in part because she does not have all the emotions we have. For me, I didn't want my ds to cry for any reason. I had to take heart and realize that that was his way of talking to me.

The bottom line is that things are going to get better! You are a good mom. It is so obvious that you love your child and are willing to do anything for him. Please know that you are not alone and you will get past this!

hi timmy'smom,
thank you so much!
i felt so alone yesterday. i don't feel i can share my struggle with anyone around me. either they're having a fine old time, they let their babies cio, they can't conceive of how little he sleeps or they just find ways of coping and keep their mouths shut. which, from the outside looks like everything's hunky dory (is that an australianism? means 'just fine').
anyway, while you're here...

do you have any thoughts on how to get past 'phase 1?'
i'm still doing books, feed to drowsy, cot to sleep for naps (though, so often he falls asleep because i want him to properly drain the breast and by the time he's done that he's gone. plus he falls asleep before his limbs do. his arms & legs will still be waving around while he's snoring). i wish that were funny at the time.
i would love to do - feed, books, sleep

how did you and your lovely helper approach & tackle getting your ds to sleep without you? EXACTLY? or was he not hooked on the breast?
but even if he wasn't i'm sure i could learn a lot from your experience.

thanx again,
love&light

Love&Light,
I know what you mean about other passing judgements. Don't they realize that it's just plain hurtful? I am just like you. I want details and specifics! I'm sorry if it seemed that everything is perfect. It's not but it's pretty good. When my son was around 3.5 months old I was a wreck. I resorted to cio for about 2 weeks. That was the worst two weeks of my life and I will NEVER do that again. However, it did break him of some bad habits really quickly. After the 2 weeks, I promise my son that he will never have to experience that again. I read the Sleep Lady's Book, Good Night Sleep Tight. She has a technique called the Sleep Lady Shuffle. I liked the idea of a middle ground between cio alone and the status quo. I had tried not to use the pasi, but I thought it was better than constantly cyring. So here is what I tried. I just made up my own technique based on the Sleep Lady Shuffle. I made sure I had a routine and had a early bed time. After the bedtime routine, I put him down drowsy, but awake. Of course the minute he hit the crib he woke up and cried. I just stuck the paci in his mouth. He would suck for a few seconds and then cry again. I did this for 45 minutes the first night. The sitter did something similar. I found that I had more patience at night, because I did not have to deal with the nap issue all day. Anyway, that night, he woke up every two hours. When he I would not pick him up, just give him the pasi. He cried and I just put the pasi back in his mouth. I would nurse him every 4 hours or every other time he woke up. He was still little and I felt he needed to eat. The next night was better. I just kept on going until one night, I put him down and 5:45 and he just took the pasi, rolled over and fell asleep. I was thrilled! He slept from 5:45 to 2:45 am! I couldn't believe it. I nursed him and he slept until 6:00 am when I woke him for the day. I think being consistent, using the pasi and him sleeping on his stomach all contributed to his success. I know there will be some moms appalled that I let me son sleep on his tummy, but he found it himself. He knew how to roll over so I just let him sleep on his tummy. It's not a perfect technique, but it worked for me. You have worked so hard getting him to fall asleep on his own, introducing the pasi might be a step backward for you. You will have to decide. Whatever you decide, I know it will be the right decision for you and your ds. Good luck and God Bless!

hi timmy'smom,
thank you so much for the detail.
unfortunately i don't think we would have the same kind of success based on the fact that when he was quite small my ds decided that the dummy was an instrument of oppression. he refused to be silenced! "I WILL EXPRESS MYSELF, I WILL NOT BE GAGGED" he bellowed.
so... since then the dummy has been unceremoniously spat out. so to speak.
i tried to re-introduce it as a sort of 'play sucking thing' a few months ago, but he just chewed it.
i have the sleep right book. but i don't recall the shuffle. i'll have to go back & check it out.
i've tried not picking him up between feeds many times... oh lord.
you wouldn't think a baby could scream bloody murder like he can scream. one night - 90min of constant screeeeeeaming. i mean, with - out - a - breath! without peaks and valleys. that horrible angry, "why won't you meet my need? i just want some comfort!!!!" scream. awful night. it may have been then that i vowed to never put him through anything like it again.
having said that, it has really paid to be brave and to revisit things, so i will give it a go.
thank you so much for sharing your experience!
wish me luck

love&light

Love&Light,
Good luck! Like I said the technique is not perfect. My boy relies on that pasi. There are some night when he wakes up crying for it. Luckily, those days are not as often as they used to be. I know how hard it is to hear our babies cry. I am when I did the cio, I was physically sick. I thought I was going to have a stroke. My hands were shaking, my heart was racing and I had sweaty palms. I can never do that again. With this method, I felt okay. I was there with him the whole time. I did not leave him. That was so important to me. It took a couple of weeks, but after a while, I didn't need to sit next to the crib and give him his pasi. I would just give him the pasi and he would just turn over and fall asleep. I know you will find something that works for you. Good luck!