Hi, everyone. I have a 3 yr-old DD who is very loving and smart. She also has a shy personality outside the house. I thought by her age, she would be pretty independent, but she still is very clingy to me.

I thought I have been loving yet firm. I have not raised my DD with cloth diaper and all, but I did BF and co-sleep most of her infant and toddler years. I am a SAHM, so it's not like she misses me during the day. We are emotionally very close to eachother. I do have the feeling of "we complete each other".

I thought AP creates independent children. I know her shy personality limits her social comfort level outside the house. But even at home, she needs to know which room I'm in, what I'm doing, and does not want to play on her own much.

She has never been a good sleeper either, and at her current age, she still wakes at night and needs me to tuck her back in (or co-sleep).

What am I doing wrong??? How can I help her become more independent??? How can I become a better mom???HELP!

Oh honey! You are a great mom! Look how much you care! That is sooooo wonderful!

There are sooo many reasons that a little one can be shy... I was just reading in my favourite magazine (Today's Parent... it's Canadian, in case you haven't heard of it) about preschoolers, called "Balking at Bedtime" and it said that actually up to age 4 separation anxiety is a huge reason for not sleeping through the night. It says "the practice of having everyone sleep in separate rooms doesn't fit very well with a preschooler's need for closeness"... which people might not realize goes on up to and beyone 4 years old. I actually have a friend whose daughter is 7 and she still doesn't sleep well at night. In fact, my mother doesn't sleep well at night either, so sometimes it actually comes down to some people are more wakeful than others... I remind myself that I wake up throughout the night as well and go to the bathroom etc so it may have nothing to do with separation anxiety and could just be that she is a light sleeper. My almost 5 yr old son is someone I think sleeps pretty well, but he still comes in our room half way through the night to cuddle for the rest of the night, and I'm okay with this... one day we may develop the idea of a mattress beside our bed that he can curl up in to be close if he wants, but for now I know he wants to be close to us and it takes a while to go through all these stages of dependence.

As for being shy - is anyone else in the family shy? Some people are just shy, or more sensitive than others. Being attached to a child who is more sensitive than others or wants the security of a parent close by will definately help them as they grow. However, attachment doesn't necessarily mean that you can change someone's personality/temperament. If someone is shy, then AP won't make it go away, but it can definately help. Dr. Sears (considered the father of AP as it is he who created the term "AP") own daughter was a high needs child (not at all the same as shy, but certainly a personality type that makes itself known). He writes about her on his website, saying that he was glad that they had several children before her that were calm and content, so that they KNEW it wasn't their parenting style that was creating her high strung temperament... they knew it was just the way she was... they USED "AP" not to change her from the high strung person she is, but to learn how to work with that temperament with a positive outcome... I very much enjoyed finding his info on this because my older son was VERY high strung when he was a baby. I'm pretty sure no one got to touch him without him screaming at them for about a year to a year and a half, and even then he was quite testy with people. We had so many accusations of people saying that it was us making him like that - because we held him all the time, because we wouldn't drive him anywhere too far (he screamed at the top of his lungs until he hyperventilated in the car seat and wouldn't stop even if we were driving for up to 4 hours... which I know for an unfortunate fact)... and if he got upset when someone else held him we'd take him away... they thought we were being ridiculous, but over time, slowly and with much help, he has become much more happy and independent. He is a happy child and enjoys parties... but if I look close, I can still see he plays by himself a lot... he has a few close friends instead of having tons of sort of friends. Over the years, we had to prepare him for different outings, such as going to the doctor, going to get a haircut, going to a party, attending HIS OWN birthday party (which even last year still had him strung out and crying... it was like he was stressed out about hoping it would go the right way or something) and every time we have to prepare him for things it reminds me that he isn't easy going - it's just that we do such a good job of coaching him before each and every situation so that he is most likely to succeed as best he can with his own personality... for example just an hour ago, he was preparing to go to his grandparents. All of the pre-warnings that follow are necessary so he doesn't have a meltdown: I had already pre-warned him that he would be going before me, and I would come later with his dad (if I didn't he may freak out that he has to leave with grandpa, even though he really likes him - it's just that if he doesn't know about it, it throws him off). I pre-warned him that when he gets there, they may go outside, and exactly which mitts/hat I have put in exactly which bag, and how it's a different hat than usual... if I don't he might start screeching at them when they try to put his stuff on when he had imagined he would be playing inside with his cousins... and to have the wrong hat and mitts - that would just be the end of it!

I coach him like this all the time, and it's not because I'm not being a good enough mom and therefore he isn't independent... it's actually because I know him so well that I can see all the things I need to warn him about in advance so that he can have a good experience with whatever situation is coming... and being shy is like that too... it doesn't mean there was a parenting error - it just can simply be your sweet daughter's temperament. I'm a teacher and almost every single child in the preschool classes are shy at first. A guess might be (if I were to connect it to AP) is possibly your daughter isn't even necessarily shy - maybe she is selective with whom she decides to form attachments outside of the home. I think my son has no problem talking to people, but he doesn't just choose to be friends with just anyone... I know a lot of my friends with AP kids need to have people out of the home actually make a connection/bond with them so that they are comfortable. At my son's preschool class, the teachers weren't very outgoing in this manner... they sort of treated the kids like a herd, instead of bonding on some level with each one. He never connected with anyone there, and although they didnt' do anything wrong, he didn't really like it. On the other hand, he is now in nursery school and the teacher makes a point of greeting and chatting with each and every student, and being one of the most sunshiney, warm and goofy, and excited musical and artistic ladies that I've ever met... she is very engaging and tries to understand each child. And so it's no surprise that my son just loves her and therefore the class... it even makes him more interested in getting to know the other students because she has created a warm, and inviting space with her warmth.

I would think that your daughter has a wonderful quality of wanting to feel safe and invited before she gets to know others, and that can come from her knowing that attached relationships mean more than acquaintances.

Little ones can find it very hard when they are young to socialize with others. I know that it is quite common at this age (3 -5) to not be quite ready to know how to connect with others... I found my son when he was 3 or when he just turned 4 that he wasn't really relating to other children yet... even the ones that aren't shy on the surface still aren't really connecting with other kids or playing with them yet... they often talk AT others of their age, and then continue about their own solitary business.

It'll come! You are doing a great job by seeing your daughter's personality and wanting to help her be the best person she can be, without trying to change her temperament, but simply learning to work with it!

I'd love to chat with you more! Let us know more about your daughter, because I'm probably not getting a lot of things right about this special little girl - I'm just throwing out ideas!


Here's some good links:
http://www.todaysparent.com/schoolag...jsp?content=74

http://www.todaysparent.com/preschoo...51_3080&page=1

And this great site from Dr. Sears, the Attachment Parenting guru himself:

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/t110223.asp

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Zennifer,

Thanks for your reply! It's nice to hear your voice (or text, I guess) again. I used to post alot on the NCSS about 3 years ago when my daughter was little Your reply really made me feel better.


So, here are some more stuff about my daughter.

My daughter was definately NOT an easy baby when she was little. For the first 3 months, she had colic. After that, she didn't want anyone to hold her (or else she screamed). She was afraid of her grandfather until she was about 2.5 yrs. Socially, she has always been very sensitive. She doesn't mind being around other children as long as they are not too rowdy. Now that she is 3.5 yrs, she is more open to extended family members, but she prefers to be with me. When she is upset about something (like she is scared at night or she fell and hurt herself), she only wants me. If I'm not around (i.e. not home), then others can calm her down. But, if I'm around (somewhere in the house), even my husband has a hard time settleing her. This has been very hard for me. I HATE letting her cry more than necessary in my husband's arms if I'm around. But, I also wish she could accept her father more freely.

On the other hand, she was very easy when it came to eating or dressing or potty-learning. She never made a fuss about these things. Not all new things seem to affect her equally.


As you suspected, lots of people in my family are shy. My husband and my father are both very shy. Although I believe I have control over my shyness, I am shy too.

When I was a child, I didn't go to preschool. I started Kindergarton at the age of 5, and until that, I lived with my parents, grandparents, and my uncle. Having all those people in my family, we had plenty of guests and events throughout my childhood.

Maybe that's why I feel like my daughter is always following me around. I mean, after all, she has no one else in the house but me to follow around. But I hope one day, she will become comfortable and confident.


Coaching before events is a really good idea. Occasionally I do that, but I don't think I do that enough. I think I can talk about social situations more often, before it happens. Perhaps I can talk about how daddy will try to help her when mommy is cooking, for example.

Thanks for the links! I have The Baby book by Dr. Sears, but this was the first time I actually went to his website. Do you have any books for preschoolers that you reccommend?

I went to the library and borrowed a book called "The Shy Child--Helping Children Triumph over Shyness" by Ward K. Swallow, Ph. D. It seems like a gentle and good book.

Hi! I completely remember you!
Sorry... I got kind of sick in there for a while! I had some weird flu thing and then some weird throat thing... kinda took me down a bit! There is a book I liked called "The Highly Sensitive Child" ( The Highly Sensitive Child ) that may not completely describe your child... I bought it to read because I thought possibly my older boy might fall in that category, but upon reading it I decided it didn't describe him, or if it did it was to a much lesser degree. However, it has some great tips that I think could be used for anyone who sees their child reacting in a shy or sensitive way in any situation so that you can help them... I think that may have been where I got the idea to prepare my boy for different situations (which I still do).
She sounds like an absolute sweetheart that just has such a strong connection with her caring mommy! And it's great that you are an understanding person when it comes to shyness because you'll truly be able to help her be not nervous to be herself in this regard!

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Host of:
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Attachment Parenting