I was wondering how some have dealt with the feelings laboring and then having to have an unplanned c-section?

I am lucky that I made it to 38wks but the day before when I went for my check up I was pre-eclamptic and went from OB appoit/NST to L&D to be induced. They tried to get me started and after 12 hrs of just trying to soften the cervix with pills they started Pit, did the foley bulb and then broke my waters. I had started at 2cm 50% and after all that was at a 4cm 75%. The worst part was that my boy started to brady down after the pit so they stopped it and then I decided to cave into an epi and that bottomed my blood pressure out so they had to stablize me from being hypertesive for hours to being hypo from the meds. After they got us both stablized they came in and discussed c-sec because of the blood pressue and his heart rate. I was now a 5cm 75% but the baby was still high up. I guess he wanted the 2wks till his due date. They said we will see what happens and sat me up and as they did he bradied down again so that was that.

I know in my heart that it was what was best but I was so tired after 18 hrs of labor and the meds to lower my bp, raise my bp, meds for vomiting, for stopping contractions and so on I was kind of out of it in the OR. My best friend filmed things and I cry when I watch it because I dont feel that I was really there. I also know that things being done vaginally that my son might have needed some help breathing intially but it kills me to see the video after he starts crying and know that I couldnt be there for him and that I barely remember being there. I even hear the comment about my snoring because I had fallen asleep and my friend telling my son how much I love him and wanted him.

I know that I am not a failure because my body wouldnt progress, I was pre-eclamptic and the baby wouldnt come down but I still feel like I missed something, I missed getting to hold him as soon as he was born, those 1st few minutes of not being able to bond and hold him while he cried. He was cleared and was handed to me to keep with me in recovery when they finished my surgery. I have bonded with him and we are BF champs. I couldnt love him any less it is just getting over those feelings of my dream of the way I wanted things to go.

Any suggestions ladies?

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