(VERY LONG POST & X-POST)
First and most IMPORTANT baby is doing perfectly well. S/he is quite content being suspended, high up, floating in his/her pool with it's chubby, cherub like cheeks (got another 3D scan). HB was 143. My BP was 120/80 and cervix was tight as a drum.
Second, I want to convey to all the ladies here that these are my feelings and although it is NOT the end of the world. I know there are far more worse things that could happen and that there are also more important things that are happening now, the fact of the matter is right now, at this point in time, this is how I feel and they are my feelings/emotions.
I got back from my appointment (39th wk.) in tears, angy and disappointment.
Call me selfish, perhaps I am but I'm only human. I was told by my doctor he would NOT induce me. He is totally bypassing that option and going right for the C-Section next Saturday. My heart just sank.
It's broken and I feel cheated that I will NEVER have the chance to experience/feel what labor feels like, what it feels like to have that excitement of waking up your husband and saying, "it's time honey", or the sensation, joy and fear (all at once) of having your water broke. That has all been taken from me.
Instead I get to experience a sterile, cold environment in which to have my first child. Having my wrists bound like some kind of psychiatric patient and just laying there not having any control or say in my birthing experience. Not having my husband cut the cord. Not being able to hold my first born. Having my child be subjected to this bright, loud, clangging environment just because I'm "not built to give birth". How depressing and heartbreaking. Nothing. Then I get to have that long healing process because I had to be cut open and the ugly flap of fat that will NEVER go away without cosmetic surgery.
A little dramtic perhaps for some. But I cannot help it. This is how I feel. I was so looking forward to giving birth and now well that dream will never materialize.
I'm not excited about next Saturday and even dread it. I don't know how to make peace with the fact that I have to have a c-section?
I'm sure there are ladies out there who have or feel the same way I do. And yes when all is said and done, it doesn't matter in the end, yada, yada. I know what's going to be said. I'm hearing it from my best friend (she has had two c-sections) that I shouldn't feel this way, etc. How am I going to get pass this? I guess just like women who give natural get through that pain and it's all forgotten once you have that baby in your arms. But the fact remains my perception is that c-sections moms don't get our babies right away. We have to wait to see our children because of the massive pain that we're in due to the c-section. I don't know and that is the case, I don't.
This is my first. But I will say it again it's not what I intended child birth to be like. Surgical and cold. I'm extremely depressed over it.
The reasons why I can't give natural according to my doctor. I have all the "factors" that point to the inevitable c-section:
- Baby is not enganged. S/he is having too much fun swimming in the pool these days and does look like I will drop.
- Baby's weight is now at 8.5+ lbs. Estimated weight at delivery that was told to me is 9.5 lbs.
- Too much fluid surrounding baby. Hence the reason why I will not drop
- Baby too big for my frame or I'm too small for my baby however you want to look at it. My doctor told me straight out, no icing covering for me! That it may very well be that I will never experience child birth because of the size of my husband (6'3" 275 wide frame). The size of me (5'2, 120 petite) but it's not my genes it's him. Looks like we will be producing big kids . Great, just what I want to hear. My doctor was sweet and tried to be light-hearted about it saying the only way you will have a 6 or 7 lbs baby is to find another husband who is not as big as Glen!! Ok...I did get a small chuckle out it if, I must admit.
He even said that if my water should break not to wait for contractions to be 3 minutes apart that he wants me there at the hospital and that he would not even let me labor because he knows I will have a very long, painful and drawn out birth experience. How can a doctor really know? Do they? What happens if I'm this power, making baby machine who was born to give birth? You don't know until you try right?
Any suggestions? Anthing at all. Acupuncture to make the baby engaged, power of prayer. Anything, I'm desperate to experience that thrill of child birth which I'm so sorry to say will not happen if something doesn't change between now and then.
Well thank you ladies for listening and any ideas, comfort, etc that you may provide because this is going to be a long 9 days for me.