this sounds selfish, but I don't mean to be, I'm just disappointed

katie0608 · #1 (**permalink**) 04-16-2008, 07:49 PM

I hope this does not come across as terribly petty. I am just disappointed. This is my fourth child. My first with my husband, and my youngest is going to be 9 in august. So needless to say it has been a long time. My husband also has a child from his first marriage, who is 14 now. I have lived in NC for 9 years, but only have a handful of friends. I am fine with that, and am content with my life. My children have sports each night, so really there is no time to meet tons of people and no real desire on my part. I work with only 7 people, and my husband is self employed. I have a sister that lives a state away, and my husband has a brother and sister in law, and father and step mom that live within 45 minutes. To get to the point, I am disappointed that I do not have anyone in my life to give me a baby shower. I had one with my first, and a small with my second. I wasn't even a little disappointed when I didn't have one with my third, what was the point :-) But here it is 9 years later, starting completely over, and I just feel sad. We don't do birthdays at work, and such, so there won't be anything there. My church is small, so that is not something we really do. I have been asked by my sister and my husband’s sister what we need, and I know they will get us a gift. I think it more the idea of a celebration for this baby not gifts. It is the get together and silly games. Even though I have friends, everyone has said more along the lines of I will have to give them ideas for a present, but nothing else. I know with today’s lives we are all busy. And this is definitely not my first. So I tell myself it wouldn't make since to have a shower. But it is hard when my patients ask if I've had one yet, or when it is, or others do. It just is a reminder, so I smile and say, oh I haven't had it yet, knowing I won't. I asked my husband if his brother's wife had asked him anything, and he said no. And he tried to cheer me up by saying not to worry, we would be able to buy what we need, it's not like we are young and can't get what we need. Am I being completely selfish and childish? Maybe I am just hormonal. Is anyone else feeling this way? It is just hard when people ask when my shower is, and I say there isn't one, and they smile and say "oh, i am sure someone will throw one", and end the conversation. But the thing is no one is. Even my 12 year old asked me when the shower was, because her dad's sister just had one. When I said there isn't one, she asked why, and I just said that that is something first time moms get. I didn’t know what to say.

Thank you for reading my ramblings and self pity. I am sure as I get ready for the baby it won't even be important any more. I think I am so happy, since it took us months and specialist to have the baby, and I want others to want to celebrate too. Maybe my pelvic pain has finally gone to my head and made me crazy :-)

Kylie&Cohen'sMom · #2 (**permalink**) 04-16-2008, 08:05 PM

I am sorry! I felt that way with my 1st as I didn't have a shower with her so I can understand the disappointment. I felt thrilled when someone offered to throw me one this time as I honestly didn't think I'd ever have one.

Rubia25 · #3 (**permalink**) 04-16-2008, 08:06 PM

I went through the same thing (and I also felt really selfish for complaining about it) and that is the way you feel and you have a right to your feelings! I am of the firm belief that every baby - first, third, twelfth - deserves a "shower" even if its not gifts, just a celebration. I got soooo lucky and my girlfriends are giving me a shower this Friday, I'm very excited not for the presents but just that they are welcoming our new baby into our neighborhood. I really hope someone steps up and gives you one because it is an event that deserves some sort of recognition! We also can definitely afford whatever we need for this baby, but like I said, its the thought and the caring about our family that I find so touching.
Monica

Mommie2Ava&Presley · #4 (**permalink**) 04-16-2008, 08:35 PM

There is nothing wrong with how you are feeling. You are starting over after 9 years and there is a lot that you will have to acquire - genuine needs not just stuff. However, you are in a tough spot, being that you work with so few people and don't have a close circle of friends at this time to organize a shower/celebration. It was 15 years for me from my last child to my previous pregnancy and had I not been blessed with being a teacher in a school that thrills for the party excuse, I would have been in the same boat you are in now.

I haven't heard a word this time around and didn't expect to, especially since we are having another girl. I am contemplating doing what has been suggested here on the board previously - throwing a welcoming party of sorts for friends and family to come meet the baby, have some cake or maybe even BBQ - since DH is really into cooking out - just to celebrate our last baby. I don't care if anyone brings anything, I just want to celebrate this baby and have something for her baby book so she will know she was special too. So that might be something you would want to consider. If you know ahead, you could plan it for when your family would probably be coming to see baby anyway and just invite the friends too while family would be in town.

Also, don't feel bad about venting here; we've all done it about some issue or another. That's what we're here for.

Running Mom Ragged · #5 (**permalink**) 04-17-2008, 06:17 AM

You know, I have always hear the "etiquette" for baby showers is if you have children at least 7 years apart. Now, I am with others who think EVERY baby deserves a celebration of some kind, even if it is small. You could always throw your own "Baby Celebration" cookout of some sort like it was suggested. If your last one is 9, you definitely NEED stuff! LOL

I understand the disappointment. I wasn't expecting a shower either, but someone, and she isn't even my CLOSEST friend, called me and said that she wanted to throw me a shower because even though it is not my first child, it is my first girl. She is so sweet to have thought of it- she asked if my sister or anyone was doing anything for me and I said no. But I did tell her I would ask my sis if she wanted to help even if she didn't plan it...so I have a couple people working on the party. It was just a surprise! Hopefully, someone will surprise you, and if they don't, just throw your own party! I was thinking of doing that myself. And we can afford stuff now too- it's just the touching thought of people getting together and celebrating...I am very touched by it like Monica said.

I already got some clothes from someone who was getting rid of her girls' clothes and most of it is 0-3 months! It almost takes up the whole closet. LOL My other friend is supposed to give me stuff too. I think I will have more than I need! LOL I'll take used stuff- especially when they are so little because they grow fast and only wear it a short time.

katie0608 · #6 (**permalink**) 04-17-2008, 08:38 AM

Thank you for your support. It's funny cause I talked with my husband last night about how I was feeling. He came up with a similar suggestions. He said we could plan a "welcome baby" lunch when the baby is a couple weeks old. That way we would feel like we were able to share the joy of having our baby with our friends and family, and I would have something to put in the baby book so I wouldn't feel like I missed out on something important. It would also let our other children (his son and my three) get to be a part. Thank you again for your support, it made me feel less guilty about how I was feeling.

heavensabove · #7 (**permalink**) 04-17-2008, 08:48 AM

I agree with the others.

If I don't get a shower for this one (didn't get one with my second), we might just have a welcoming BBQ party, since itll be nice OUTdoor weather and is a complete different season than with the boys.