I am in my late 30's... at a place in my life that is definatly at a crossroads. So it is time to rethink things and figure out what I am going to do for the next 40 or so years. Some days I have a lot to say, other days not so much. I figure I will write what I am thinking/feeling at the moment. This is a place for me to be me, get things out and hopefully find out who I really am, because right now I just don't know who that is.
When does it stop hurting?
Posted 03-18-2008 at 09:22 AM by thisislife
Seriously, when will it all stop? I am close to my due date from my ectopic, except the baby would of been one.
I find myself looking at all the babies out there, and feeling so sad that I missed a year already with a baby that we wanted dearly... wondering what he would look like, would he have hair ect.
Why do I do this to myself? I have been out of sorts and finally realized that this could be why when I realized what the date was... so really my mind went there way before I knew what I was missing.
I have not had many issues with seeing pregnant women, new babies ect since my hysterectomy- and I could not figure out why am I now? Now I know why.
I went to see Gary Spivey the other day- I so wanted to ask him about my ectopic and my 19 yr old son... but I wasn't able to. A lady however, was able to talk to him, she had a miscarriage and she wanted to know why.
According to Gary, some souls are not ment for life, that is why you have a miscarriage, they do come into your life for a very short time, or even up to 9 months- and then they pass. He said that these "babies" are Cherub Angels... and they sit on your shoulders all the time.
I was so sad today when I logged on... then I saw a sweet message from someone I don't know, they don't know me, yet they reached out and said a few words of comfort... amazing how someone you don't know can help ease the pain.. put a smile on your face- isn't it? A real life angel maybe?
How can I let go? I am not always in this spot.. and it really surprised me I would be here again, as the anniversary is approaching...
Kisses to you baby Joshua, we may have never seen eachother- but you are a part of my heart....
I find myself looking at all the babies out there, and feeling so sad that I missed a year already with a baby that we wanted dearly... wondering what he would look like, would he have hair ect.
Why do I do this to myself? I have been out of sorts and finally realized that this could be why when I realized what the date was... so really my mind went there way before I knew what I was missing.
I have not had many issues with seeing pregnant women, new babies ect since my hysterectomy- and I could not figure out why am I now? Now I know why.
I went to see Gary Spivey the other day- I so wanted to ask him about my ectopic and my 19 yr old son... but I wasn't able to. A lady however, was able to talk to him, she had a miscarriage and she wanted to know why.
According to Gary, some souls are not ment for life, that is why you have a miscarriage, they do come into your life for a very short time, or even up to 9 months- and then they pass. He said that these "babies" are Cherub Angels... and they sit on your shoulders all the time.
I was so sad today when I logged on... then I saw a sweet message from someone I don't know, they don't know me, yet they reached out and said a few words of comfort... amazing how someone you don't know can help ease the pain.. put a smile on your face- isn't it? A real life angel maybe?
How can I let go? I am not always in this spot.. and it really surprised me I would be here again, as the anniversary is approaching...
Kisses to you baby Joshua, we may have never seen eachother- but you are a part of my heart....
Total Comments 3
Comments
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I don't know how I came upon this post but when I read it I can totally understand your pain. I just wanted to offer you a "cyber hug", I get how it feels to look at babies who might be the size of your child or wonder what they would be doing etc etc. I think it is only natural. It is something in a moms soul that never can go away, wondering about the what ifs and what would be. I have learned that people who have gone through losing a child really seem to get what the pain of it is all about. I hope you have found a support group somewhere. I don't know if you ever heard of it, but there is a group called www.silentgrief.com - it has been a life saver for me. There are different categories on there but it is dealing with infant loss/miscarriage/stillborn/ttc after loss/moving on.
I just wanted to say I understand your feelings. And I wish you some peace on your babies due date. I lost my son 4 days before birth in July, he was stillborn. It was/has been the hardest thing in my life to go through. I have to believe that there is a reason for everything and have hope in God that there is something good coming for my family and I. That was something to read about the cherub angels, a nice thought. I have to believe that my son is looking over our family. Take care, Heidi http://chase-zeigler.memory-of.com/About.aspx |
Posted 03-18-2008 at 06:54 PM by heidsz
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Joshua...what a beautiful name. It's my husband’s name, too. I don't know why loss happens and I can't offer you a bright side to this very dark cloud, but I'm here reading along if you need a shoulder. Take time to take care of you and really feel your grief. When the time is right it'll start to get better. Grief never leaves us entirely but it gets better at least. It just takes time to heal. You have an especially hard road since you can't try again. I get that but I'm sure (if your luck is anything like mine) that a lot of people just don't get it. I know how insensitive the universe can be, believe me. Hang on. You'll get through it, even though the path to the other side of this pain may well be rocky.
*hugs* |
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Posted 03-19-2008 at 01:35 PM by enigma74
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Thank you Heidi for sharing your story and the hug. I am going to check out that link.
Thank you enigma also  I swear it is thoughtfull posts like you two have wrote that help me get through another day.I am sending you both hugs back... |
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Posted 03-20-2008 at 10:45 AM by thisislife
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Recent Blog Entries by thisislife
- My "babies" (04-11-2008)
- soul searching (04-02-2008)
- Today is a better day :) (03-20-2008)
- When does it stop hurting? (03-18-2008)
- todays thoughts (03-10-2008)
