New Parents and Old Friends - When Things Change

It may be because 2007 is coming to a close or maybe just because I am a new parent, but it seems that the issue of losing friends after baby has been a recurring theme I've encountered over the past few weeks.

The other day on a popular mommy board I discovered a poster that was upset because her friendship with her longtime best-friend was now strained. They no longer could go shopping together at the drop of a hat. The new mommy was busy trying to take care of a baby, sleep when possible and just function. The other wanted to go to Macy's latest sale.

I then encountered another poster who was upset because her brother got upset when she talked about the baby. I think the exact words were that she talks about the baby too much.

Reading these things made me reflect on the past year, since my son is now 13 months old. And I do have to say that my friendships have changed. I can't remember the last time I talked to one of my girlfriends on the phone or saw them in person when it wasn't related to our children or a birthday party. And my childless girlfriends (or the ones whose children have already left the nest) I haven't seen them at all.

It would be unfair to blame the loss of contact solely on them. As much as it would be easy to blame them for not being understanding to my insanity at the beginning and now never having time to talk because I just got home and the baby is crying, lets face it, I changed. My world went from discussions of exotic travel and fine wine to baby this and baby that. I spend my evening staring in wonder at this little miracle that God created. Every coo, crawl, babble, tooth, and step, has just been amazing... to me.

I think that is where us new parents mess up and risk losing old friends, especially those without children. We are just amazed at this little creature that is all ours. Who devours our life and flips it upside down. For the first time in your life, your number one priority isn't yourself or your needs but the needs of this beautiful helpless creature. And as much as our friends are happy for our blessing, I suppose in some ways it's like them watching you get promoted to some awesome paying job while they struggle to make ends meet. At some point, they will get tired of hearing about it. If you talked endlessly on how great your new job was and how much money you made, you'd be an egocentric braggart. I know that having a child is more than that. But to someone without children, they don't know the love and have not experienced the life altering experience. So it is probably a pretty accurate analogy.

Then you have the friends you had prior that already had children. They either become your greatest asset of advice and compassion or they become the people you want to hide from most. Their endless advice, criticism of your choices, comparison of milestones, and the germs their older children carry and leave at your home can strain a friendship.

Not to say that your friendships can't survive. Many do. Some people never experience these problems at all. But if you, like me, let yourself dive nose first into motherhood without coming up for air, don't worry so much. Your true friends will still be there when you finally come back.

Like I told a friend who was in tears over this same issue and the same advice I gave to myself when I realized we got zero invites for New Year's Eve this year, this time in my child's life is finite. Before I know it, my little guy will be out in the world on his own, and I'll have more than enough time to be the self-centered egocentric person my friends use to love.