I'll try to keep this short and sweet - but I tend to ramble off the beaten path from time to time, so please bear (beer?) with me...

I just turned 41 years old this past Saturday (wow - I can't believe I'm in my 40s now! I remember when I was in my 20s... and the television show "Thirty Something" was on... the spouse and I used to think THEY were old. Now I've surpassed that!).

We have been trying to conceive for just over 2 yrs now. Due to various "life incidents" (e.g. job lay-offs for my spouse), we did not start trying to have a baby until November of 2005.

So here I was .... 38 yrs old... the spouse had just turned 42...and we started the journey.

I was naive in thinking that, like my sister and a few of my girlfriends, I'd be pregnant in no time. I don't know if I really thought that... but I didn't NOT think that. So when my OBGYN told me "no alcohol...try on days 10 and 12 of your cycle....and you'll be pregnant in 3 months" - I kinda sorta believed him.

Month after month went by. I SWORE I was pregnant a few times. I mean, I had sore bb's for 10 days one cycle - when the norm for me was always 4-5 days before AF showed up. I felt nauseous mid-cycle, I was extra fatigued, I pretty much experienced every pregnancy symptom I had read about at some point during our journey (except for gagging on toothpaste - I'm still waiting for that one).... but nothing.

Come January of 2007, we did the deed one time - day 10 of my cycle - and then I was off to Orlando, FL for a convention with my new company. I had set up an appointment with the RE for the end of January, so I figured we could focus on this baby stuff once I got back from my trip.

Well, long story short - AF never showed up that month - so by cycle day 30 - I tested and to my joy and shock - I had a Big Fat Positive!!! Talk about shaking with excitement!

Long story even shorter - fast forward 7 weeks - 4 days after my first prenatal visit where all "parts" checked out fine, I miscarried (March 4th, 2007).

So 15 months of trying ended in 7 weeks - just like that.

I had this naive outlook and hope that I would get pregnant again - and soon - by July at the latest! Well, 11 months later - to include 5 rounds of Clomid - 2 with IUIs - and 1 round of Follistim (also with IUI) - and still nothing.

So this month will officially be month 27 of trying (month 12 after the misery-carriage). And I'm just plain tired. When you want something so badly but you can't make it happen... as we all know....it's frustrating. But I will continue to try until Mother Nature tells me it ain't gonna happen.

Luckily, the spouse and I have both checked out just fine. We're in that vague category of "unexplained infertility". My spouse has enough swimmers to populate a small country - he's above average with his strong ones and their motility... for a 41 yr old, my ovarian reserves look really good.... so why this isn't happening yet... I haven't a clue (I s'pose if I did, I could write a book about it and make millions :-)

So that's where I'm coming from. We're trying 200 units of Follistim this cycle (up from the 150 last month) - and I hope to grow more follicles. Last month, there was 1 follicle - this month there are potentially 6 -and I think at this point, I need about 1 BILLION to get 1baby. There is no such thing as a "risk" of multiples for me. I would call that a blessing :-)

I'm not seeking words of encouragement, for "it'll happen if you just relax" pep talks, for magical signs that could signify pregnancy.... I've been there, done that many times.... all I want is a place to express how I feel...and hopefully share a success story in the near future.

So that's my story and I'm sticking to it! :-)

The spouse and I partaking in foreplay:

This looks like potential foreplay, too: