The second time around....

Along with thinking about my MIL's craziness, etc, I've also been thinking about what I'd like to do differently this time around.

When peanut was born, he was induced, we had told everyone the name, and minutes after he was handed to me I was surrounded by grandparents on both sides who wanted to hold him and then spent the next five months living with my husband in my parents home while we looked for a new place (he got a job offer near my parents that allowed me to be a SAHM).

To say it was overwhelming is an understatement, but on top of the normal "holy crap I have a kid" situation was the "I'm living with MY mom" issues. My mom is great, but she does tend to take over - and when you're a scared new mom you tend to let that happen (at least I did.)

When breastfeeding wasn't going well, my mom told me I was starving peanut (she bottle fed, btw) and suggested I go with the formula. I gave in. When he wouldn't settle, instead of trying everything I could, she was always there to take over and help rock him to sleep.

Don't get me wrong, it was extremely helpful - but it was also extremely harmful for my confidence as a new mother.

When my husband and I split a year after peanut was born my mom again got involved and tried to insist that I come home with peanut. When I told her no, that we were trying to work things out, etc etc, it started with my baby and his father moving in my MY parents temporarily, and ended with me losing primary custody. That's right ladies and gentlemen, you don't have to be a crack whore to lose your kids - just be on the losing side of a man with a lot of money, and parents who don't understand why you don't want to move back in with them - all in the name of you "not acting like yourself."

So here I sit, potentially pregnant or at least trying to become so in the near future, thinking about all of the things that I want to do differently, and being scared of all of the things I missed the first time around with my peanut. And now that my dad is gone and my mom depends on myself and my new husband so much, it becomes even harder.

Simple things like wanting some space and time after birth to bond become "you don't want me there?" issues. Breastfeeding is laced with surprised, "Oh, I didn't realize you were doing that"s and "Did you do that with peanut?" when she knows damn well I did.

How do I nicely say sorry, we aren't coming over to your house all of the time - I need some time to myself and with the little one? I think this will become a test of my ability to stand up for myself in some ways, but at the same time I never want my mother to feel that she isn't welcome and isn't cherished as the "mamaw" she is.

What is it with moms and daughters? Maybe I should be hoping for a boy....