Welllll.....

AF came a few days ago... I think the morning of the 24th. Though she didn't stay nearly as long as normal... I was done by Saturday!

My meltdown that I had Tuesday has finally calmed. I'm still unhappy about not having Lily Grace, but everything happens for a reason, and the reason she's no longer with me is so Travis and I can grow together and get our lives the way we want them before we begin trying again, though if I had it my way, I'd already be pg again...

But I'm in no position to be a mother. I don't mean I'd be a bad one, bc dammit, I'm gonna be an amazing mother and Travis will be an amazing father... no, what I mean is that I'm still in school, have no steady job, Travis has a job (but he can't rely on it), I'm still struggling with my own internal issues, I'm not in shape (I'd love to drop another 20 pounds... which would put my grand total at 50 pounds lost in just over a year!)... I want to quit smoking, and just make myself even better before I take that step again...

When it comes down to it, I just want to be pg... I want to experience it all the way, and not just to 5 or 7 weeks, but before I can care for a baby, I have to care for myself.

Alyssa Leigh or Kaleb Conrad will be here one day... and that will be enough to keep me going