Monday Dec 22nd, 2008

drained..... thats it, just drained. The girls had a visit with their mother... my sister on Friday and it was hard on all involved. She is my sister and at one time my best friend we have been to hell and back times a million together, through things that no one but each other can even begin to understand. I ache all over to see her hurt so much. I m not sure I have ever experienced such emotional pain in my life. Watching her have to hand her children back over and knowing she won't have Christmas with them, that she will be alone.... I can not even begin to imagine the pain she feels, but I can feel the pain I have for her and I hate this. To make matters worse for my emotional state my birth mother is dying and I am not sure how I am supposed to feel about that. I am so sad and angry and then I tell myself that its not like I ever see her or have anything to do with her so why the strong emotions? I am not sure, I don't need to give forgivness, that is not mine to give and I don't hold anything against her anymore I let all that go years ago. I want one truth from her that I know she will never give and I am not sure she can give so I am not even going to ask for it again. My heart is bound to her because she is my mother, no matter what mistakes she made nor the fact that she didn't want to be my mother... none of that matters anymore. I just don't want her to die, I don't know why I just don't. I am going to see her on Tuesday, just in case, but I am not sure what I am supposed to say, Please don't die I am not done with your crazy, if I have that to compare myself to, I don't seem so bad! LOL! Okay so thats not funny but......