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sunnymw · #1 (**permalink**) 05-10-2008, 09:22 PM

DH and I "fired" the midwife (for several reasons... none of them because of her...)
For reasons WHY: God Assisted Childbirth: 30 weeks, 5 days

And here's the email I sent her tonight... I've been trying to get up the you-know-whats for this for about, oh, five months... yes, it's informal... we've always been very informal.

I know this seems totally random, but Kris and I have been talking a lot lately
about what we really want and need for this birth, and what God has been telling
us to do.

I knew initially (as in, before I knew you existed) that I wanted an unassisted
(or "God-assisted") birth. Not because there were no midwives, or because of
financial reasons, just because that's what I felt led to do in my heart. At the
time, Kris wasn't comfortable with the idea, so he wanted an educated person
present but in the background (ie, a doula). I also wanted a support person like
a doula, but I knew I didn't want a midwife. Together we decided that I would
see you for prenatal care because, again, he wasn't yet comfortable with UC.

I hate to make it sound like it's anything you've done or said, because it's
NOT, but I still feel the same way... I've been trying to convince God that *my*
plans for the birth were okay, or better, but we all know how that goes. He
keeps telling me that it isn't right for us. I've absolutely loved seeing you,
being able to "preach to the choir", and expanding my knowledge on subjects I'm
extremely passionate about. I am SO grateful that you are here, and I would
never hesitate to recommend you to anyone and everyone I know who doesn't want
an assembly-line hospital birth... but a birth with any attendants just feels so
wrong in my heart and I haven't been able to shake that feeling for a long, long
time (I first felt it was "right" for us in August 2006, if that gives you any
idea).

I've really struggled with the decision of whether to stop seeing you for
prenatal care altogether, or whether to keep seeing you and just not call when
I'm in labor... the first option made me feel guilty for essentially taking away
a source of income, and the second made me feel worse for being dishonest. Of
course, with me, honesty and bluntness always win out, so here I am. In a
perfect world, I would love to have a doula at a hospital transfer, but I'm not
sure if that would be possible at this point (to just have you as a doula, I
mean). I wouldn't dream of asking you to be just a "UC back-up" because that
isn't fair to you or any other women due in July that may need your services.

I really hate to spring this on you now, so late in the game, but I really felt
like I wasn't being fair to you by "leading you on" (Gosh, I sound like I'm
breaking up with you...) and I really felt the need to be totally upfront about
what our intentions were. I hope you're not angry that I waited this late... I
have just been so conflicted on whether or not to tell you (and Kris has been,
until recently, conflicted on whether or not to UC at all) and I didn't want to
tell you and then have Kris change his mind...

Okay, I've racked my brain for a good ending to this email... I've never been
good at "conclusions"... so... thoughts? Opinions? Where do we go from here?

~Sunny

I have never felt so RELIEVED in all my life... (if you want to follow the story of this pregnancy thing... it's in the birth blog link in my siggy)