Hi Girls,

So I thought I would start a monday moan. You can all join in if you need to. I'm sorry to start the week off with a whine but I just have to get this off my chest.

I am just having a rough morning when it comes to emotions. I am not sleeping good and when I do I am just dreaming and dreaming about Baby Silas and the next referral.

The first night, the dreams were about the agency calling us to tell us the baby had died and we were going to have to pay all this money for the next referral and I was just freaking out on the director of the agency. I was just yelling at her and trying to hit her. So by the time I got up for the morning my day was just full of panic, worrying about if the next baby would be ugly. I know this thought is not even rational but I was so focused on getting a referral for an ugly baby and I don't want that.

The second dream was I went to this orphange to see Baby Silas spirit and I got to hold it, but it was so heavy i couldn't even stand while holding him. Then I was given his ashes. At the same time they introduced me to this little girl with pigtails and she was eatting and cute and about a year old and L and I decided on the spot to take her. I was hugging and crying with my director I was just so happy. But now I am awake and I just feel like I have to talk to the director today.

I swear I am all over the place from being scared out of mind of this next referral to feeling impatient to just move on. I just can't think of the future right now it scares me to death. We can't imagine anything else going wrong, but the reality is there is no rules that say the next thing has to go smoothly and perfect for us. Although in my head I totally think we deserve that.

I just need my hand held. YKWIM? L has been just great we trade days off, i get to panic one day and L holds me up and then the next day is L's and I hold her up. Oy Vey!! I just want to not be terrified anymore.

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