This has been a big struggle for me, especially during the last year or so. I just recently have decided that I feel a bit depressed about my situation. Not to the point where I think medication is a need, but I definitely feel sad and frustrated and generally down about it.
The thing is, I don't really feel like I have any friends. My ward has a fairly large amount of young couples with children, so you would think I would have at least some. Well, I did have a couple good friends, but they both moved. Everyone else I seem friendly with, I never *do* anything with. They're simply people who will talk to me when we're at an activity together. And I don't go to a lot of activities...I'm really not the type who wants to get out a lot. One or two social get-togethers a month is (usually) plenty for me.
I just feel like I can't connect with anyone in my area. Thoughts that run through my head are that I just don't fit in. And then I think, WAIT, how can I NOT fit in? We have the entire gospel in common! But whenever I get together with these ladies in a non-church/enrichment kind of setting, I just feel like such a, well, social outcast. I think it boils down to my general non-mainstream personality. The other ladies are generally wives of medical students (thank you, Johns Hopkins). I, on the other hand, very much lean towards a natural way of living. And I become even deeper into it the more time I spend as a mom...I'll be starting to cloth diaper this week, even! You would think the differences wouldn't matter much, but my different attitude seems to come shining through in just about every single conversation I have.
Some examples of how conversations tend to go:
Me: "He's almost 6 months old."
Them: "Oh, great, so he's on solids then!"
Me: "Well, uh...no. Actually, I don't start solids until at least 6 months with my kids, and Jacob just generally hates anything in his mouth but his mommy, so he won't even take a bottle."
Them: "Oh my goodness, I would hate to be constantly attached to my kids that way. I can't believe you've never left him with a babysitter!"
Me: "Well, it really doesn't bother me...." (and in fact, the thought of leaving my baby with someone else tends to make me extremely nervous...I think I have some control issues, LOL)
During testimony time in RS:
Her: "I may not have gotten the christmas tree up this week, but
at least my girls got their flu shots on time!"
Me, to myself: ....I avoid flu shots like the plague. Why do people have to talk about it like it's SUCH a priority and nobody should be without it?
At a book club activity:
Them: "Having a baby at home is SO irresponsible, and should be outlawed."
Me: Thinking of a homebirth for next time. My mom had her last 2 at home. My sister had her last 2 at home. I think it would be wonderful. "You know, I was at my brother's homebirth and I cut his cord. It was really can be a wonderful experience, as long as you are not going to be in a high risk group."
Them: Tries to smooth things over so as not to hurt my feelings, but does not back down on expressing the feeling that it's completely irresponsible.
At a food/recipe sharing activity this week, where at least half the women were pregnant:
Them: "You had a midwife?"
Me: "Yes, it was great!"
Them: "So you didn't get an epidural?"
Me: "Nope. Of course, there wouldn't have been time even if I had wanted it."
Them (woman who had a 3 hour labor for her first child): "When I go to have this baby, I'm asking for an epidural as soon as I get in the door." (I hear this almost every time birth comes into a conversation. "Hook me up!" followed by a lot of laughter.)
Ok, so that's just a few examples. Now, I'm going to go ahead and say that I don't think any family or mother should not be able to make those sorts of choices for their family or themselves, or that they're necessarily the wrong choices for their own families/selves. It's just extremely frustrating for me, because conversations invariably end up being centered around family life, and then I either find myself sitting there silently listening to what's being said around me, feeling like I have NOTHING in common with everyone else in the room, or if I do say something, nobody has anything to relate to me with, and the conversation just kind of trails off into oblivion. I mean, heck, even my biggest hobby, computer and console gaming (usually with DH) isn't shared by anyone in the ward. They tend to talk about home decorating, or scrapbooking, or their jobs. And I have nothing to contribute in those areas.
So it boils down to that I just feel lonely and like I don't fit in. I am very happy with the choices I have made for myself, but it sure would be awfully great to have someone in real life I can talk to. Of all the women here I know, none have ever gone out of their way (except, of course, the two friends I had that unfortunately moved) to really involve me in anything. Admittedly, I don't do that either, so a huge part of my problem is my own fault. I think I just kind of got lost in the shuffle when I moved into this ward. I moved in at the same time as a large population of them did (them for medical school, me for DH's job), and I was 6 weeks away from my due date. So between moving in and getting settled, and then having my baby and being home-bound for a few weeks, I just kind of got...lost. And never recovered. I just really *need* a friend.
My poor visiting teacher. She said she left a message on my phone that she was coming to visit last week, but I never got a message from her. I was on one of my worse days when she arrived at my door. I hadn't showered in 2.5 days (yuck, I hate to admit it), the house was a WRECK, and when she sat down she asked if I had anything I wanted to talk about before she got started. If she hadn't arrived then, when I wasn't expecting it, I probably would have gone ahead acting like everything was fine. But I just started bawling and telling her how lonely I felt. She was so good to me - just let me cry on her shoulder for a few minutes, and asking me questions and helping me through the conversation. Honestly, I felt so good after talking to her, I've had several days where I feel perfectly fine again.
But when I went to a social get-together this week, I just ended up feeling lonely again. Conversation turned to the stuff I gave examples of earlier, and I just had nothing to say. Things that everyone laughed at, I forced a smile for. That just makes me feel so fake, pretending like I find something funny, or acting like yeah! I've had the same experience! - but I haven'. tAnd when I went to bed that night, my brain just wouldn't shut off, and I was up till 3am just thinking constantly about my whole situation.
I SHOULD be able to fit in. These are great women, and even if we don't do things the same way, I should at least feel like I have something to offer. I just don't feel like I do. My visiting teacher was so wonderful to point out to me that Heavenly Father loves me just the way I am. And I know that. And I also know that Christ knows in a very personal way exactly how I feel, and that HE can relate to me. But it also seems like I'm being bombarded with messages of friendship lately...in sacrament talks, in quotes...women are meant to be social and have friends. And I don't feel a desire for *constant* socializing (I really do like being a homebody a lot of the time), but I DO feel the NEED for a friend at this point in my life. I just have no idea how to really connect with someone if I'm so different. Friends talk about common interests. Why is it that I can't find anyone with common interests in such a large bunch of women?
I'm extremely grateful for DH - he's a wonderful husband AND a wonderful friend, and no matter how much I've kind of "evolved" over the last few years, he's always in lockstep with me, and extremely supportive. I could not have picked a more wonderful companion for myself (except for maybe the snoring...I could do without that!
) ....Heavenly Father definitely led me to DH.
I try so hard to be open and friendly, but all my interactions are basically limited to the enrichment type activities, where I end up with nothing to contribute to conversations. Nobody really talks to me just to talk to me, and they certainly don't "get" me. And I'm so far away from my family, and have been for 2.5 years now, and I guess I'm just to the point where I really really miss that interaction. I just don't know what to do about it. I'm naturally pretty quiet and shy, and this extra difference in personality doesn't help at all.
Okay, there's my long book of a post. I know I can't be the only one who's ever felt like they don't fit in, even in the one social circle where you would think everyone could fit in. I guess I'm hoping for some words of understanding, advice, or whatever, really.
